This just in: Government shutdown is over!

Washington, D.C., November 30, 2013: A compromise has been reached between Democrat and Republican members of Congress in the contentious debate over the debt ceiling that, since October 1, has resulted in a shutdown of the Federal government.

In a joint press release, House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) announced that Congress has agreed to sell the following assets, the proceeds of which will be used to fund “programs the American people deem essential including Social Security, national defense and Congressional salaries.”

Washington Monument: Has been sold to Pfizer, maker of Viagra. “We were looking for the perfect product symbol,” said a Pfizer spokesman.“And this is it.” Pfizer is investigating the feasibility of adding a fireworks display in which a Roman candle will be shot from the top of the monument at 11 p.m. every night.

Hawaii: Has been purchased by The Walt Disney Company, which will be converting the five main islands into a giant Polynesian-themed amusement park that will be connected by flights operated by Delta Air Lines (see below).  

U.S. Air Force: Has been sold to Delta Air Lines, which will use former USAF jets to shuttle visitors between the five islands comprising Disney’s new Hawaiian theme park. All flights will require a change of planes in Atlanta.

Weir Farm National Historic Site, Wilton, Connecticut: Commemorating the life and work of impressionist painter J. Alden Weir, America’s smallest national park, which has had only seven visitors since 1998, has been sold to Toll Brothers which plans to build five-bedroom, seven-bath faux colonial houses that are popular among young Wilton families on the land it occupies. The Town of Wilton has announced plans to fight the sale, claiming additional houses will result in traffic on local roads that may endanger the lives of those who live nearby and that environmental impact studies are needed since a rare breed of insect “may have been” spotted in 1961 and nearby wetlands “might be” impacted.

U.S. Postal Service:  Has been sold to a consortium led by FedEx and UPS. The group has announced plans to eliminate delivery of everything but packages. “Anyone who doesn’t have e-mail has one month to set up a free account and learn how to use it,” the companies said.  

WWII Memorial: Has been sold to the governments of Japan and Germany, which plan to demolish the memorial and build the world’s largest automotive showroom showcasing Lexus and BMW products.

To symbolize how the debt ceiling agreement represents a compromise on the parts of both their political parties in which, “for the first time, we put the interests of America over party principles,” Boehner and Reid announced that both parties have agreed to sell their names and mascots and contribute the proceeds to the U.S. Treasury.

Republican Party name and elephant logo: Has been purchased by the Islamic Republic of Iran. “The GOP and Iran are a good fit,” noted Boehner, “Both hate women, are homophobic and believe religion should be integrated into government.”

Democrat Party name and donkey symbol: Has been sold to North Korea. “Both groups believe government should control all aspect of peoples’ lives and refer to our respective heads of state as dear leader,” said Reid.

President Obama was informed of the Congressional compromise while on the golf course at Andrews Air Force Base, which was not affected by the government shutdown. He told reporters he plans to sign the bill “at my earliest convenience provided the Air Force asset sale does not include either 747 designated as Air Force One because Michelle, the girls and I are planning Christmas in Hawaii and will need both of them.”