Thursday, May 18, 2017

Honoring Bonnie


Bonnie.
 April 9, 2001 - April 13, 2017

There's no easy way to say it so let me get it over with. Bonnie, the eldest of our two dachshunds, is dead. She died four days after her sixteenth birthday. Cancer.

Bonnie wasn’t the sweetest dog our family has had over the last 40 years. That's a distinction shared by Clyde, who looked just like her, and our surviving dachshund, Billy Ray, who will be 14 in August. Nor was she the smartest. That would be Sybil, the doxie-corgi mix we got three months after we married. Sybil could have probably done algebra if I been able to teach it to her. With her swayed back and bland brown coat, Bonnie wasn’t beautiful like the three long-haired dachshunds we’ve had, but she did have a marvelously expressive face, especially in her final years when it turned gray. She wasn't sociable, like our two beagles. Bonnie pretty much kept to herself unless she wanted something. She didn’t get excited and dance in circles to express her gratitude like Ocean, the little terrier we found begging on an Aruba beach, whenever he saw his food bowl being filled.

What Bonnie, more than any of the others had, was presence. She didn’t just occupy space. She reigned over it. We jokingly called her the Princess Royal but the fact is, she was the Queen. Bonnie, who got her start in an Arkansas puppy mill and, owing to her physical flaws, had been marked down 50 percent by the Connecticut pet store where we found her, had a sense of entitlement.

Everyone else’s comfort was secondary to Bonnie’s. She considered herself entitled to occupy whatever part of the sofa we wanted to lie on and the front passenger seat of our car on our long drives between Connecticut and Florida. She pushed us off our pillows at night; rested her face on my chest as I read, pawing me to make me put down the book and scratch her neck; nudged Clyde until he gave up his spot in front of the heat or AC vents whenever she decided she was too hot or too cold, and ate not only her own food but Billy Ray’s. She tricked him out of his breakfast almost every morning by pretending to see something at the door and barking. When he ran to the door to see for himself, she would double back and inhale his food.

Those traits in a human would be objectionable but in an 11 lb. wiener dog they were hilarious and endearing. We knew we were in the presence of royalty and that our wishes came second to Bonnie’s.

We miss her terribly but we’ve been through this before. From the day we got her we knew we’d likely outlive her and that our hearts would someday be broken. 

Every time we’ve lost a dog we’ve run out within the month and brought home another. We tell ourselves and our friends we’re getting another dog because the one left behind is sad and lost but that’s not the real reason. We do it because we are.

I spent the four weeks after Bonnie’s death searching online for another dachshund. A female dachshund. An adult female dachshund A smooth-haired adult female dachshund. (I prefer smooth coated weenies, my wife likes the long-haired versions.) A smooth-haired female adult dachshund no older than two because, having just had our hearts ripped out, we want one we can love a good long time.

I scoured petfinder.com and adoptapet.com – looking at some as far away as Seattle – but almost all were mixed with something else, usually Chihuahua. In past years that would have been fine but Chihuahuas, supposedly, aren’t good with children, and we have toddler grandsons who visit often so we can’t take that risk. Other dogs were too old, or had physical or medical conditions we're not prepared or willing to take on.

I checked out dachshund rescue organizations from Miami to Boston and Chicago. I visited local animal shelters. I scrolled through hundreds of listings on craigslist and hoobly for a thousand miles in every direction and spent hours visiting breeder web sites to see if any had adult dogs they no longer wanted or needed.

Nothing fit.

I told my wife that maybe we should get a puppy and went to a pet store. (I know pet store dogs come from puppy mills and don’t want to encourage them but Bonnie came from one, gave us 16 wonderful years and I was desperate.) I even took my wife to see a litter I found on craigslist. I assumed we’d come home with one but we left empty-handed.

My wife finally said that maybe, this time, we should wait a while before we got another dog. I reluctantly agreed. But I didn’t know she was looking, too.

Sunday morning she found a dog on a breeder’s website that had just become available, a three-and-a-half year-old male long-haired dachshund. Everything I didn’t want. We called, jumped into the car with Billy Ray and drove 220 miles each way to pay him a visit.

It goes without saying we fell in love with him and he will be joining our family as soon as he is – ouch – neutered. He has been a stud but his Playboy days are over. Billy is a male and we don’t want the two of them to get into pissing matches. Neutering should take care of that. His name is Josh, an awfully nice name for a human much less a dog, but we’re planning to keep it because he already answers to it.

Nothing will bring back my Bonnie to me but Josh is going to help heal the hole in our hearts. He will need training and that’s going to take a lot of time – time I look forward to spending as I get to know him and he gets to know and trust us.

For the first time since Bonnie left us five weeks ago today, I can talk and think about her without getting a lump in my throat or misty-eyed.

