Another chat with Teddy

My wife and I spent Labor Day weekend in Washington, D.C. where I had the opportunity to sit down for a chat with our five-month-old grandson, Teddy.

Grandpa: Last time we saw each other, you had just come home from the hospital. Now you’ve got five months under your Huggies. What is the most important thing you have learned since we talked in late April?

Teddy: For starters, that the world revolves around me.

Grandpa: I beg your pardon?

Teddy: People fly in from all over the country to see me and bring me presents. If I want a snack at 3 a.m., all I have to do is say the word. On those rare occasions people start talking about something other than how adorable I am, I can make them stop in a second and turn their full attention back to me.

Grandpa: Uh, I don’t …

Teddy: Everyone – family, my parents’ friends, even strangers in the Safeway checkout line – says the same thing, “Isn’t he the most precious angel you ever saw?”  I am, of course, but it’s nice to hear it reaffirmed so often.

Grandpa: Teddy, I don’t know how to tell you this but …

Teddy: Seems like every day I’m learning new ways to consolidate my control over the people around me. Last week, for instance, a buddy at “Mommies Meet-Up” taught me how to get whatever I want even faster by rolling out my lower lip, making it quiver and, after a few seconds, squeezing tears out of the corners of my eyes without using vocals. He said, “It’s really important that you not cry. That way they'll think you’re too choked up.” He was right. 

Grandpa: You did it last night when you woke up in grandma’s arms, looked around and your mother wasn’t in the room. I have to admit, that was pretty darn impressive.

Teddy: Yeah, adults fall for that one hook, line and sinker. I heard you yourself say, “When he does that I’ll do anything he wants to make that lip go back in – rob a bank, steal a car, whatever.” I’ll take a blue Porsche 9-1-1 by the way. See if they have one in a shade that matches my eyes.

Grandpa: I didn’t mean I’d literally do that.

Teddy: You didn’t?

Grandpa: It’s a figure of speech.

Teddy: What’s that?

Grandpa: It’s too hard to explain. Teddy, you are the joy of my life …

Teddy: I know. And don’t think you’re the only one who has told me that.

Grandpa: But I’m concerned you have an inflated sense of self.

Teddy: You’d have one too if you were as cute as I am.

Grandpa: I'm worried about what will happen when you realize ...

Teddy: Name one thing about me that isn’t perfectly adorable.

Grandpa: Umm … umm …

Teddy: I knew it, you can’t.

Grandpa: You’re bald.

Teddy: I’m a baby. It’s acceptable to be bald. It makes me even cuter – the “old man trapped in a baby body” thing. 

Grandpa: I have to admit …

Teddy: Run out to the kitchen and get me a fresh bottle, will ya?

Grandpa: Whatever you say.

Teddy: I know.