Larry King used to write a weekly column in USA Today that consisted of bullet points, none having anything to do with each other. For example:
- Ran into Clint “Dirty Harry” Eastwood in the lobby of the Plaza last night.
- So, what about those Lakers?
- Nothing beats an ice-cold martini on a hot day.
I never understood how he could write such drivel. Until now.
For weeks I’ve been meaning to write a new post but have had neither a) the concentration to write two connected sentences much less an entire column, nor b) anything of import to say. It’s as if my brain has been consumed by the Corona virus or numbed by all the news which is becoming more disturbing by the day.
And so, like Larry King, I can only write bullets, for which I apologize in advance. My readers deserve something better. But, alas, I’m not capable of delivering it. Sorry.
- TV news reporters wearing face masks look like idiots and viewers have no idea what they are saying. Take your masks off.
- Speaking of facial coverings, I’m sick of masked people who cross the street to avoid me because I refuse to wear one when I walk the dogs. If you’re that afraid of the virus, stay at home. It’s 95 degrees here in Florida. You’re more likely to die of suffocation than from a virus you caught from me.
- Are my eyes playing tricks or are Nancy Pelosi’s eyebrows a quarter of an inch below her hairline? She looks permanently surprised, like someone just goosed her.
- Gotta love Wall Street. Let’s see, there’s a global pandemic ... the highest unemployment since the Great Depression ... nationwide protests ... and our cities are burning ... so what does the stock market do? It goes up, up, up, of course! Happy days are here again!
- Who’s more insane — Trump, Biden or people who would willingly vote for either of these loons if anyone else was running?
- I’ve received so many emails from cruise lines announcing “further reductions” that I finally bit the bullet and booked an around-the-world voyage. For $99.99 each, my wife and I are getting a suite with our own private butler, a $10,000 per cabin credit and free shore excursions. If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Seriously folks, I’m about as likely to book a cruise as I am to give birth to twins. Aren’t you?
- Lately I’ve been playing a lot of online Scrabble with friends from around the world. I can understand why Brits drive on the wrong side of the road — they’ve done it since feudal times — but why do they spell color “colour" and center “centre?” Drives me nuts. Does anyone know?
- Sad news about Hertz’ bankruptcy. Remember those, “Let Hertz put you in the driver’s seat” commercials when a nattily-dressed couple would be lowered by wires into the front seat of a rotoscoped Hertz convertible? Even as a kid, I always wondered WTF were they thinking wearing hats if they were driving a convertible? Wouldn’t their hats blow off? (You don’t remember those commercials? Click the youtube video at the top of this page.)
- Last night we made one of those unfortunately-named “dump cakes” that were so popular about the time we got married (in a double ceremony with our friends Fred and Wilma Flintstone). Dump cans of pineapple and cherry pie filling into a dish, sprinkle a box of cake mix over it, and top with a stick of butter. I’m telling you, it was De-lish with a capital D. Great for breakfast, too!
- How come it's called the “novel" Corona virus? It oughta be called the non-fiction Corona virus cuz folks, you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried.
You read it all, didn't you? Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Til next week. Or month. Or whenever I have some more thoughts to collect.
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