Curled up as I know she is on heaven's most comfortable sofa, I have a feeling she approves. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Weekend in Medellin



“So,” my smart-ass friend asked when I mentioned my son and I were planning a weekend trip to Medellin, Colombia, “all the flights to Syria were booked?”

Her reaction was understandable. Medellin (pronounced Med-a-jean), a city of four million, is best known as the home of Pablo Escobar's drug cartel which, from the mid-seventies through the mid-nineties, brought in $60 million per day in cocaine revenue, turning Colombia into a no-go land for travelers and Medellin in particular into one of the world’s most dangerous spots, a city most Americans to this day associate with assassinations, kidnappings, bombings and general anarchy.

So why, out of all the places in the world, did we choose Medellin for a father-son vacation?

1.     Because it’s there. I love South America. I’ve visited Brazil, Chile, Argentina and Uruguay but had never made it to Colombia, South America’s second-most populous country. And Stuart, who is collecting continents, had never been to South America.

2.     It’s not your standard tourist destination.  Both of us like to travel to places off the beaten path. (Stuart gets that from me.) We had originally planned a trip to the Russian Far East, where, it turns out, Putin is now assembling troops to scare Kim Jong Un – that’s too adventurous even for our tastes. And once Stuart decided he wanted to take off only a few days from his job, Medellin seemed a more practical if not altogether sensible destination.

3.     Medellin has undergone a miraculous transformation. Medellin has worked hard to overcome its shameful history and is now hailed as one of South America’s most progressive cities. The Wall Street Journal in 2013 even named it the world’s most innovative city. Despite my reassurance that Medellin was safe, my wife, with whom I had watched all 20 episodes of the excellent Netflix series “Narcos” about the Escobar era, was terrified and made me promise to look after our “baby.” (The first night we were there I took a photo of him in his bed and texted her that her 31-year-old baby, who lives in an iffy area of a far more dangerous city, Washington, D.C., was safe and sound in his crib.)

4.     It is ridiculously close. Medellin is a mere two-hour and fifty-minute flight from Miami – about the same as Boston or Dallas. For Stuart it was a six-hour hop from Dulles, including a change of planes in Panama City. It is amazing to think that, less than three hours from the U.S. mainland, there’s a vibrant, beautiful city completely surrounded by the Andes.

5.     The climate. Medellin is known as the City of Eternal Spring, thanks to perfect weather year-round with average highs around 80 and average lows around 60. Because it’s just a few degrees north of the equator, the days are equally predictable. The sun comes up within a few minutes of 6 and goes down twelve hours later. If you’ve ever bought flowers in a supermarket, flower shop or big-box retailer, there’s a good chance they came from the area around Medellin or Bogota, Colombia’s capital, 150 miles to the southwest. Whereas April showers bring May flowers here in the U.S., predictably perfect spring-like weather guarantees blooms year-round in Colombia, which grows seventy percent of the flowers sold in the United States. At the Medellin Airport you’ll see many jumbo cargo jets being loaded with flowers bound for wholesalers throughout North America and Europe. Pilots must love those gigs – the smell must be incredible.

My flight landed around 1 p.m. on Thursday and it was a 45-minute cab ride to the hotel, located in Medellin’s Poblado section, a leafy area of elegant single-family homes, high-rise condos, hotels, upscale shops and restaurants. Our hotel, the Sites 45, featured loft-style rooms, lavish linens that included six pillows ­– soft, medium and firm – on each bed, a bathroom with rain shower, a rooftop pool and breakfast buffet, all for eighty bucks per night.

Needing to exchange my dollars for Colombia pesos, I trudged up a steep hill – Medellin has hills that make San Francisco look like Kansas – to the Centro Comercial Oviedo shopping mall on the Milla de Oro, a “Golden Mile” of office towers, casinos and restaurants, stopping at a McDonald’s to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi to touch base with my son in Panama.

Two hours later, while sitting in the hotel lobby waiting for Stuart to arrive, I thumbed through an oversize picture book, “100 Facts About Medellin” published by the local government to demonstrate the steps it has taken to repair the city’s reputation. I learned that Medellin is one of the few cities in South America with a safe water supply, public libraries even in the poorest neighborhoods, humane societies, and that its new world-class Metro system has created economic opportunities previously denied the poor by linking the outlying barrios that sprawl up the mountainsides where they live with the city center where they are more likely to find jobs.

Once Stuart arrived around 7 p.m., I again climbed the hill – my 65-year-old calves screaming with every step for me to stop – up to the Milla de Oro for dinner at an Italian restaurant. Four Colombian beers, an appetizer, two entrees, a shared dessert and tip came to $30.

