Ask Ronald: Lifestyle advice for McDonald's employees

McDonald’s came under fire recently for an employee website that advised workers the proper amount to tip pool cleaners and housekeepers and to “choose fruits and vegetables” over fast foods, which it deemed unhealthy. Critics say the web site was “tone-deaf” and written by someone who has no idea how McDonald’s workers actually live. Management says the site, which was created and maintained by an outside vendor, was taken out of context but it has been shut down nevertheless.

McDonald’s, clearly, needs a new writer for its employee web site. I, clearly, need something productive and profitable to write instead of this blog. So here’s a sample post I am planning to submit to McDonald’s for consideration. I propose renaming the site “Ask Ronald” and using a Q and A format to keep it simple. One important difference between me and the previous writer: I know how to toe the corporate line.

Whattya think?

Q: A co-worker graciously offered to trade shifts when I was experiencing a family crisis. Any suggestions for what I should do to repay his kindness?

A:  Why not offer to take his place next time he is pulled out of the kitchen and assigned to toilet duty? (Be sure to wash your hands before returning to your work station.) Alternatively, if your schedules permit, you could invite him to lunch at the Harvard Club. 

Q: I was planning to serve Big Macs and fries at my annual New Year’s brunch until I read on the previous employee web site that fast food is unhealthy. Should I rethink my menu?

A: Absolutely not. Consuming fatty foods provides additional insulation against the cold winter weather that, in turn, requires you to spend less on luxury goods like coats, sweaters, boots, fuel oil, etc. Here’s wishing you and your guests a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

Q: It is acceptable to wear pearls when working the fry station?

A: Only if you are a female. If you are concerned that grease might splatter on them, you might want to consider having faux pearls tattooed around your neck. We are always happy to recommend tattoo artists who offer discounts to our valued associates.

Q: When assigned to the drive-thru window, I am often assaulted by a barrage of foul language from customers claiming they can’t understand me when I repeat back their orders. As one who is descended from settlers who arrived on the Mayflower, I assure you I speak impeccable, clear English. Any voice distortion is due to a faulty speaker system. How should I respond to these rude customers?

A: Though it would be human nature to respond, “You are a supersize asshole,” try not to descend to their level. You can say, “If you are going to speak to me in that manner, I suggest you might feel more comfortable going down the street to Burger King.”  

Q: My sister's fiance, the father of several of my nieces and nephews, has a position similar to the one I hold at McDonald's, but at Wendy's. He and the children are staying in our guest house for several months while my sister is away. It makes me uncomfortable when he asks questions about the ingredients we use to make our Big Mac "special sauce." I have, at times, actually entertained the thought that he may be a corporate spy. How can I discourage him from trying to get me to reveal proprietary information?

A: Lay out the ground rules. Explain to him that work is not to be discussed and that, as one who hopes to climb the corporate ladder and someday become a shift supervisor, you will not under any circumstances consider revealing the secrets of our corporate success, including the recipe for our secret sauce.

Q: It bothers me when people who are clearly impoverished – for instance, women carrying last year’s Kate Spade handbag or men with no teeth or shoes  -- order a $3.79 QP Cheese they obviously can’t afford when, for $1.29, they can get a double cheeseburger from the dollar menu that contains almost as much meat. Should I point this out to them?

A: Not if you want to keep your job.  

Q: In the Employee Benefits section of mcdonalds.com, what do the asterisks stand for next to the terms medical insurance* prescription drug coverage,* vision discount,* available dental,* short-term disability,* term life insurance,* 401(k),* paid holidays,* vacation* and educational assistance*?

A: We are out of room for this week’s edition of “Ask Ronald.” Please visit our employee web site again and often.