Tuesday, September 30, 2014

10 things your dachshund won't tell you




By Bonnie and Billy Ray Dryden
"With nearly 25 years of combined experience 
under our collars, you can trust us to tell the truth."
  
1. You think we miss you when you’re gone. The truth will astound you.

You desperately want to think that someone, anyone, needs and misses you when you aren’t home. Sure, we yelp and wail as you’re walking out the door just to mess with your head but the moment you leave, we’re off to la-la land. When we’re awoken by the sound of the garage door opening, we start weeping loudly, like the dogs in the youtube videos when their masters return from overseas military duty. You assume we’ve been hysterical with grief the whole time.

The fact of the matter is, it’s nice when you leave so we don’t have to pretend we care about you 24/7.


2. How do we really feel about children? You may be surprised.

Labs, Golden Retrievers and Irish Setters are said to be “good” with children. So if you, for some inexplicable reason, genuinely like human children, by all means get one of those simple-minded breeds. We dachshunds despise children. We’ll generally leave them alone, keeping a wary distance, but if they reach down to pet us we won’t hesitate to bite. We know that, if push comes to shove, you’d get rid of the kids or grandkids before you’d get rid of us. We have that kind of hold over you.


3. Your home is our Poland.

Like another well-known German (OK, technically he was from Austria but this isn’t a history lesson) we get off on seizing territory that doesn't belong to us and making it our own. Your favorite easy chair? Ours. Your bed? Ours. Those rooms you want to keep us out of so you can have at least a few pieces of upholstered furniture that aren't covered with stains from our incessant paw licking? Ours. Every rug in the house is ours, too. So is the front passenger seat of your car. Ours ours ours.


4. We’re little Houdinis.

Every dachshund can open any door – including locked doors – any time we want. That means that you’ll have no privacy, even when using the toilet. (We like to watch.) How do we do it? That’s a trade secret but it has to do with applying gentle, steady pressure at the very bottom of the door, something our low stature makes it easy for us to do, which springs the latch, enabling us to waltz into rooms you want to keep us out of.


5. Cross us and you’ll regret it.

Forbid us to enter the dining room while you’re hosting a dinner party … remark to your spouse about how, just this once, you’d like to be able to roll over in bed without coming face to face with a dachshund … refer to one of us as a “wiener" (how’d you like to be called, say, a “Butterball?”) … go on vacation and check us into a boarding kennel instead of taking us with you … and you'd better watch your back. Or, more aptly, your feet. Specifically, what they step in.


6. We’re high maintenance.

Your annual vet bills will approximate the gross national product of a Central American country. We have extra salivary glands that generate twice the drool of ordinary dogs, so our teeth require cleaning at least twice as often. It’s a long stretch between our front and rear legs so our backs can and do go out on a regular basis; a substantial percentage of us will require disk surgery costing thousands. We hate having our nails trimmed. If you try to do it yourself, we will twist and turn and shriek with so much feigned pain that you’ll be afraid of injuring our backs, so you’ll take us to a groomer -- exactly what we wanted in the first place because we love car rides. We get bored lying around the house all day looking cute.


7. We’re one-person dogs. And that person isn’t you.

For purposes of discussion, let’s say there are two people in your household – Person A and Person B.

Let’s assume that Person A walks us, feeds us, gives us treats when we make ca-ca or peeps outside, cleans up after us, takes us to the vet and groomer and defends us vigorously when Person B complains about our breath and/or nonstop barking when she is trying to talk on the phone and/or unfriendliness toward strangers.

We will ignore Person A and lavish all our affection on Person B. Don’t ask why. It’s in our DNA.


8. Our favorite thing to eat is …

something we hesitate to mention by name in a family forum like tomdryden.com. But when your back is turned, we’ll happily pounce on a steaming pile of this delicacy the same way you pounce on a platter of chicken wings at a Super Bowl party. Then you pick us up and kiss us. If you only knew …


9. We think you’re an idiot.

You talk baby talk to us. You cook us beef and chicken (organic) whenever we seem bored with the expensive canned food you carefully mix with the kibble that’s supposedly formulated to strengthen dachshund backs you special-order from Denmark. There are no repercussions when we do things that disappoint you, such as eating your sofa. (We know of one Florida couple who tell friends they’ve had to buy one sofa for each of the six dachshunds that have owned them during their thirty-some years of marriage. Their friends think they are idiots and so do we.)

We sleep in your bed, live in your house, lounge on your furniture, get great medical care, etc. How much do we pay? Zip. Nada. You pick up the tab for everything then allow us to rule your lives. That’s as it should be. We’re smarter than you and don’t you forget it.


10. We’re addictive.

Once you live with a dachshund, you’ll never even consider another breed. Why?

Re-read the last sentence of point #9.