Friday morning we were picked up at 9 a.m. for the only activity we had booked in advance, a daylong private tour to a coffee farm near Concordia, a small town high in the Andes. Our driver and guide, Andres, was an hour late – he had to take his Toyota  Land Cruiser to be emission-tested that day – but kept in touch via phone. (Medellin, unlike most South American cities where the pollution is terrible -- I once had trouble seeing a 747 parked next to mine in Sao Paulo because of the crud suspended in the air -- is into sustainability.) After stopping at another hotel to pick up a dour Norwegian couple, we headed out of town on a four-lane highway that, outside Medellin, narrowed to a two-lane road.

I’ve been on some windy, twisty roads in my day including the infamous road to Mosca in Tenerife, a road my skittish wife still can’t talk about without hyper-ventilating, but this one took the cake, as Andres pointed out waterfalls, mountain peaks (including one that resembled a pyramid) and vegetation.

En route to Concordia, a pyramid shaped peak
His nonstop narrative helped take my mind off the fact that we were passing slow-moving vehicles on hairpin curves, that motorcycles were passing us on the right, and that massive trucks were barreling down the middle of the narrow mountainous road toward us, pulling over at the last possible second to avoid hitting us head-on.

Two hours later we arrived at a coffee finca (farm) that Andres explained, had been in the same family for generations.

Greeting us as we drove in were a dozen or so Jack Russell terriers (we saw many in Medellin – they must be the unofficial dog of Colombia) whose only apparent job is to greet guests then fall asleep in the best chairs.
Official welcoming committee

"Pull up a seat and have a cuppa coffee with me"
The manager treated us on the porch of the farmhouse to French-pressed coffee and explained about the growing process. It was fascinating to learn that many dark, so-called “robust” coffees – the ones upscale chain coffee shops tout as richer and more flavorful – are actually made with diseased beans, as are most instant coffees. He explained that locals joke that Nescafe means “no es café” in Spanish.

As high from caffeine as the peaks that surrounded us, we headed further up the mountain to pick beans and marvel at the views.

The view from atop the finca. Those green plants
are coffee trees.
Andres instructed us to break open the ripe red berries we had just picked, explaining that each contains two beans surrounded by a gelatinous substance that surprisingly, has no taste. Nor do the beans, which are tan in color, have any flavor whatsoever.

Only the red berries are ready to pick
Even after the beans have been dried – preferably in the sun or, if that’s not possible because of rain –in ovens, they have no taste, and retain their light color.

Coffee beans don’t begin to taste like coffee until they are roasted which, Andres explained, is a process that is usually done not in Colombia but in the country to which they are exported. Surprisingly, it is the roasting that adds flavor and value to the coffee, and that’s where the big profits come into play. Coffee prices worldwide are flat and are expected to stay that way thanks in part to an overabundance of supply from Vietnam whose coffees, Andres sniffed, aren’t up to Colombian standards.

We visited a sorting room in which the good beans are separated from the diseased ones, then placed in burlap sacks for sale to the local cooperative or, depending on the size of the farm, to a distribution network of which the farmer is a partial owner.


After stopping at the farmhouse for another cup of coffee (and to admire a Jack Russell puppy) we headed into town to visit a collective where local farmers bring their beans for sale.

Stuart holding a 7-week old Jack Russell puppy


Town square, Concordia

Three hours later, after a late lunch, and a harrowing ride back to town – for several kilometers we followed two boys on bicycles who had grabbed onto the back of a water truck that was pulling them up and down mountain roads, which Andres said is nothing unusual in Colombia – we were deposited back at our hotel. Total cost of the 9-hour tour for two including lunch: $170. (For bookings, contact landventuretravel.co/ ).

Dinner was at Malevo, an Argentine steak house – empanadas, perfectly cooked steaks with roasted veggies, a dessert, two glasses of wine, two beers and a bottle of agua con gas – for $50 mas or menos. En route to the restaurant we stopped at an “Exito,” a massive Target-like store, to see if we could find the one souvenir we both wanted, “Medellin” t-shirts. No luck. There weren’t even shirts that said “Colombia.”

Other than the trip to Concordia, we had no established itinerary, and had agreed to play it by ear. Medellin isn’t a place one goes for museums, castles and the standard touristy stuff. It’s a place to visit just for the experience.  So, Saturday morning, we took the subway downtown, where we transferred to a cable car that headed, seemingly, straight up to the top of a mountain, passing over a part of Medellin we hadn’t yet seen – a barrio containing thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of neat, clean homes built from concrete blocks and wood, many with roofs made of corrugated tin, stacked on top of each other along the side of the steep mountain.

The cable car ride up to Parque Arvi

Barrio homes built into the mountainside

Brightly colored laundry hung from the porches of some of the homes, and had been placed out to dry on the roofs of others.

Laundry day
After a ride of thirty minutes or so we arrived at the Parque Arvi, an ecological nature preserve and archaeological park where pre-Colombian relics – arrowheads, cooking utensils, headpieces, etc. -- dating back thousands of years have been unearthed. We strolled around for a bit, then headed down the mountain.

