Like Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, I had a dream last night in which the future was revealed to me. Think things can’t possibly get worse? You ain’t seen nothing yet. Here are some of the upcoming headlines and stories the Ghost of the Rest of 2020 told me to pass along to my readers.
Category 8 hurricane splits Florida in two
August 29 — A Navy plane has spotted the southern half of the severed peninsula containing Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, Ft. Myers and Sarasota, approximately 20 miles off the coast of Cuba. Reporting from the White House, CNN’s Jim Acosta says that, because President Trump recently changed his official domicile from New York to Palm Beach, which is no longer a part of the United States, he is an illegitimate president and must resign.
Coronavirus vaccine withdrawn after trial
September 27— Placed by the Trump administration on a fast track for approval, the vaccine, which was administered to 5,000 volunteers earlier this week, was withdrawn after it was discovered that all 5,000 indicated they plan to vote for Trump and, when questioned, were unable to name a single Democratic candidate for any office. “We’d rather spend the rest of our lives in our basements than submit ourselves to a brain-washing vaccine that has obviously been developed by pharmaceutical companies trying to win favor with Trump,” CNN’s Chris Cuomo told CNN’s Chief Washington correspondent Jake Tapper.
CNN: Even Melania isn’t voting for Trump
October 14 —CNN last night reported 43 times between 7 pm and 8 pm that First Lady Melania Trump told one of the network’s interns she has no intention of voting for her husband in the upcoming election. CNN later withdrew the story after Mrs. Trump called the news desk to complain. Anchor Anderson Cooper said Mrs. Trump told him the story was a “big fat lie, just like that orange orangutang’s life has been.”
132 million mail-in ballots marked “Biden” received by Alabama Election Commission
October 19 — Joe Scarborough, co-host of CNN’s “Morning Joe,” insists that the ballots, which were delivered yesterday afternoon by the United States Postal Service, are most likely on the up and up. “The population of Sunbelt states like Alabama is growing at an unprecedented rate,” Scarborough told his co-host, Mika Brzezenski. “Alabama’s Election Commissioner should consider them legitimate until and unless proven otherwise."
Manhattan buried by volcano
October 21 — The 433 residents remaining in Manhattan who refused to flee due to the Coronavirus are assumed dead from the volcano, which emerged without warning from the ground beneath the Central Park Zoo, burying what was once America’s largest city beneath a mountain of bubbling lava. CNN reports that President Donald Trump laughed when told the news, saying "They weren't going to vote for me anyway" and "Now I can collect the insurance payout on Trump Tower."
Biden replaced after debate gaffe: “Who are you people and what country did you say this was again?”
October 23 — The Democratic National Committee, meeting in emergency session last night following the debate, named Hillary Clinton to replace Biden as the party’s candidate for president. CNN News President Jeff Zucker praised the committee’s selection of Mrs. Clinton whom, he said, actually won the 2016 election but "Trump and the Russians stole it from her."
Kanye wins presidency
Nov. 4 — The world was in shock this morning after a record voter turnout in the United States which saw incumbent Donald Trump win Alaska, challenger Hillary Clinton win California, and Kayne West sweep the rest of country’s electoral votes. West’s wife, Kim Kardashian, announced at the victory party that she is introducing a new line of lipsticks named after former first ladies, including Betty Ford Fuchsia and Michelle Obama Opalescence, which will be released in time for the inauguration.
Canada and Mexico station troops along borders to prevent Americans from claiming political asylum
Nov. 5 — CNN reports a line of cars containing panicked Americans bound for Mexico reportedly extends from Tijuana to Seattle. The line waiting to cross into Ontario from Detroit extends 725 miles all the way down I-75 to Atlanta.
Thanksgiving canceled after Coronavirus infects turkeys, pumpkins and potatoes
Nov. 22 — Anthony Fauci, former director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told CNN that Stovetop Stuffing and Heinz Gravy are the only staples of America’s national holiday deemed safe for human consumption. The Trump administration issued a press release insisting the food chain is safe, which was reported by all news media except CNN which, Trump told Fox News' Sean Hannity, is a “very, very bad company.”
Bleakest Christmas ever after Coronavirus claims lives of Santa, reindeer and elves
December 15 — Mrs. Karen Claus, in an exclusive interview with CNN, told the network that she is holding up well, despite the loss of her husband and his co-workers, whose deaths, she said, “are directly attributable to Donald Trump.”
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