The editorial board of tomdryden.com convenes to endorse a candidate

With Election Day almost upon us, the Washington Post, LA Times and USA Today, which have traditionally endorsed presidential candidates, have announced management has chosen to endorse neither Harris nor Trump.

Sensing an opportunity to provide a service to readers who may be still be undecided, I convened a meeting of the tomdryden.com editorial board -- Rupert J. Dryden, our long-haired dachshund; Russell J. Dryden, our Jack Russell terrier; and myself, Thomas J. Dryden, America’s Only Objective Journalist ®. Here’s a transcript of that meeting.

Thomas J: Thank you for taking the time from your busy schedules to meet today. 

Russell J: Let’s get this over with fast. I’m missing The View. Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar are my idols.

Rupert J: And I’m missing the Glenn Beck Show. I tune in every day. He’s right about everything.

Thomas J: Unlike you boys, who sniff a dozen shrubs trying to decide which one to hike your legs on, I’m not going to beat around the bush. The most important presidential election in modern history is underway. We, as a board, need to agree whether we should endorse Harris or Trump. Russell, what are you thinking?

Russell J: Harris. No question about it.

Thomas J: Why?

Russell J: Because endorsing her will elevate tomdryden.com into the big leagues of American media, right up there with The New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS and NBC, making it appear we have insight into things the human garbage who are voting for Trump aren't smart enough to know about. Not to mention we might get an invitation to appear on Rachel Maddow. 

Thomas J: Rupert, do you agree?

Rupert J: Absolutely not. This country is being invaded by illegal immigrants the Biden-Harris administration has allowed to cross our border. Here in Southwest Florida, we are overrun with iguanas from Central America, cane toads from South America and pythons from India. They can kill pets in an instant. One minute we’re walking happily down the sidewalk minding our own business, the next we’re brunch for some python.

Thomas J: To be fair, those species were already here when Biden and Harris took office.

Rupert J: But their numbers have exploded over the last four years. It’s not safe for small dogs to go outside.

Thomas J: I agree, they are worrisome. Remember that five-foot iguana who kept leaving “souvenirs” on our roof? It drove me crazy and cost $2000 to get rid of him. Or maybe it was a her, I don’t know.

Russell J: Perhaps it was non-binary in which case you should refer to it as “them.”

Rupert J: Russell won’t admit it but the real reason he wants to endorse Harris is that he’s addicted to free stuff — organic chicken dad cooks up every day, microfiber pillows to curl up on, afternoons at doggie day care, and visits to the groomer for baths and pedicures. He thinks he’ll get more handouts from Democrats than from Republicans.

Russell J: You’re conveniently forgetting the dumbest freebie of all - the doggie stroller mom bought to push you up and down the street. I’m embarrassed to be seen with you. You look ridiculous.

Rupert J:  I need it. I’m old and my legs are four inches long. I get tired easily. Plus I’m afraid of illegals that might slither out of the grass. The stroller lifts me above the sidewalk and provides at least some protection from those savages.

Russell J: That is the kind of talk I’d expect from a German like you-know-who.

Rupert J: Don’t do you dare say it and, for the record, he was Austrian. My ancestors may have come to this country from Germany with nothing but the hair on their backs but they were imported legally and I’m 100 percent American, born right here in Florida. But what about you? For all I know, you’re an illegal. Mom and dad adopted you from a shelter. There’s no record of where you were before that. Maybe you snuck across the border from Venezuela or Iran. Maybe you’re a terrorist.

Russell J: The shelter jailers kept me locked up in a cage next to pit bulls for a week. It was inhumane. I only weigh ten pounds, I was scared to death. 

Rupert J: You’re desperate because your candidate has nothing better to do than call Trump supporters ugly names. Remember when Hillary called them deplorables? How did that work out for her? 

Russell J: Your candidate calls my candidate a low IQ commie. 

Thomas J:  Stop it, both of you! 

Russell J: Anyone who is undecided at this point is an idiot. If tomdryden.com endorses either candidate, you’ll piss off the other side's supporters. Can you really afford to do that? Nobody wants to read anything these days anyway, they just want to look at memes.

Thomas J: No I can’t. My readers are mostly old, like me. And more and more of them are dying off every day. We need every reader we can get.

Russell J: Well, there’s no way I’d endorse Rupert’s stupid candidate.

Rupert J: And I’m not endorsing Russell’s moron candidate.

Thomas J: In that case, we aren’t going to reach consensus so tomdryden.com won’t be endorsing anyone. This meeting is adjourned. 

END OF TRANSCRIPT

Losing sleep about the election

 

I’m having trouble sleeping. Are you?

If so, I’m guessing that you, like me, are losing sleep over the presidential election. 

You’re worried about who will win.

You’re worried that the winner of the popular vote won’t become president if he or she doesn’t win enough electoral votes.That doesn’t seem right.  Or that the candidate who receives fewer votes than his or her opponent will be declared the winner. That doesn’t seem right either. 

You’re worried Americans won't know who won for days, maybe weeks, after Election Day. 

You are worried that one or both parties are going to cheat.

You’re worried about what those disappointed by the outcome will do when their candidate loses. Will there be massive civil disobedience? Will people take to the streets with guns? Will cities burn? Will bridges be blown up? 

You’re disturbed because, once again, you’re not voting for a candidate, you’re voting against his or her opponent. Of the 300+ million people in America, why in the hell can’t we produce candidates better than these two?

You’re worried the polls (which you have trouble believing) indicate that half the people in this country are apparently willing to turn a blind eye to the obvious flaws of the candidate you are voting against. What's wrong with these people? 

You’re wondering how friends and loved ones who are voting against your candidate can be so stupid. You like to say their choice doesn’t affect your opinion of them, but it does. And that makes you feel bad. You should be bigger than this. 

You’re reminded that Lincoln, who knew a thing or two about running against an opponent with diametrically opposite views, said “a house divided against itself cannot stand.” 

Every four years you are told that "this is the most important election in American history.” This one may or may not be the most important, but you are convinced it is certainly the most important of your lifetime. 

Regardless of who wins, you’re dreading the next four years of nonstop vitriol. 

You are heartsick it has come to this. You shouldn't care this much -- the world will go on regardless of what happens -- but you can't help yourself because you care about integrity and truth and honesty and competence and intelligence and fairness and common sense.

And that is why you are lying awake at night and when you do fall asleep, your dreams are filled with dread about your country’s future.

Just like mine.