That afternoon we visited the Plaza Botero in downtown Medellin, named after Fernando Botero whose paintings and sculptures depict people and things that are – there’s no nice way to say it – fat. Hilariously fat. I saw Botero’s paintings in Madrid’s Museo de Prado years ago and became an instant fan. A native of Medellin, Botero graciously donated thirty of his sculptures to the city which has installed them around a plaza that, on this grey Saturday, was jam-packed with vendors hawking everything from empanadas to fried chicken (a Medellin favorite – it’s sold on the streets and in restaurants) to tennis shoes to clothing to jewelry to toys. If it weren’t for the obese statues standing guard around the plaza, it would be easy to imagine you were strolling around the downtown area of any large Latin American city, such as San Juan, Santiago or Mexico City.

A Botero sculpture of a Roman solider
But the one thing we were looking for – t-shirts that said “Medellin” or “Colombia” – weren’t to be found.

That afternoon we visited the Via Primavera, an upscale area of parks, open-air restaurants, bars and shops we had driven through with Andres the day before, for a late lunch, then wandered through the Poblado district, admiring the flowers (like Florida but more abundant and colorful since it never gets as hot in Medellin as it does here). Around 5 p.m. we found ourselves at the Plaza Santa Fe, a massive circular mall that reminds one of a multi-level baseball stadium with no roof. It contained dozens of stores selling virtually anything a tourist or well-to-do resident could want, but no Medellin or Colombia t-shirts.

That night, we headed back to the Via Primavera to a Greek restaurant whose owner, Christos, a man my age with a ponytail and white suit, pulled up a chair at our table.

The Greek Connection
Christos explained he was born in Cyprus, studied engineering in Canada, and moved to LA in the 1980s to open a Greek restaurant where he hung out with celebrities including Judge Reinhold, Tom Cruise and Telly Savalas, whose photographs adorned the whitewashed walls. He then relocated to Dubai where he made a fortune selling outdoor misting fans. Last year, he moved to Medellin, where, he said, he has friends and lives in a five-bedroom, five-bath penthouse he bought for less than $500,000 U.S., and opened a beautifully decorated restaurant over which he presides nightly. Our dinner – cocktails, saganaki followed by pastitsio, and a complementary Greek liqueur – was awesome and $45.

Christos suggested that after our meal we should go to a disco in downtown Medellin run by midgets (or, if you’re one of my PC readers, little people) where, he promised as he showed a video he had taken the night before, we were sure to have a great time.

We said we’d think about it and, in retrospect, should have gone because we were back in our room by 10:30 watching a marathon of “How I Met Your Mother” re-runs in Spanish. Opposite our balcony, on the balcony of a high-rise condo across the street, a well-dressed man was getting a haircut, as if he was about to go out club-hopping (to a club, I assume, populated with normal-size people). Apparently, if one can afford to live in that building one can summon one’s barber whenever one needs a trim, even at 11 on a Saturday night.

Stuart’s mother will be furious when she reads this and will accuse me of not protecting her baby but we had decided that the following morning we would go parasailing. A number of operators in Bello, a Medellin ‘burb located high in the mountains overlooking the city below, offer flights ranging from 10 minutes to 30 minutes. I emailed one for reservations. He replied that we didn’t need them but that the earlier we arrived, the quicker we could ride and the longer the ride would last since the air tends to be choppier and thus more conducive to gliding up and over the city before it heats up. I was excited – nervous as all get out, I'm 65 after all, but excited – until I read a Trip Advisor review from a Canadian tourist who wrote she had broken her ankle in three places upon landing and wound up in a hospital for the better part of a week. Having broken both ankles in the last 10 years, I told Stuart I’d take a pass but would make a video of his ride.  

Unfortunately for him (but fortunately for me because his mother would rip me a new one had we actually gone) it was pouring the next morning, and the mountains weren’t even visible, so our parasailing adventure was off.  After breakfast, we parked ourselves at a coffee shop next door to the hotel where we waited for the rain to subside.

By noon, the downpour had dwindled to a steady drizzle, so we took a cab to the Jardins Botanico, the Medellin Botanical Garden, whose tropical plants, trees and flowers made this Floridian feel right at home.

Bird of Paradise at the Jardins Botanico
As we left the butterfly garden, the rain was starting again, so we caught the Metro downtown, alighting at the Museo de Antioquia. (Antioquia is one of Colombia’s 32 departments, equivalent to our states, and Medellin is its capital). We hadn’t planned on visiting a museum but then, we hadn’t planned on rain.

There we saw dozens of Botero paintings including a pair depicting Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette on a trip to Medellin (which happened only in Botero’s imagination), photographs of Antioquia’s early days, and lots of other works the viewing of which was preferable to being rained on but not particularly ooh- and ahh-able enough for me to describe here.



