The other day I saw an article entitled “16 Best Gift Ideas for Grandpas” from the editors of Esquire. I clicked it on, knowing Esquire's gift recommendations would provide fodder for a blog post and, sure enough, they did.
Here are the 16 items the editors of Esquire recommended its readers give their grandpas this holiday season, and this grandpa’s response to those recommendations.
1. Bay-Berk Wooden Multi-Game set from Neiman-Marcus, $180, “for the grandpa with a competitive side.” The set contains a board and playing pieces for two games, chess and backgammon. I most definitely have a competitive side but I don’t play chess or backgammon and don’t know (or want to know) any grandpa who does.
2. Thin-Optics Keychain Reading Glasses, $24.95. Buying grandpa a pair of reading glasses without knowing the magnification he requires would be as idiotic as buying him a pair of slacks without knowing his waist or inseam.
3. Eagle Creek 2-in-1 Travel Pillow, $27.95 from r.e.i. “for the grandpa who could use some neck and lumbar support when he travels.” Of the 16 gifts suggested by Esquire, this is the only one I might actually use but if my grandson truly cared about my comfort when I’m flying long distances, he would buy me a first-class ticket that would get me a lie-flat seat with its own full-size pillow and duvet.
4. All Saints Leather Driving Gloves, $98 at Nordstrom, “for the grandpa with a seriously sweet car (or car collection) to drive around town.” If my grandson spent $98 buying me driving gloves, I’d put them on once: To slap some sense into him. Who the hell would be caught dead wearing driving gloves?
5. John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” “for the grandpa who knows soul-changing music when he hears it whether it’s in vinyl or CD form.” Do the editors of Esquire really think today's grandpas are so out of it that we listen to music on a record player or CD player? Do their grandpas watch TV in black and white? Do they run outside to their outhouses when they need to take a whiz? Do they light candles for illumination when the sun goes down? How patronizing. If you insist on giving grandpa music, give him an iTunes gift card so he can choose what he wants to listen to and download it himself.
6. Ekster Leather Minimal Wallet, $98, from huckberry.com “for the grandpa who needs a minimalist wallet … to replace that money clip.” I never used a money clip so I don’t need something to replace it.
7. Frankenstein Pique Polo Shirt by Travis Matthew, $89.95 at Nordstrom “for the grandpa with good style, whether on the golf course, at the club or around the house.” I don’t golf. I only go to our club when my wife drags me to some social event in which case I have to dress up, and around the house I wear gym shorts and a 1998 U.S. Open Tennis tournament t-shirt, so this grey polo shirt with white stripes isn’t for me.
8. The Vietnam War: A Film by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick, $50.75 “for the grandpa who is a history junkie and has time on his hands.” Millions of grandpas don’t need to watch a movie to learn about LBJ’s war. They were there and many are still having flashbacks. If the editors of Esquire think any grandpa who was young in the 1960s or early '70s will find this multi-volume movie set entertaining, they are seriously stupid.
9. Google Home Voice Activated Speaker, $99 at Nordstrom “ for the grandpa who likes to stay connected.” Of the nine items recommended for grandpa so far, this is the third from Nordstrom. How much is Nordstrom’s paying Esquire to pimp this stuff?
10. Promise Me Dad” by Joe Biden, $28 at amazon “for the grandpa who values family and service above all.” I’ve already read this book that details Bo Biden’s losing struggle with brain cancer and, as a father myself, felt Joe Biden’s pain and shared his sorrow. Unfortunately, Biden devoted about half of the book to promoting his own brilliance, clearly setting the stage for a run in 2020. I finished the book admiring Biden for the grace and strength with which he faced every parent’s ultimate nightmare, but convinced more than ever that as a politician, he’s a clueless, self-promoting dick.
11. UGC scuff Slipper, $79 from (surprise, surprise!) Nordstrom “for the grandpa who knows how to appreciate downtime around the house.” These slippers appear to be the standard slip-on variety one can buy at Walmart or Costco for $15 or less. Lined with wool, they’re going to start stinking after a month or so absorbing grandpa's foot sweat so grandpa will have to throw them away, just like he has thrown away every pair of slippers he has ever received for Christmas. If you are convinced grandpa will be impressed by expensive slippers, buy him a pair at Costco, put ‘em in a Nordstrom box and spend the extra $60 buying him something that won’t make him feel like you think he has one slippered foot in the grave.
12. Olympia Provisions Favorite Sausage Collection, $30, from food52 “for the grandpa who knows his way around quality butchered meats.” I never sausage a stupid gift idea -- three imported gourmet processed sausage sticks. However, if any of my midwestern readers know where I can buy Rice's, a pork sausage brand my father used to sell in his grocery store in the 1960s, you can give me a gift by letting me know where I can buy it. To this day I judge all sausages against Rice's and have yet to find any one-tenth as tasty. (A funny side story: My uncle, an army man, was stationed in Hawaii and he, too, loved Rice's sausage. Before he flew there, he had my dad freeze a long loaf of Rice's which he packed in his suitcase, assuming that, by the time he arrived, the sausage would be thawed out so he could fry it up. Unfortunately the airline lost his luggage. By the time it showed up days later, the sausage was rotten and he had to throw away everything in his suitcase. And now back to our regularly-scheduled blog post.)
13. Warby Parker-Keene prescription lenses, $95, from warbyparker.com “for the grandpa who wants to update his everyday look.” Why are Esquire’s editors obsessed with eyeglasses? Because they think glasses make them look smart? Any grandpa who reads their recommendations knows they aren’t. See #2.
14. A box set of two books, ’Sapiens’ and ‘Homo Deus” by Yuval Noah Harari, $95 at amazon “for the grandpa who has some thoughts about the existential crisis facing the human race.” There isn’t a grandpa in the U.S. — hell, the world — who wants this except, perhaps, Yual Noah Harare’s grandpa and I doubt that even he would read it though he would in all likelihood point it out to his friends and say “my grandson wrote it.”
15. Cutter & Buck NFL Team Sweater (with the logo of grandpa’s favorite team), $120 from … that big Seattle-based department store known for excellent customer service with branches in upscale malls in most big cities whose name, unlike the editors of Esquire, I am not being paid to promote, “for the grandpa who never misses his favorite team’s kickoff.” Like a growing number of grandpas, I don’t give a shit about NFL football since the owners of its teams allowed their overpaid players to “take a knee” following the example of Colin “Won’t Someone Please Hire Me?” Kaepernick. I hope the NFL goes belly-up and its players have to take jobs at Wendy's.
16. The Glenlivit 15-year-old Single Malt Scotch, $55, from The Reserve Bar, “for the grandpa who never said no to a good Scotch.” I’ve got news for you, Esquire. All those Scotch-swilling grandpas died off 30 years ago. Today’s grandpas prefer white goods — vodka, tequila or rum — or handcrafted small-batch American bourbons. Yes, Scotch is being rediscovered by Millennials but take it from this grandpa who, for 20 years, worked on wine and sprits advertising accounts: Boomers don’t drink Scotch.
However, if one of my grandsons were ever go to work for Esquire, I’d drink the whole bottle in one sitting.
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