Overheard in the TSA line

I flew from Ft. Myers to White Plains, NY today. When I arrived at the airport this morning, the security line was the longest I've encountered since the months right after 9/11.

I was at first annoyed, then intrigued, by the phone conversations of the forty-ish, dark-haired man behind me in the line, who talked on his cell phone the entire time. I finally took out a note pad and jotted down some of the highlights, which are presented below for your reading pleasure. (Imagine a Brooklyn accent heah for the full effect.)

….standing on the longest security loin I’ve ever seen, right by a sign that says it’s an hour from here to the front of the loin. My plane’s at 1:30. I was gonna stop and buy a … gottacallcomingin, talk later.

Hi Sheila, was just … you’re shittin’ me. On a scale of one to ten how pissed is he? Whoa, that’s pissed. I’ll be honest heah. I fuh-got about it. Do me a fav-uh. Go get the file off my desk and call me back, OK? OK then, gottacallcomingin, talk to youse later.

Hey, whassup? No way, I said forty-six cash on the table, take it or leave it. White on the outside, black leath-uh on the inside. Look, I don’t give a shit if you have to steal one off another dealer’s lot, I want to pick it up Saturday at noon, capiche? OK, check with him, see what he says then gottacallcomingin, talk later.

Hey Sheila, when was it due? Monday? This past Monday? So why am I just hearing this? How come nobody called? All it would have taken was one simple call and it would have been OK but now…now… oh shit, it’s him on the uth-uh loin, gotta go.

Hey Edguh, how are you this fine day? Really? You’ve been waiting since Monday? You have got to be kidding me. The whole office knows how important your account is. I can’t believe … there has to be a mistake. Maybe it’s in your spam mail. Did you check? Let me look into this. I’ll call the office and get back to you. Who'd you talk to, Sheila? How long ago? At the airport. Yes, I’ll be here another hour.

(He ends call and immediately makes one.)

Sheila, he is beyond pissed. Here’s what I need you to do. Look in the (company name) file. I did a quote for them just like this one in -- I think it was -- August, except they wanted a hundred thousand pieces. Edguh wants – what is it, seventy-seven thousand? Just clone that quote, change the company name and quantity and amount and email it to him ASAP. Can you do that for me? OK, I owe you one babe gottacallcomingin, talk later.

Whassup? I can’t believe you’re asking. Of course I want navigation! Whaa? How much? Are you out of your mind? No way I’m paying $3,000 for that. I’ve bought – let’s see now – five of these cars from you in as many years and you’re bustin' my balls about a navigation system?  I wanna make sure you understand what you’re throwing away heah. OK then, check with him and call me back.

(He ends call and immediately makes one.)

Hi Edguh, it was all a mistake.  Everyone signed off on the quote last week, and Sheila was supposed to send it to you Monday but, obviously, she didn’t and she's covering her ass. She’s at lunch right now but she’ll send it the moment she gets back. Between you and me, she’s gonna be off your account come Monday morning, she’s making one mistake after another. I’m sick of it, we all are. (Pause.) Oh, it was nice. A little golf. A little fishing. A little tennis. Laura and the kids are staying ‘til Sunday but I’ve got some business I need to tend to Saturday. OK then, thanks for your understanding. Yeah, I know… talk later.