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| This souvenir polyp photo was a lovely parting gift |
10:45 a.m.
TD to hospital front desk receptionist: I have an appointment for a colonoscopy. The doctor said I should be here an hour early. Where do I go?
Receptionist: Can you tell me your name?
TD: Of course I can.
Receptionist: Well, what is it?
TD: Thomas Dryden
Receptionist: Middle initial?
TD: J.
Receptionist: Date of birth?
TD: November 17, 1951.
Receptionist: Take the elevator to the third floor and turn left. The GI lab is the second door on the right.
TD: Thank you.
10:48 a.m.
TD to GI lab receptionist: My name is Tom Dryden. I have an appointment for a colonoscopy.
Lab receptionist: Your full name?
TD: Thomas J. Dryden
Lab receptionist: Your date of birth?
TD: November 17, 1951.
Lab receptionist: OK, somebody will be with you in a minute.
11 a.m.
Admitting Clerk: Thomas?
TD: Right here!
Admitting Clerk: Come with me. Have a seat.
TD: Okay.
Admitting Clerk: What is your full name?
TD: You already called me. You know it.
Admitting Clerk: I have to ask. It’s the law.
TD: Thomas J. Dryden.
Admitting Clerk: What’s your date of birth?
TD: November 17, 1951.
Admitting Clerk: Do you know why you’re here?
TD: Of course. Do you think I’m here for the sport of it?
Admitting Clerk: Okay then, why?
TD: I’m having a colonoscopy.
Admitting Clerk: I see we have your insurance information. Go back to the lobby and a nurse will be calling you shortly.
11:16 a.m.
Nurse: Thomas?
TD: Right here.
Nurse: Follow me please. Here’s the room where you’ll be changing into a gown and waiting to go into the examination room. Can you tell me your name?
TD: Why do you people keep asking me this? It’s not instilling much confidence you know what you’re doing.
Nurse: It’s a requirement.
TD: Thomas J. Dryden
Nurse: Now, give me your birthdate.
TD: November 17, 1951.
Nurse: And what procedure are you having done today?
TD: A lobotomy.
Nurse: That’s not what it says here.
TD: Colonoscopy.
Nurse: Here’s a gown and a plastic bag. Please put the gown on, leave it loosely tied in back, and place any valuables — your wallet, Kindle, glasses, cell phone, etc — in the bag.
TD: All right.
11:30 a.m.
Anesthesiologist: Hello, I’m Dr. Payne. (Note to readers: I am not making this up. That was his name.) I’ll be administering your anesthesia today. Can you tell me your name?
TD: On one condition.
Anesthesiologist: What’s that?
TD: That you won’t ask my date of birth.
Anesthesiologist: I have to.
TD: OK, Thomas J. Dryden, November 17, 1951. Please knock me out now so I won’t have to answer that again.
Anesthesiologist: I can’t until we’re in the procedure room. An aide will be coming to wheel you in there in a few minutes.
11:42 a. m.
Aide: Hi, I’m Michael. I’ll be taking you into the procedure room. Are you ready?
TD: Ted Bundy. January 24, 1989.
Aide: I beg your pardon? What did you say?
TD: Never mind.
11:44 a.m.
Gastroenterologist: Hi Tom, how are you today? Are you ready to get this over with?
TD: I didn’t think there could be anything worse than drinking two jugs of that God-awful laxative stuff and spending the night on the toilet, but I was wrong. Did you know that …
Gastroenterologist: Can you tell me your full name and date of birth?
TD: I had an appointment with you three days ago! Don’t you remember?
Gastroenterologist: It’s policy.
TD: My God, please, please put me out now. I can’t do this any more.
Gastroenterologist: Do what?
TD: Tell you my name and date of birth one more time.
Gastroenterologist: I have to ask.
TD: Thomas Joseph Dryden, that’s D-R-Y-D-E-N. November 17, 1951. That’s N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R.
Gastroenterologist: Can you tell me why you’re here?
TD: I’m having a C-section — twins, but it might be triplets, I think I felt an extra heartbeat today.
Gastroenterologist: There’s no reason to yell.
TD: I’m sorry, but this is fucking insane.
Gastroenterologist: Well, I’d like to remind you I’m holding a five-foot hose I’m about to shove up your ass. I can either be gentle or, if you won’t cooperate, I might not be.
TD: Because I’m having a colonoscopy. I’m sick and tired of having to answer the same questions over and over and over. Look at what the blood pressure monitor says. I’m about to … aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh (anesthesia kicks in)
12:15 p.m
Nurse: Hi, Mr. Dryden. It’s over, you’re in the recovery room. The doctor will be here to go over the results in a few minutes.
TD: Ugg … ga … ga…
Nurse: Can you tell me your name?
