Politically correct team names

The U.S. Patent Office yesterday ruled that the name of Washington D.C.’s NFL franchise, the Redskins, is offensive to native Americans.

Good for them. 

Here are more team names I find offensive along with suggestions for new names that won't offend anyone's sensibilities.

Milwaukee Brewers

Milwaukee is known for beer but many folks – Mormons and Muslims for instance – are offended by alcohol. The team should be given a new name celebrating those who make drinks any American can consume without compromising his or her beliefs such as the Milwaukee Smoothie Makers or Milwaukee Water Bottlers.

Chicago White Sox

Whites have oppressed minorities since the day the Mayflower landed on Plymouth Rock and the name of this team is a painful reminder of that. A more inclusive name would be the Chicago Diversity Sox. 

Pittsburgh Pirates and Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Everyone who saw Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips will agree there’s nothing admirable about team names that celebrate criminals who terrorize the high seas. The Pirates could become the Pittsburgh Law-Abiding Citizens Who Support Freedom of Maritime Shipping Lanes. The Buccaneers could be renamed the Tampa Bay Americans for the Right to Ship Cargo Safely and Without Fear.

The San Diego Padres

This name excludes not only women but people who don’t speak Spanish. I suggest renaming it the San Diego Parents & Those Who Either Made A Conscious Decision Not To Become Parents Or Who, Through No Fault Of Their Own, Are Unable to Conceive or Adopt.

Kansas City Royals

Every American should be outraged by this name because the United States was founded specifically so we wouldn’t have to be ruled by royals. The Royals should be renamed the Kansas City Democracy or, if that is too close to “Democrat” to suit Republicans, the Kansas City Equalitarians.

New Orleans Saints

Roman Catholics believe in Saints but members of other religions, agnostics and atheists don’t. (To wit, I buried a statue of St. Joseph, the patron saint of real estate, upside-down in my front yard three months ago on the recommendation of Catholic friends who said doing that would help me sell my house but Joe ain’t done squat so far and I've even lowered the price.) The team ought to be renamed the New Orleans Members of All Religions As Well As People of Secular Persuasion Players.

Dallas Cowboys

The man who named this team (it had to be a “he”) is a sexist because he specifically excluded even the possibility a non-male could ever play for the franchise. Why not include all potential players and call the team the Dallas Cowboys/Cowgirls/Cowtransgenders?

Boston Celtics

Why would anyone whose people didn’t come over from the Emerald Isle or Scotland support a team that honors people who inhabit less than one-tenth of one percent of the planet? Why not call the team the Boston Hispanics? The Boston Africans? The Boston Arabs? There are more of all three of these groups than there are people of Celtic descent. Here's a better idea: Don't name the team after any ethnic group. Name it after all of us and call it the Boston Citizens of the World. Voila, an all-inclusive name we can all feel good about.