Ask Madam Secretary

An FBI insider who participated in Saturday’s meeting with Hillary Clinton slipped me some startling information just minutes after today’s statement from the FBI director in which he announced he won’t be recommending the Justice Department indict her.

Turns out Mrs. Clinton insisted on maintaining her own server during her years as Secretary of State for a simple reason: she had a second job she didn’t want anyone in the administration to know about as, of all things, an advice columnist.  

Here are a few emails the FBI was able to recover that the insider shared exclusively with tomdryden.com.

To: AskMadamSecretary

From: HA

I'm beside myself. Just learned that A. texted yet another dick pic to some chick. I told him last time that if it happened again I was going to do something drastic. Knowing you have experience in handling horndog hubbies, what do you recommend I do?

To: HA

From: AskMadamSecretary

Run for an office. Trust me when I say the sympathy votes will put you over the top.

To: AskMadamSecetary

From: CCM

We are thinking of trying to get pregnant. What would you and dad prefer -- a boy or girl?

To: CCM

From: AskMadamSecretary

Girl. Females make up 51% of the population, which means the majority of people of voting age who are parents have daughters and/or granddaughters, so they’ll identify with our family. That two percent edge could mean the difference in '16.

To: AskMadamSecretary

From: AM

My name is Abdul. I am 8 years old and admire you very much. Would you please send me an autographed photo? Also, my father wants to know if you can introduce him to someone who can sell him some uranium. Can you?

To: AM

From: AskMadamSecetary

Of course, darling, I’m happy to accommodate your request. You'll find my autographed photo in the attached PDF file. As for your father, tell him to contact the Clinton Foundation. The routing number is 52626673 and the account number is 10058205702850206660. (Your dad will understand what I am talking about here.) Once he has established contact, the bank will let him know about a private phone number he can call.

To: AskMadamSecretary

From: DJT

The more I think about about it, the more I agree with you. It’s clear that the idiot Republicans won’t be able to field a single electable candidate in ‘16. Isn't it grueling to be on the campaign trail for months at a time?

To: DJT

From: AskMadamSecretary

Not if you have your own 757 and your expenses are being covered by my campaign. Though you will, as we discussed, lose in a landslide, just think how much value you can add to your brand name by running against me. Instead of being known just in America, your brand will become famous globally, which means you'll be selling more condos, vodka, golf memberships and neckties than ever!