Heading to the Via Primavera for beers, we encountered a car/motorcycle accident at a busy intersection. The rider had been taken away – not a good sign.

Our last dinner was at an Italian restaurant on the Milla de Oro. (As you may have discerned, Colombian cuisine didn’t appeal to us. Much of it is fried and is corn or plantain-based.)  


A fire juggler stops traffic, including (God help the hapless patient
inside trying to get to the hospital) an ambulance with its lights flashing
 on the Milla de Oro
Over dinner we talked about getting up early to see if the day was clear so we could be at the parasailing launch pad by 9 a.m, which should give us time – barely – to catch our flights home. Beer, wine, soups, steak for Stuart, an asparagus and shrimp risotto for me, came to $50 with tip.

But Monday morning dawned grey and we could see the mountains shrouded in rainclouds, so our grand adventure was off.

Having a couple of free hours, we rode a cable car up a mountain on the eastern side of the city, passing over barrios whose residents were poorer – much poorer – than the ones we had seen on Saturday.

Stuart had read in his guidebook about a shop selling t-shirts at one of the Metro stations but, alas, it was closed. (Monday was a national holiday, Labor Day.) Peering through its windows, we couldn’t see any shirts anyway.

The thirty-something woman who drove us to the airport said she had once lived in Miami but had returned home to Medellin now that the city is bouncing back.

“You wanna get rich?” I asked. “Sure,” she replied. “Have some t-shirts that say ‘Medellin’ made up and take them to shops across the city to resell. There aren’t any.”

I could tell this was news to her. Being a native of a city known for its crime and drugs, she – heck, nobody apparently – has realized tourists might actually want to wear a shirt proclaiming they went to Medellin and liked it. And that’s a shame. Because Medellin and its transformation into a world-class tourist destination is something to be celebrated.

If I were younger, I’d open a store in the Via Primavera area or on the Milla de Oro, call it the Medellin Store, and sell them myself. But I don’t think my wife would agree to move to Medellin, despite the fact that we could live like royalty for a pittance, eat out every night, and enjoy walking through a city that appears to be safer and more welcoming to tourists than most big American cities I’ve visited lately.

Why don’t more Americans visit Medellin? Beats me. 

If you are a gambler, Medellin has casinos galore, including a Hard Rock we walked through, successfully resisting the urge to blow our pesos at the tables. Medellin’s casinos aren’t as grand as those in Las Vegas to be sure, but there are many around the town, particularly in the Poblado area.

Want to make sure the weather is warm for your winter vacation, something you can’t always count on Florida to deliver? Medellin has luxury hotels that cost a fraction of what you’d pay in Ft. Lauderdale, Clearwater or Sanibel, with pools surrounded by tropical vegetation and uniformed attendants who will cater to your every need.

The pool atop our hotel, overlooking Medellin's Milla de Oro
Love mountains? The Andes make the Rockies look like the Ozarks.

Are you a city person? Medellin has towering high-rises, fine shopping and restaurants, and it’s safer to walk around in than, say, downtown D.C., Chicago or Philly. We never once felt unsafe, even late at night.


Want to escape to another continent and/or culture but don’t have the time or money to go to Europe? Medellin’s the ideal getaway and – bonus – there’s no jet lag.

We lunched at the airport where, moments before boarding my flight, I found a duty free boutique that had a stack of “Colombia” t-shirts tucked away in one corner. Not Medellin, but Colombia. Close enough. I bought one along with two bags of coffee candy with the last of my pesos, boarded my flight and, in less than three hours, was home in the US of A.


And I can't wait to go back.

The Dryden boys on a rainy Medellin afternoon





Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Chips off the old block




Today is our youngest son’s thirty-first birthday. Stuart was born in the labor room, rather than the delivery room, of the hospital and for that you can blame me, as my wife, Judy, still does.

Three years earlier, when our other son, Ben, was born, Judy was in labor for what seemed like days. We left for the hospital at 8 p.m. on Thursday. Ben wasn’t born until a few minutes before midnight on Saturday.

So, the night before Stuart’s birth, when my wife said it was time to go to the hospital, I assumed that, based on her previous drawn-out labor, it would be a long, long time before we saw the inside of the delivery room. As planned, we dropped Ben off with friends, Barry and Debbie, then headed to the hospital. The doctor on duty informed Judy she wasn’t in labor, wasn’t likely to go into labor anytime within the next week, and told us to go home.

Ben was asleep when we got to Barry’s and Debbie’s house, so we decided to leave him there. I told Barry and Debbie I’d come in the morning to pick him up.

Exhausted from all the hoop-de-do, I immediately fell asleep when we got home, but Judy didn’t. She lay awake all night, convinced she was, despite what the doctor had said, in labor.

