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| Rupert (left) and Russell demonstrate social distancing |
I’ve read dozens of interviews with experts about the global pandemic and its effects on humans but have yet to see an interview with any of the millions of dogs who are also having to make adjustments to their routines. So this morning, I sat down for a chat with Rupert, our dachshund, and Russell, our Jack Russell terrier, to find out how they are coping during these troubling times, and to see if they have any advice for their fellow canines.
TD: How are you two staying fit?
Rupert: We’re being taken for walks —lots and lots of walks. I have lost four pounds and Russell has lost three since the quarantine began.
Russell: We only weighed 10 pounds each when all this started so if this quarantine goes on much longer we could be in trouble.
TD: What do you think of the stimulus package that was signed Friday?
Russell: We sent a message to Nancy Pelosi asking her to include $25 billion to make sure every American dog receives a lifetime supply of Cesar’s Softies Filet Mignon Treats. She wrote that into the bill but the stupid Republicans insisted that provision be removed so we can’t say we support it.
Rupert: Frankly, we are pissed. Most American humans are getting checks but not one dog and that’s not right. Just consider the billions that are spent to keep us healthy and cute — veterinarians, groomers, heartworm preventative, flea and tick control products, dog food, obedience schools, Ellen Degeneres ED Halloween outfits from Petsmart, etc. Congress clearly has no regard for us.
Russell: Don’t blame Congress, blame Trump. Not only is he a racist, sexist, homophobic, narcissistic, lying xenophobe, he’s a cynophobe.
TD: What’s a cynophobe?
Russell: You have nothing else to do, look it up.
TD: Anything else you are doing to pass the time?
Rupert: Yesterday we cornered and disemboweled a baby lizard on our lanai. When mom found out, she started screaming and made dad squash it with a hammer to, as she said, “put it out of his misery” which I found disappointing because we were enjoying watching it squirm.
TD: What are your humans doing?
Russell: They talk about many things they want to do — clean out closets, read books, throw out all that crap in the garage, wash windows, teach us to fetch, yadda yadda. But they don’t do it. They just sit on their butts and watch endless episodes of 90-Day Fiance on TLC. It's a reality show about trashy Americans who meet foreigners on the Internet and decide they are their soulmates, bring them to the United States, then have 90 days to get married.
Rupert: It’s mindless and makes us embarrassed to be Americans. When this is all said and done, the CEO of TLC should be sentenced to life with Darcy, the crazy woman from Connecticut who fell for Jesse, the control freak from Holland, or with Paul, the convicted Kentucky arsonist who can only talk to his Brazilian girlfriend, Karine, using the translation app on his cell phone.
Russell: An update for you bro, Paul and Karine got married in last night’s episode.
Rupert: Oh, I missed that, must have fallen asleep.
TD: Are you practicing social distancing?
Rupert: Absolutely. I have always enjoyed sniffing the butts of other dogs I encounter on my daily walks but now I’m hesitant to do that. I read that a dog in Hong Kong was diagnosed with the virus, along with a cat from Illinois. So Russell and I sniff each other’s.
TD: What is your advice for humans?
Russell: There are hundreds of thousands of loving dogs in shelters who need homes and would like nothing more than to keep you company, not only during this pandemic but for years to come. I was one of them just four months ago. Now’s a great time to go out and adopt one. We won’t argue with you, won’t judge you, will be loyal until our last breath, and all we really want is to be by your side. Plus, we are better adjusted and have more sense than the people on 90-Day Fiance.
TD: Thank you boys. Wanna take a walk?
Rupert: God no!
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