50 comments:

  1. The late, great Chico did not fit the mold. 1,2,6,10 apply.

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  2. yes, a lot of these are true but not all. Kind of negatively written. My doxie missed me so much while I was gone that she actually went a little gray on her temples. While they can be a touch demanding, they have A LOT more love to give than the writer gives them credit for

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    2. some of it might be true. but my Casey is very sweet and really misses me when i leave for awhile. yes, he has a certain spot on my lounge chair thats his. if one of the other dogs take his spot he comes and sits on them until they move away. he's not around kids so that doesnt apply. He's cool....

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  3. Its suppost to be funny,and it is!

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  4. Soooooooo funny!!!! Loved the one about ignoring person A who feeds and cares for them!

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  5. Very funny, and most of them were so true. Loved it.

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  6. Not funny. Condescending and not even close.to my experience w doxies. Makes me sad that someone would paint such an ugly picture of a loyal and fun loving breed.

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    1. You are kidding, right? Look at the photo of this guy's sweet frosty faced doxies. He is obviously a dachshund lover and wrote a HUMOROUS article about the breed. Why would that make you sad? Lighten up.

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    2. This was definitely written tongue in cheek and I love it. We have two of these marvelous creatures who are the most stubborn, endearing, drive me crazy, lovable old beasts ever. Lighten up folks and enjoy the ride with the best dogs ever.

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    3. Anonymous, Jim and Sadie, it must be taken tongue in cheek because mine taught the 14 y/o bassett to cry, howl, jump at the door etc. They do miss us and any one who is a guardian of a doxie knows that is the truth!

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  7. Wow! #7 is totally accurate for my THREE dachshunds.

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  8. funny!!! coming from a doxie LOVING girl!!! it's not offensive to me at all, it may not all be accurate, but it IS cute!

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  9. I truly hope this article was in jest. How can anyone read anyone's mind, much less that of a dog?

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    1. This was dictated to me by my dogs. I didn't try to "read" their minds.

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    2. HAHAHA! Well played, Mr. Dryden!

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  10. Some of you human folk need to lighten up! It is funny...and would apply to all 5 of the Doxies we have had. In fact, we installed a doggie cam because we wanted to see if our current 3 fought like they sometimes do when we are home....nope....they sleep all day...butt cheeks together. Heck we even have to call the house phone to make enough noise to wake them up. Even then just shift positions.. but we know they are still alive :)
    So from #1 down....all true... all funny!

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  11. Dylan Dog thinks he's a king. No bed is considered made until he's crawled under the comforters and messed up the stacked pillows. He is routine-oriented and expects (sometimes demands) his snacks. I'm Person A.... and you're right, Person B gets the glory. However, when I take him for a walk, he minds his manners (obedience school lol). Person B? When he takes him for a walk ---"Squirrel!" and there they go.

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  12. Come on Doxie owners, lighten up.

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  13. Very cute..many apply to my two..

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  14. #11 - Doxie's are telepathic and rule and influence us thusly. That alone explains why, after reading this funny yet true article, I am still determined to rescue a dachshund. Even after having other breeds and mutts who are more tractable and less trouble, I want a doxie because they are great dogs worth a little extra care.

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    1. On behalf of unwanted doxies everywhere (my two certainly don't qualify in that regard), thank you. My wife and I plan to rescue one, too -- soon as we move into a development that allows more than two dogs! Thanks for your comment. You not only "get" my sense of humor, you obviously "get" dachshunds and why they are so special to their owners.

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  15. Enjoyed it thoroughly...I love my two dachshunds like none other, but if I could read their minds they might say some of these things exactly like that:) Very entertaining, love the sense of dry humour!! Makes me love the breed even more x

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  16. Its right on the money for all except 1 and 7, regarding (1) my 2 little ones lay by the door/window on the couch sleeping til i come home. Same spot when I leave, i find them later on. I have even looked around on several occasions to see if anything has ever been moved in the house, toys, water, bedding etc. nothing ever is.Regarding (7), while i do everything for them, when B comes home they fawn over him, usually because he shares food and its immediate treats, but after treats and food end, they both are back laying somehow attached to me. But wow do they not like children, feel that they won and run the house, and I am a mere servant, are territorial especially of the house, and was grossed out saying how could you eat this, YUK!!!

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  17. My mixed breed doxies (chiweenies) are definitely in this group. Just add hyper for no apparent reason (Chihuahua side) and you've got them to a tee! But what can I say,they own me!

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  18. Haha, I like it! Great read.