When, at 6:30 a.m., she shook me awake and said we had to leave for the hospital that very minute, I felt no sense of urgency. Just hours before, after all, the doctor had said we were at least a week away from D-day. I took a shower, walked and fed the dogs, helped her into the back seat of the car, and headed for the hospital, four miles away, at a leisurely pace.

About a mile from the hospital, I finally got the message loud and clear: she wasn’t joking. The kid was about to be born. Moments after I dropped her off in front of the ER – I had just come in from parking the car – Stuart arrived. Had we had left home five minutes later he would have been born in a Volvo station wagon and we could have named him Sven.

I got to Barry and Debbie’s house shortly before noon to find that Ben wasn’t there. Barry had taken him to the supermarket. When they arrived, Barry was carrying several bags of food, including a giant bag of potato chips.

I took Ben onto the sun porch off Barry and Debbie’s living room and told him, “You know that baby in mommy’s tummy? It came out this morning and it’s a boy! You are a big brother! What do you have to say about that?”

Ben’s response, delivered in a monotone only a single-minded three-year-old can muster, will forever be legendary not only within our family but within Barry’s and Debbie’s, who were listening at the door: “I’m hungry for potato chips.”

Twenty-eight years later, moments after Teddy, Ben’s first son, was born, I texted Stuart to tell him he was an uncle. Stuart texted back, “I’m hungry for potato chips.”

Logging on to my email this morning, I found a note from Ben, an attorney at a DC law firm. It contained a link to an article he had written about oligarchy pricing within the airline industry that was published today in a prestigious law journal. Ben told us last month the article had been accepted for publication. When I read the draft I insisted he send at that time, I had to read it s-l-o-w-l-y to absorb the gist of it, which is that five index funds now own roughly 80 percent of the shares of publicly traded airlines which is why some economists have opined – not necessarily correctly, Ben asserts – that airline fares have increased over the last few years. While I don’t even pretend to understand antitrust law, Ben's specialty, I do understand the airline industry because I spent much of my career working within it.

Wanting to read the article again, I went to the pantry to find something to eat as I savored every word along with my morning coffee.

Two days ago, Judy and I returned from D.C., where both sons now live, on JetBlue. We had flown up for the weekend to attend a birthday party for Teddy, who turned three, and his brother Isaac, who turned one the day after. 

There in the pantry was a single-serve bag of Terra Blue potato chips, JetBlue’s signature snack. Judy wasn’t hungry when the flight attendant came around with her basket of goodies, so she had tucked the chips into her handbag and brought them home.

They were, on this fine and beautiful Florida morning, particularly delicious.

Friday, March 10, 2017

America's (un)civil war


Americans are engaged in a second civil war, a war of words that plays out every day in a million little skirmishes that add up to the equivalent of an atomic bomb being dropped on our national psyche.

Much of it is related to politics and hatred of Trump:

·      A man returning from the inauguration sits next to a woman on a plane who tells him. “You make me sick. Don’t talk to me. Don’t look at me. Don’t you dare even put your arm on that rest. You disgust me. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re a bigot. You should get off this plane.”

·      Former West Wing actor Brad Whitford, in response to a plea for religious tolerance from Ivanka Trump following the desecration of a Jewish cemetery, tweets, “Your father is a racist birther. Steve Bannon an anti-Semitic opportunist. You and your husband are enabling hatred. Fuck your shoes.”

·      A friend and colleague whose intelligence and level-headedness I have always admired makes three or four Facebook posts a day calling Trump "dickbreath.” 

·      Madonna tells a crowd she has thought about blowing up the White House.

And how does the president, who is presiding over our tinderbox of a country, respond? He throws fuel on the fire with a nonstop barrage of tweets calling his detractors losers, failures, stupid, dopey and clueless.

Politics aren’t the only trigger for our collective anger. Read the comments under any news story about virtually any topic and you’ll see responses so cruel and hateful they will take your breath away. For instance, this morning’s Yahoo News reports that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, are expecting another child, and includes a photo of his family. Some random comments: "God, his wife is ugly." "It's a shame they let this guy spread his seed on another person. Please stop him from procreating anymore." "Why does his wife go by the name of Chan? The jerk is a billionaire and all she could do is laundry and Chinese take-out."

Little wonder most news sites have disabled reader comments.

All this unhinged anger isn’t confined to any specific age group. Here in Southwest Florida, where a substantial percentage of residents are over 50, even my fellow oldsters are becoming nasty to each other:

·      At the meeting of the board of directors of my community association, members of a group that want the board to join a lawsuit they’ve filed against the developer scream “sit down” and “shut up” to homeowners speaking against their plan.

·      In a supermarket parking lot outside the entrance to my development, a 61-year old woman gets out of her car, storms up to the driver of the vehicle ahead of her who is waiting for traffic to clear before turning, and slaps him, screaming he is going too slowly. He calls the police. Newscasters interview the woman’s neighbors who say she always seemed nice.

