The hearing test

Receptionist: Thank you for calling Hearing Aids Are Us, how can I help you?

T.D.: I’d like to schedule an appointment.

Receptionist: Are you a new patient?

T.D.: Yes. 

Receptionist: What’s your first name?

T.D.: Thomas.

Receptionist: And your last name?

T.D.: Dryden. That’s D-R-Y-D-E-N.

Receptionist: You said Bryban, right?

T.D.: No, not bry, dry. As in, “The desert is dry.” D as in Delta, R as in Roy and Y as in Yellow. 

Receptionist: OK, got it. Dryban.

T.D.: No! Not ban, den. A place where lions live. That’s D as in Delta, E as in Edward and N as in Nancy.

Receptionist: OK Mr. Den.  Got it. 

T.D.: No, no, no, my last name is Dry-den, D-R-Y-D-E-N. Ever heard of the Canadian hockey goalie Ken Dryden? 

Receptionist: No.

T.D.: How about the English poet, John Dryden?

Receptionist:  I’m not familiar with him either but I got it — Thomas D-R-Y-D-E-N. Let me check to see when I can get you in. 

T.D.: No rush, I haven’t been able to hear anything for years. I can wait.

Receptionist: There’s an appointment available July eighth at 1 at our Bonita office. Would that be convenient?

T.D.: Wow, yes. That’s fast service! Thank you.

Receptionist: OK, let me get some more information while I have you on the phone. What’s your date of birth?

T.D.: November 17, 1951.

Receptionist: September did you say?

T.D.: I said November. 

Receptionist:  You don’t have to raise your voice. 

T.D.: I’m sorry but this is frustrating. I'll admit I can’t hear squat  — that’s why I’m calling — but there’s nothing wrong with my speech. Do you wear the hearing aids your company sells? If so, maybe I should go elsewhere. 

Receptionist: No, my hearing is fine. What day and year did you say?

T.D.: November 17, 1951. 

Receptionist (talking to herself as she is typing into her computer): November seventh, nineteen fifty-one. 

T.D.:  Not the seventh, November seven-teenth! Is Alan Funt filming this conversation? Is this some sort of joke? If so, it’s a cruel one, making fun of deaf people.

Receptionist: Who’s Alan Funt?

T.D.: Never mind. 

Receptionist:  OK Thomas, we’ll see you tomorrow, July eighth at 1 pm. 

T.D.: Uh, wait a minute, I’m looking at my calendar and today’s the sixth. Tomorrow is the seventh, not the eighth. Is my appointment on Wednesday the seventh or Thursday the eighth?

Receptionist: The eighth. 

T.D.: Thanks for clarifying that. 

Receptionist: That’s what I just said. 

T.D.: Yes, but you said Wednesday and the eighth is Thursday. 

Receptionist: OK, we’ll see you in our Bonita office tomorrow July (unintelligible) at 1 pm. Thanks for calling.