A "live" chat with the cable guy

Note: This is my fourth consecutive post about TV -- strange for a guy who has always claimed he prefers a good book over watching the telly. All I can say is hey, it's summer. There's no need to improve oneself. Which, of course, is why you are reading tomdryden.com instead of War & Peace.

My wife and I are binge-watching Downton Abbey on Netflix. We want to be ready for season four which is set to premiere next year on PBS. Netflix, unfortunately, only offers episodes from the series' first season. 

No problem. We have Comcast cable's "On Demand" which enables us to watch past episodes of certain shows. So I picked up my Comcast-supplied remote and went to the On-Demand screen of my TV to find out if we have the ability to watch the other two seasons of Downton on cable.

The Up, Down, Left and Right directional keys on the remote -- the ones that enable users to move the cursor on the TV screen to make programming choices -- weren't working. I checked the batteries. They were fine; every other function of the remote was working as it should. I assumed the problem was temporary and would magically resolve itself as Comcast equipment issues often do.

But the next day, the keys still didn't work. Not wanting to call Comcast, an ordeal that requires a lengthy wait to speak to a human during which you are bombarded with recorded messages telling you how much Comcast values your business, I logged onto comcast.com to try and find instructions for "unsticking" the remote keys. But I couldn't find anything addressing my specific problem. That's when I saw the "Chat with a Comcast representative" button which, after filling in my name and account information, I hit. 

Below is a transcript of my exchanges with the Comcast representative who identified himself as Ryan. I cut-and-pasted it at the end of our "chat" which took the better part of an hour thanks to gaps of two, sometimes three, minutes between responses on his part. 

Market research shows that 97 percent of you would rather read this transcript than War & Peace, which is approximately the same length. 

Enjoy.

