Why the Osmonds are going to hell

I was driving my car down the highway a few days ago, listening to Seventies on Seven on XM radio, when the most excruciatingly obnoxious song of the previous century started playing.

Under normal circumstances I would have switched stations instantly but I couldn’t at that particular moment because I was driving Roo Roo, our new dachshund, to his weekly session with his trainer. (Turns out he has trust issues. Don’t we all?)

Of the seven dachshunds we’ve owned, Roo Roo is, hands-down, the worst passenger ever – worse even than Bonnie who, whenever it rained, lunged Cujo-like at the windshield wipers, simultaneously growling and crying with every swipe. One day we drove 500 miles in the rain and she didn’t let up, even for a second.

When I confine Roo Roo to his crate, he projectile vomits chunks of Purina Pro Plan Salmon & Rice formula all over the upholstery. To avoid having to clean and air out the car, I place him in the front passenger seat where he spends the entire drive struggling to cross the console and sit in my lap where, if he succeeded, he'd no doubt steer us directly into the path of an oncoming semi. So I have to hold the steering wheel with my left hand, and use my right to fend him off. But back to the song.

I was a sophomore in college when it was released and almost immediately soared to number one on the charts, where, according to Wikipedia,  it remained for five agonizing weeks. I remember a disc jockey on KTGR in Columbia, Mo., locked himself in the control room and played it nonstop for two hours. When he was finished, he announced he had played it the number of times he would be required to play it over the next week, befitting its number one position, so his listeners wouldn’t have to suffer through it again for seven more days.

This morning when I woke up this effing song was playing on the jukebox inside my head where it keeps repeating. And repeating. And repeating. I do believe I’m going mad.

The Osmond Brothers may be good Mormons but they’re going straight to hell for the agony they’ve inflicted on millions with this one song.

Click on the above video at your own peril because, once you do, you won't be able to get it out of your head either.