Diary of a Mad House Dachshund

By Bonnie Dryden

7:15 a.m. Alarm goes off. Another sunny day in Florida.

7:16 a.m.  Ixnay that. When dad opens the door, it’s raining. He nudges me outside with his foot. I shuffle out, pretend to squat, then run back inside. “Good girl,” he says.

7:24 a.m. Breakfast – two tablespoons of boiled chicken, one tablespoon of Cesar Canine Cuisine Sunrise Smoked Bacon & Egg in Meaty Juices, side order of kibble.

7:28 a.m. I go to the sliding glass door and start barking, pretending to see something in the back yard. Idiot brother Billy Ray, who is picking at his breakfast, runs to the door barking hysterically. While he is barking at nothing, I double back to the kitchen and, as I have done every morning for 11 years, eat all the food in his bowl. 

8:16 a.m.  Peeing on the Aubusson carpet under the dining room table, I see through the window that the sun has come out.

8:18 a.m.  Outside again to do #2.

8:19 a.m. Serial killers trying to pass themselves off as garbage collectors appear at end of driveway. I chase them away, saving my family from certain death.

9:34 a.m.  Fall asleep atop corner cushion of family room sectional sofa.

10:14 a.m. Men appear on golf course behind house carrying clubs. It is obvious they intend to beat my family to death. I growl, snarl and throw myself against the door like Cujo. Terrified, they drive off in search of victims not protected by a guard dog.

10:22 a.m. Curl up with Billy on lanai under ceiling fan. 

11:11 a.m. Billy corners a lizard and eats it.  

12:32 p.m. Man with hedge clippers appears in neighbor’s back yard, planning to use them to carve up my family. I start barking. Twenty minutes later he flees.

12:55 p.m. Ride with dad to store to pick up Tylenol. He says he has a headache.

1:18 p.m. Returning from store, I pee in front yard.

1:20 p.m. Afternoon treat – Cesar Canine Cuisine Softies Filet Mignon bite.

1:45: Terrorist disguised as postal worker attempts to push envelope containing deadly poison through slot in front door. I lunge at her hand. I hear her swearing she’s going to file a complaint. With whom? The FBI? They’d give me a medal!

2:07 p.m. Exhausted from fending off killers – mom and dad should think about moving us to a safer neighborhood – I fall asleep on sofa.

3:53 p.m. Awoken by the sound of Billy vomiting lizard carcass. I eat it.

4:35 p.m. Neighbor comes over for cocktails on the lanai and brings his spoiled pug. I ignore the bitch as she and Billy run around and around the pool until they collapse.

5:15 p.m. Dinner – half can of Cesar Canine Cuisine Rosemary Chicken with Spring Vegetables in Meaty Juices and kibble chaser.

5:25 p.m. Go outside and do #1 and #2.

5:34 p.m. Fall asleep on sofa.

7:00 p.m. Supervise mom and dad as they eat dinner. Billy and I have a pact. I supervise dinner on all days that end with “y” and promise I’ll share any food that falls on the floor. He truly is a moron.

7:30-8:00 p.m. Watch Jeopardy. It has been dumbed down in recent years. Ever notice how each answer now contains two, sometimes three, clues? “Known as the father of our country, America’s first president is buried at Mt. Vernon.” A poodle could answer that one.

10:10 p.m. Go outside. Pee. 

10:15-11:23 p.m. Rest head on dad's chest as we read in bed. We are on a Theodore Dreiser kick, halfway through his most obscure novel, The Genius. Neither as riveting as An American Tragedy nor as tightly written as Sister Carrie but it's in the public domain so it cost dad nothing to download. He's so cheap.

11:24 p.m. Regurgitate lizard remains on dad's chest. He jumps out of bed, runs into bathroom and turns on shower.

11:41 p.m. Lights out.


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