·      Country club members are sent an anonymous email attacking the integrity of another member. The club’s management, in response, sends an email saying, “We are better than this.”

What’s the catalyst for all this anger?

Drugs? Alcohol? Because social media and the web enable people to anonymously post comments they would never make in public? Because we see so much hatred expressed online that it spills over into our everyday behavior? Because we are no longer able to distinguish “news” from “opinion?” Because we are angry with the media? Or Republicans? Or Democrats? Is it due to religion – too much or too little?  Racism? Jealousy of those who are successful? Disgust for those who aren’t? Hatred for those who are different? Arrogance? Undereducation? Overeducation? Because we now give people trophies just for showing up, so they don’t know to handle disappointment? Have we Americans always had this much anger bottled up inside but most of us weren’t aware of it because, until recently, we didn’t have cable TV and the Internet to feed us news about it 24/7?

Beats me, but we need to get a grip because all this anger, all this nastiness, is diminishing us, beating us down. Emerson said it well: "For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." 

Now, get the fuck off your computer and go out and be kind to someone, you dickbreath loser.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Oscar acceptance speech

© Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences

Oh my God, thank you so much! You like me, you really do! There are so many people I want to mention. (Writer name), from the first page, I knew you had written the perfect script. (Director name), I can’t believe you gave me the honor of bringing (character name) to life. My co-stars, (actor name and actor name) – this belongs as much to you as it does to me. My beloved (partner), as valuable as this statue is, you know that waking up next to you every morning is the one prize I value most. 

The only possible thing that would make me happier tonight is if that insane orange orangutan fascist in the White House were to be strung up from the top of the Washington Monument and left to rot -- not just him but all the lying thieves in his cabinet and all the ignorant racist white trash who voted for him. Every time I turn on the TV and see his fat face that’s swollen with the festering puss of misogyny, xenophobia, pedophilia and homophobia, I want to puke. He's not even legitimate, he didn't win the popular vote. All of you watching at home know he is nothing but Putin’s puppet and that if he got his way and all the foreigners, gays and transgenders were exterminated, there wouldn’t be anyone left in this town to create the movies that encourage, uplift, inspire and remind us of our humanity.

I hope all of you who share my fear that the America in which our children are growing up makes Nazi Germany look like Mr. Rogers' neighborhood will remember that, and will never, ever forget the most important thing of all -- that love trumps hate. 

Thank you all so much. I love you!

Monday, February 20, 2017

Bargain to the Maxx


TD: So what’s in the TJ Maxx bag?

JD: You know I love the Movado watch you gave me for our anniversary. I wear it all the time. Don’t be insulted but … I bought another one. (Opens box to reveal it.)

TD: Nice!

JD: This one’s completely different. It’s gold. The one you gave me is stainless steel. Do you like it?

TD: Sure, it’s great. Why would I get mad?

JD: Well, see the price on the box?

TD: Five hundred fifty dollars. Wow.

JD: OK, that’s the retail price. Look at this tag with TJ’s price: $229.99.

TD: Almost half off. Good for you.

JD: But, it was clearance priced. Just $189.

TD: Another $40 off. Not bad!

JD: I’m just getting started. Today was Senior Day – ten percent off everything in the store for people 55 and older. That saved another $18.90.

TD: So now we’re down to, what, $170 or so?

JD: Yeah, but they added sales tax so as you can see here on the receipt -- a total of $180.31.

TD: Not too shabby!

JD: I had a $100 gift card from my birthday, so that made it $80.

TD: Damn, that’s impressive!

JD: Plus, my account had a $26.49 credit from something I returned a year ago.

TD: OK, you’re at, like, $54 here. 

JD: Plus, for every $200 I spend, I get a $10 credit certificate and I had five of those I was worried were gonna expire so I applied them. Look at this (indicating amount on receipt). A $550 Movado watch for a grand total of $3.82. People around me at checkout were applauding. The cashier said I win the prize for the bargain of the week.

TD: I’ll admit it, that’s pretty good.

JD: Yeah. You’re sure you’re not upset? I really do love the one you got me.

TD: No problem. I didn’t know you needed another watch.

JD: I don’t.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Buy buy Miss American pie


Pizza Hut employee: That will be $16.89.

TD: There’s a poster in the window that says, “Any pizza, any size, any crust, any toppings for $10.” I ordered a large thin crust pepperoni. So why is it $16.89?

Pizza Hut employee: Because you have to ask if you want the $10 price.

TD: I was about to pick up something for dinner at the supermarket next door but saw your sign so I came here instead. Why would I have to ask when you’re advertising for people to come in and order it?  

Pizza Hut employee: I dunno, but the manager said we have to charge full price unless you specifically ask for it.

TD: It doesn't say that on the poster.

Pizza Hut employee: I know. 

