Saturday, December 22, 2012

A memo from the superintendent


To:  Faculty Members
From: John Doe, Superintendent of Schools

The school board has implemented the National Rifle Association's recommendation to station one armed police officer in each of our district's schools. Here is a new lesson plan to introduce your pupils to the concept. Feel free to make up additional examples at the appropriate grade level.

Elementary Reading

"Look," said Dick. "Look, look, look."
"Look at what?" asked Jane. "What, what, what?"
"The hallway where Officer Friendly is crying," said Dick. "It is red, red, red."
"Why", asked Jane. "Why, why why?"
"Because Officer Friendly shot Mrs. Jones who was bringing cupcakes to her son Johnny's class. He says the front office forget to tell him she was coming."
"Sad," said Jane. "Sad, sad, sad. I was hungry for cupcakes."

Junior High Social Studies

Which of these provisions of the original constitution has not been amended?

( ) It is OK to own slaves
( ) Women cannot vote
( ) It is the right of every American to own an AK-47

High School Math

Officer Friendly is at the end of a 300-foot hallway walking north at 4 mph. He is carrying a Bushmaster that fires 45 shots per minute with a muzzle velocity of 3200 feet per second. A bad guy is at the end of a 225-foot hallway that intersects Officer Friendly's hallway, walking west at 3.8 mph. He is carrying an assault rifle that fires 42 shots per minute with a muzzle velocity of 2900 feet per second. Who will die first?

( ) The bad guy
( ) Officer Friendly
( ) Unable to determine since either could be distracted by a student exiting a classroom to go to the restroom

In addition, since safety officers cannot be two places at once, all faculty members will be required to carry their own weapons to provide protection for their classes during:

- Recess on the playground
- Football, baseball, soccer, lacrosse or track and field practice
- Marching band practice
- Class excursions
- Fire drills

If you do not own a weapon, you can procure one at any Walmart.

Thank you for your understanding and have a good day.


  1. Thanks, Carol. Don't want to be perceived as making light of the tragedy, but something has to be done to make sure this doesn't happen again, and the NRA's proposal would only make things worse. They're not addressing the real problem.