Death to Microsoft!

I don't like ... no, wait a sec.


I hate ...


Oh the hell with it. 


I DESPISE Microsoft.

I wish the whole goddam company would disappear. Poof! The world would be a better place for it.

Of all the companies that waste their customers' time  -- Comcast, Delta and Sprint come to mind --Microsoft wins hands down. Think about it.

How many dozens of hours have you spent trying to retrieve Word or Excel files that vanished into thin air? How many "error" messages have stopped you in your tracks, diverting your attention from the task at hand for hours as you try to figure out what the error might be? How many times have you waited on hold to speak to Microsoft customer service reps? How much have you had to shell out over the years to buy and renew anti-virus software because Microsoft Internet Explorer attracts viruses like a Fairbanks kindergarten class in the middle of winter?

I am a Mac guy. Apple gets it. Their products are intuitively simple. The company treats its customers like royalty. That's why Apple's stock has gone to the moon. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people use programs found only in Microsoft Office -- Word, Excel and/or PowerPoint. To communicate with those people, I have to use them, too. And for years, I did.

Until one day last year when Microsoft Word refused to allow me to save an important document. When I typed in the name I wanted to give it --it was something simple like "Presentation" -- the following message appeared:
This is not a valid file name. Try one or more of the following: 
   -Check the path to make sure it was typed correctly
   -Select a file from the list of files and folders

I can spell. I can type. That wasn't the problem, although I had no idea what "path" referred to. And I didn't understand the second message. Sure, I had other Word files but how could I save my document in one of those?

After spending two hours trying to figure out what to do, I cloned what I had typed, pasted it into my gmail account and emailed it to myself. I hadn't been able to save it in Word, but at least I was able to save it somewhere. I then did what any irrational person would do: I "uninstalled" Microsoft Office. And I've happily been using Google Documents ever since. It's a better program. It's simpler. It's free. What's not to like?

But ... for the last month or so I've been working on a lengthy, involved document I've created and saved, in pieces, on Google Docs, which stores it in something called "The Cloud." For some inexplicable reason, I decided today that, if the Cloud were to be vaporized, I'd be pissed, not to mention hysterical. So I went to Staples and purchased, for $124.99, a new copy of Microsoft Office For Mac 2011, which I spent a half hour installing.

I spent the next hour cutting and pasting my various files from Google Doc onto a new, master Microsoft Word document. And when I went to save it?  I got the "This is not a valid file name" message.

The next hour was spent searching the web, trying to determine if anyone else has ever experienced the same problem. Turns out, lots of people have. There is, I learned, a solution for the problem. If I had a Ph.D. in computer science from MIT, I might have understood it.

The box the product came in says I'm entitled to 90 days of free support. But it doesn't tell me how to get that support. Clearly, I can't comprehend the online gobbledegook, So I spent 10 more minutes looking for a phone number. Finally found it. The line is only open during business hours on weekdays. This is Saturday.

I've pissed away my entire evening and have nothing to show for it. Not surprising whenever a Microsoft product is involved.

So die, Microsoft, die. And may Bill Gates and every one of you nerdy bastards rot in hell.

Good evening, and you can be sure that, first thing Monday morning, I'll be on the line.

Wear your asbestos suits.