Saturday, December 11, 2021

Holiday songs rewritten for today

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Have yourself a merry Festive Season,

Let your heart be light.

From now on

Our troubles will be out of sight 

because CNN, the New York Times, WaPo, MSNBC and the rest of the MSM refuse to report anything negative about this inept administration.

The first Noel

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel,

Born is the king of racist, genocidal Israel.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

In the meadow we can build a snowman,

And pretend that he’s that Fauci clown. 

He’ll ask, “Are you vaxxed?”

And we’ll say "Sure Thing!

We got our jabs at CVS downtown.”

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Grandma got run over by a registered sex offender 

who had just gotten out of jail on a thousand-dollar bond for trying to 

kill his girlfriend 

and now she’s dead.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

A pair of hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots

Is the wish of Janice and Jen.

Barbies that talk and will go for a walk

Is the hope of Barney and Ben.

And mom and dad can hardly wait

For school to start again

But it looks like there’s a new variant

So they’ll probably resume remote learning.

The Christmas song

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,

Jack Frost nipping at your bits.

Yuletide carols being sung by the fire,

And folks dressed up like Inuits.

I saw three ships

I saw three ships come sailing in

On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day,

I saw three ships come sailing in

On Christmas Day in the morning.

And what was in those ships all three,

On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day?

I have no clue, there weren’t enough union dockworkers to unload them or truckers to drive their contents to their final destination because they can’t afford the gas now that Sleepy Joe killed the pipeline and we’re once again dependent on OPEC.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, 

Santa came to say,

Rudolph with your nose so bright,

Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

But Rudolph said no because Santa wouldn’t provide him with a helmet or allow him to work from home. 

You’d  better watch out (for Alexa)

She hears you when you’re sleeping

She knows when you go poo.

She knows if you’ve been bad or good

Tracking everything you do 

which is why you’re being bombarded with ads for Sleep Number beds and $10,000 Toto toilets. 

Happy Festive Season, everyone (unless, of course, you don't celebrate in which case I hope you'll take no offense).