• Ryan > Hello Tom, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Ryan. Please give me one moment to review your information.
• Tom > My issue is that my remote works fine with one exception: When I go to the On Demand menu page, it freezes -- can't move the arrows up, down or sideways.
• Ryan > Thank you for taking the time to chat with us today.
• Ryan > Tom, it is definitely not good to know that your remote is not working when you go to On Demand menu page. I can’t imagine myself having those equipment issues especially because cable TV is part of my daily routine.
• Ryan > You have reached the support for cable TV service. Rest assured I will do everything within my means to address your concern today.
• Ryan > Tom, can I ask you a few questions to assist you better. Would that be fine?
• Tom > Yes.
• Ryan > Thank you.
• Tom > You can cut the politeness and just tell me what to do. I know you're a computer anyway.
• Ryan > Is this problem also occurring on another box?
• Tom > I don't have On Demand on my other TVs.
• Ryan > I am not a computer, Tom. I am a real person.
• Ryan > Tom, would you be able to tell me when this started happening?
• Tom > Last night. Turned on the TV just now and the same thing is happening.
• Ryan > I see.
• Ryan > Thank you for providing the account holder's name, phone number and service address on the chat initiation form.
• Ryan > There are some steps we will take together to resolve your concern.
• Ryan > Are you currently at home with access to your TV and equipment?
• Tom > Of course I am. Why would I write you if I weren't?
• Ryan > I have to ask because some customers chat with us when they are at work or outside their homes.
• Ryan > Alright. Let us troubleshoot the box.
• Tom > OK.
• Ryan > Tom, please reset the cable box exactly as outlined below:
• Ryan > 1) Turn off your TV and cable box.
• Ryan > 2) Unplug the power cord to the cable box for a minute, then plug it back in and wait for it to boot up.
• Ryan > 3) If your cable box has a clock, please wait until it displays the current time on its front panel then turn the power back on. If it does not have a clock, turn the power back on after a minute.
• Ryan > I would like to set proper expectation that your On Demand and guide data may take up to 45 minutes to reload.
• Tom > OK, shall I do that now?
• Ryan > Yes, Tom.
• Ryan > Take your time.
• Tom > I have done it.
• Tom > Since this may take 45 minutes, what are the odds this will work?
• Tom > OK, I will turn it back on.
• Ryan > Yes, turn it back on and try accessing On Demand.
• Tom > OK, hold on.
• Ryan > Sure. I'll be here.
• Tom > The cable box won't come on at all. And yes, I have double-checked the connection. It's plugged in. When I first plugged the cord in, all the lights lit up but now ... nothing.
• Ryan > Is there a power button on the front display of your cable box? If so, can you please manually turn it on?
• Tom > OK, the green "power" light just came on.
• Ryan > Thanks for the update.
• Tom > The TV says "no signal."
• Tom > The green power light on the cable box is flashing.
• Tom > At least the TV and cable were working when we started this chat.
• Ryan > Tom, are you using coaxial connection? If so, please make sure that the TV is set to either channel 3 or 4.
• Tom > It has always been set to one of those channels.
• Ryan > Is your TV still showing "no signal"?
• Tom > Yes.
• Ryan > Please do make sure that it is turned on.
• Tom > Yes.
• Tom > Yes.
• Tom > Yes.
• Tom > You must think I'm an idiot. Of course it's turned on.
• Ryan > Tom, can you please double check the cables and power connections to your cable box, your television, and any other equipment connected to your entertainment setup to make certain they are correct and securely connected? Please ensure that your Audio/Video connections are configured properly -- specifically the "video out" port on the cable box.
• Tom > Now there is NO MENU on the On Demand page. Just a tiny screen featuring a woman hyping movies.
• Tom > OK, the TV and Comcast is finally working.
• Tom > But there is no menu on the On Demand page.
• Ryan > Let us give it a few more minutes.
• Tom > OK, now the menu is back on the page. But I still can't move the arrows!
• Tom > Back where we started.
• Ryan > Alright. Let us try to remap the keys.
• Tom > What does that mean?
• Ryan > What is the color of the OK/Select button on your Comcast remote?
• Tom > Red.
• Ryan > The buttons on the Comcast Custom 3-Device universal remote control can be reprogrammed (remapped) to control various functions.
• Ryan > To remap (reprogram) a remote key:
• Tom > This is taking a long time. Can't I just take the stupid remote to my Comcast office and get a new one?
• Ryan > Yes, you can do that Tom. However, let me provide the steps to remap the keys in case you still want to try this fix.
• Ryan > 1) Press the CABLE button.
• Tom > OK, let's go.
• Tom > Done.
• Ryan > 2) Press and hold the Setup button until the Cable light blinks twice; then, release Setup.
• Tom > Where is the Cable light so I will know where to look?
• Tom > Is it on the button itself?
• Ryan > Yes, it is the cable button itself.
• Tom > OK, it blinked twice.
• Ryan > 3) Enter 994. The Cable light will blink twice.
• Tom > I did that. The TV is now on the Comcast Employee News Channel.
• Tom > Shall I do it again? The light did flash but now I'm on the employee news channel.
• Ryan > Yes, please do it again.
• Tom > It says I am not authorized to visit.
• Tom > Every time I pressed one of the digits the cable light lit up.
• Tom > So it lit up three times. And I'm still on the employee channel.
• Ryan > Tom, are you on channel 994?
• Tom > No, I'm on 998, the employee channel, which is what I get when I press 9-9-4.
• Ryan > Can you please do it again from step 1?
• Tom > OK. Hold on.
• Tom > When I pressed 994, it took me to channel 998 again.
• Ryan > Let us proceed to step 4.
• Ryan > 4) Press Setup once. The Cable light will blink twice.
• Tom > Done.
• Ryan > 5) Enter the following codes for the function you want to program.
• Ryan > 00051 - UP
• Ryan > 00047 - DOWN
• Ryan > 00049 - LEFT
• Ryan > 00045 - RIGHT
• Tom > Do I enter them all?
• Ryan > Yes, Tom.
• Ryan > 6) Press the button on the remote for which you want to control the function. The Cable light will blink twice.
• Tom > OK, did it.
• Tom > But the cable light didn't blink twice any time
• Tom > Shall I go get a new remote? It's 2 miles away.
• Tom > This is ridiculous.
• Tom > I could have crawled there by now.
• Ryan > Tom, I really appreciate your cooperation. Can you please go to the On Demand menu page and see if there is any improvement?
• Tom > YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Tom > It works! That was easy. :)
• Ryan > Thank you, Tom.
• Ryan > Is there anything else that I may be able to help you with today? I would be glad to help you further.
• Tom > God no!
• Ryan > Comcast appreciates your business and values you as a CusTomer! We constantly strive to meet and exceed your expectations. We hope that you will take a moment to complete the survey that will follow after our interaction. Your feedback will help us to continue improve how we serve you.
• Ryan > Tom, thank you for choosing Comcast as the provider of your services. It has been a pleasure having you as a part of Comcast family.
• Ryan > If you need assistance in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us through Live Chat or E-Mail (available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week). Comcast also offers great FAQ and Help forums located at http://www.Comcast.net to help you solve many issues on your own. You can also reach us through our Hotline 1-800-COMCAST (1-800-266-2278). Our goal is to provide you with a consistently superior CusTomer experience - that's our guarantee. Learn more about the Comcast CusTomer Guarantee at http://www.comcast.com/corporate/CusTomers/CusTomerGuarantee.html?fss=cusTomer
• Ryan > Enjoy the rest of your day!
• Ryan > Goodbye for now!
• Ryan > Analyst has closed chat and left the room.

For the record, once I was able to navigate the On Demand menu, I learned that Comcast has season two of Downton for which it charges $1.99 per episode. But it doesn't have season three.

So, I joined Amazon Prime for $79 a year where I can have both seasons streamed directly to my TV, not to mention lots of other programming for which Comcast imposes upcharges on top of my monthly subscription.

If you don't hear from me for a while, there's a good reason: I'm busy watching TV.