TD: Well cancel my order, I don't want it any more.

Pizza Hut employee: Okay.

TD: Is it cancelled? 

Pizza Hut employee: Yes.

TD: I want a large pizza, thin crust with pepperoni, for $10.

Pizza Hut employee (entering order into register):  That comes to $10.60 with tax.

TD (handing over the money): Here you go.

Pizza Hut employee (handing back change): It’ll be ready in 10 minutes.  

Friday, February 10, 2017

Dryden's Laws

Nothing in life is certain. Except: 

- Your bank’s ATM will be out of service and the screen will direct you to visit the nearest one, five miles away. When you get to that ATM, it will be out of service and the screen will direct you to the one you originally visited.

- When your car enters the car wash, the sun will be shining. By the time it emerges two minutes later, the sky will have turned gray. It will rain on the way home. The sun will come out again as you turn into your driveway.

- The first time you wear a new tie, you will dribble something on it.

- When you're in a hurry at the supermarket,  the cashier’s printer will jam and/or run out of paper.

- When you find an article of clothing or pair of shoes you want to buy, the store will have it in every size but yours.

- The door prize will go to the person who entered just ahead of you.

- The moment you step onto the plane, the flight attendant will announce the overhead bins are full and you have to check your bag.

- When you’re waiting for an important call, Rachel from Cardmember Services will call.

- When you see a story you want to read online and click on a headline, it will turn out to be a video.

- Every time you are confident you’ve overpaid your taxes, you have underpaid. When you are sure you’ve underpaid, you have overpaid.

- The kitchen will be out of what you ordered but your waiter won’t tell you that until he’s served everyone else in your party.

- After you've waited in a phone queue for what seems like hours, listening to recorded messages telling you how important your call is, the person who finally picks up will cut you off. 

- In the middle of a bathroom renovation project, after the demolition but before your new cabinets, sinks, faucets, countertops, flooring, etc.,  have been installed, your contractor (whose references were impeccable) will (a) announce he has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness (b) declare bankruptcy after you’ve advanced him money to buy materials he hasn’t yet delivered  (c) claim he is unable to give you a completion date because all of his employees suddenly decided to return to El Salvador or (d) do all the above if you’re Tom Dryden.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

A chicken with its head cut off

                  

My brother Jerry and sister-in-law Nancy just left after a short visit. As we always do, we spent lots of time swapping family stories.

Unlike most brothers, whose childhood memories overlap, Jerry’s and mine don’t. He is older by sixteen and a half years and left for college before I was two; I don’t even remember him living under the same roof. He has stories I haven’t heard. I always have some that are news to him, including this one, which happened when I was 16 or 17.

Whenever it was our mother’s turn to host her bridge club – two or three tables of ladies who dressed to the max for the occasion – she went all out to impress, cleaning the house top to bottom, polishing the silver and agonizing over the menu.

For this particular get-together of her club, mom decided she wanted to serve chicken salad. Sounds easy enough. You go to the store, buy a chicken, cook it, chop the meat and mix in the celery, mayo or whatever else you want to put into it, right?

Not for our farm-raised mother. She insisted the best chicken salad was made with meat from an old hen. She said it tasted better.  

She called a farmer she knew from church who raised chickens. He said he had an old hen he would gladly sell her. She dispatched me -- I had just received my driver’s license -- out into the country to get it.

The day was oppressively hot and humid. When I arrived, the farmer’s wife, an elderly lady I had seen a hundred times dressed in her Sunday best, greeted me wearing bib overalls with no shirt underneath. Living in the middle of nowhere, she was apparently accustomed to dressing that way on hot summer days. It was, at once, fascinating and revolting. It took all the willpower I possessed to avert my eyes.

She took me to the chicken coop where she caught the hen, which fluttered about, trying to escape. She thrust it by the legs upside down into a wooden crate with slats. I placed the crate in the car’s trunk and drove home.

When the old hen and I arrived, mom said she was going to show me how to kill a chicken and told me to fetch a broomstick. At this point in my story, Jerry, who remembered the era before rural Missouri grocery stores like our father’s sold dressed chickens, laughed and said he knew exactly what I was about to describe because, as a youngster, he had watched mom kill dozens of chickens that way.

I carried the crated hen around the side of the house. Mom ordered me to hold with one hand the chicken’s head just above the ground and to hold its back legs with the other.  She placed the broomstick over the hen’s neck, pushed the broomstick and hen to the ground, then stood on the stick, straddling the hen. She grabbed it by the tail … pulled up on its body … and, whoosh, the chicken was decapitated.

Freed from its head, the chicken started running, blood spurting every which way from the gaping hole in its neck, turning the grass red. It ran around in circles a couple of times then headed straight into the street ... and into the path of an oncoming truck which flattened it.

The bridge club ladies were served ham salad.