A memo from the superintendent

 

To:  Faculty Members
From: John Doe, Superintendent of Schools

The school board has implemented the National Rifle Association's recommendation to station one armed police officer in each of our district's schools. Here is a new lesson plan to introduce your pupils to the concept. Feel free to make up additional examples at the appropriate grade level.

Elementary Reading

"Look," said Dick. "Look, look, look."
"Look at what?" asked Jane. "What, what, what?"
"The hallway where Officer Friendly is crying," said Dick. "It is red, red, red."
"Why", asked Jane. "Why, why why?"
"Because Officer Friendly shot Mrs. Jones who was bringing cupcakes to her son Johnny's class. He says the front office forget to tell him she was coming."
"Sad," said Jane. "Sad, sad, sad. I was hungry for cupcakes."


Junior High Social Studies

Which of these provisions of the original constitution has not been amended?

( ) It is OK to own slaves
( ) Women cannot vote
( ) It is the right of every American to own an AK-47


High School Math

Officer Friendly is at the end of a 300-foot hallway walking north at 4 mph. He is carrying a Bushmaster that fires 45 shots per minute with a muzzle velocity of 3200 feet per second. A bad guy is at the end of a 225-foot hallway that intersects Officer Friendly's hallway, walking west at 3.8 mph. He is carrying an assault rifle that fires 42 shots per minute with a muzzle velocity of 2900 feet per second. Who will die first?

( ) The bad guy
( ) Officer Friendly
( ) Unable to determine since either could be distracted by a student exiting a classroom to go to the restroom

In addition, since safety officers cannot be two places at once, all faculty members will be required to carry their own weapons to provide protection for their classes during:

- Recess on the playground
- Football, baseball, soccer, lacrosse or track and field practice
- Marching band practice
- Class excursions
- Fire drills

If you do not own a weapon, you can procure one at any Walmart.

Thank you for your understanding and have a good day.

Amazing Grace in an airport bar

I was in a restaurant at the Atlanta airport last night waiting for a delayed flight to LaGuardia. On the TV, CNN was showing photos of the children killed in Newtown as Judy Collins' Amazing Grace played. There were so many of them the network had to play all the verses.

People in the restaurant were transfixed. You could hear a pin drop.

When it was over, a waitress asked if I wanted a drink. I said yes. She asked for my ID. 

“You’re kidding, aren’t you?" I asked. 

“No,” she replied with a shrug, as she has undoubtedly done a thousand times in response to the same question. “It’s the law.”

Astonishing to think that some legislature passed an inane law that requires bars to card people who are obviously decades past the minimum legal drinking age, yet Congress can’t pass effective legislation that makes it harder for crazies to get their hands on assault weapons.

As an American, I refuse to believe Congress can’t enact such a law and that, once passed, it can’t be enforced. And I will not listen to anyone who says otherwise or who claims a law like that would abridge our rights. 

The president said it well Sunday night in Newtown. “We can’t tolerate this any more. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law  -- no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this. If there is even one step we can take to save another child, or another parent, or another town, from the grief that has visited Tucson, and Aurora, and Oak Creek, and Newtown, and communities from Columbine to Blacksburg before that -- then surely we have an obligation to try.”

We do. We must. And this time, if the tears coursing down the faces of a dozen strangers in that airport bar are any indication, we will.

"There are no more children"

Justin Lane/EPA

If you are a frequent flyer, it has probably happened to you at least once.

The plane lands, you disembark and head to the baggage claim area.

After a while, suitcases begin emerging from the chute and onto the circular conveyor belt. Your fellow travelers pull their suitcases off the belt, and head for the exits. But your bag doesn’t come.

In 15 minutes or so, the belt is empty. And it stops.

You go to the airline’s Lost Baggage office and are told there are no more bags from that flight. Yours didn’t make it.

The airline representative examines your claim check, and promises to deliver your bag when it arrives. You go on your way, annoyed, but fairly confident you’ll eventually be reunited with your luggage.

Yesterday in Newtown, hundreds of frantic parents waited outside Sandy Hook Elementary School for their children. One by one, mothers, fathers and children were reunited. The parents who remained in the parking lot were finally told, “There are no more children.”

Unimaginable. 

This morning, following the second-worst school massacre in American history, there are lots of editorials calling for stricter gun control laws.

But millions continue to pooh-pooh the thought. They offer up the same reason they gave after Columbine and Jonesboro and Aurora and Tucson and Virginia Tech, claiming gun control isn’t the solution because crazies will always find a way to get their hands on guns. 

Enough already. If there is a chance, however slim, that stricter gun control laws will prevent one more parent from ever having to be told, “There are no more children,” it’s time for Americans to look inside ourselves and do what needs to be done. 

The constitution, as originally written, says we have the right to bear arms. It also says slaves aren't people and women can't vote.  

It's been changed before. It can be changed again.