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  19. It would be funny if it were true for me.. but it isn't. LOL. My doxie misses me. And lets me know it by punishing me with poo and peeps in my bedroom (just cleaned the carpets yesterday, again.) She does NOT like car rides. She shakes and whines the whole time. No matter where we go, she does NOT want to be in the car. I am person A and she loves person A over person B. She will lay with them but her heart is always with me. She does however, own everything in the house. EVERYTHING. And the more you tell her no the more she wants it. I can agree with that. But yeah this article wasn't funny because I don't know many doxies that chew up things... Gracie chews up her own toys but other than tissues she finds in the trash can, she doesn't chew my furniture, carpets, walls, nor does she open doors.... So yeah, I can see how some of the people in this thread of comments is kinda like uh, I don't know what kind of doxies you have had.................but I cannot relate to much of this at all.

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    1. Get your doxie a Thunder Shirt.......works great for anxiety, which is what her reaction to car rides is.

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    2. I am person A too, and she follows me everywhere all the time. Person B doesn't exist unless he's the only one home. This is a funny article but obviously not true for every doxie.

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  20. Hilarious!! No truer words ever written.

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  21. Carolyn and the Brat PackOctober 1, 2014 at 10:40 PM

    Very, very funny and oh, so true! I have 7 of the wee beasties; 5 are rescues. All have "issues" or quirks, as we like to say around here. One has had back surgery, all have had more dental care than we humans ever hope to have in our lifetime, and they are just about the most comical creatures on this planet. Ask me about The Great Muffin Caper of 2011! We choose to find their antics amusing...well, most of them anyway. Don't forget the Doxie Mind-Control stare, which becomes truly overwhelming when there are 7 of them zeroing in on one's brain!

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  22. Finny loves the grandsons because they run and play with him. I've never worried about him biting. He does like to grab your pant legs, however. It's a game.

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  23. Im 51 and have had daschunds in my life since i was 3 years old. I have had lots of other beeds and my share of mongrals. Out of the 7 doxies Iv had 3 of them have had ivvd. The first one wich was my first dog recoverd and lived to be almost 17. The second one recoverd from the injury but had to be euthanize when she developed cushings from the treatment. After that i said no more doxies. A year later my daughter ask for one for graduation. I was reluctant but i miss having one around. And what were the changes of it happening again. So she got her a long haired dapel. He was 5 when it happend. This time it was really bad. No deep pain and complete paralysis in his back legs. We took him to a neurosurgeon. The MRI showed sever spine damage. The doc said he would probably never regain use of his back legs and that surgery would only relieve his pain. So $3000. And two years later he's still paralized and he's the happiest ,rottenest, most tenacious of the 3 we now own. Yep we got two more of the little bastards. And there are two more in the family. All rescues. We cant live without one and you cant have just one. If u combine all thier personalities the list is dead on.

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    1. Thanks for your kind comments. All the best to the "happiest, rottenest and most tenacious dachshund" ever from his friends, Bonnie and Billy Ray.

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  24. I loved this!! I love my doxie Chester, hes my best friend. but I would love to know what he's thinking, probably about half of this ;) don't we all love our doxies, nothing like them.

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  25. This is SO TRUE, ALL OF IT!
    My doxie's gone now, she was 14 but this is just like her, her pups too. Like it says they're addictive, I want another.

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  26. These are GREAT and so very FUNNY! Of course they aren't all true. I enjoyed all of them very much. I have had dachshunds for 18 years. Had 6 for several years and it is so much fun. They are wonderful! I now have 4 dachshunds and recently 2 chihuahua's. Still a 6 pack. Loved the blog very much! I can tell your doxies have you very wrapped as well.

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  27. I thought this was very funny but didn't really apply to my 2. And really made me laugh one is butterball. That's exactly what she looked like when we got her. They never try to escape, won't even push a door open that is partially open much less if it's closed and they are OK with children. I don't worry about them biting. And my 2 love friends and family. They know my friends names and get very excited if I ask them if they want to see so and so. So some is very true while others are not but it totally made me laugh. I felt it wasn't supposed to be literal just fun! Thanx for writing it.

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  28. Tom, I love everything you write. Cracks me up as always. Andrea

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  29. OMG.......hit the nail on the head! Dachshund to a tee! I got my first at 3 and he lived until I was in college. I'd fallen for the breed after day 1 and have spent my adult life rescuing and raising these loveable, stubborn ass wieners. :) I wouldn't trade them for the world. Absolutely hysterical AND accurate....I loved it and have shared on all my doxie forums. Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. Thanks for rescuing... and for sharing the post!

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  30. Have 5 & all the observations fit each one sometimes. I installed a camera on their spare bedroom (crate) which tells you that they sleep in bed w/us always. But if I'm not home, can spy on them. They just sleep while I'm gone. There should be an 11. Doxies hate the rain & if they go out the doggy door to potty & it is wet, they will immediately come back in & use the potty pad. "Thou shalt not get the feet of a doxie wet"

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    1. I agree with you on #11. Bonnie has written a new blog post that will go up later this week in which she references her hatred of the rain. They hate snow even more -- we used to live in Connecticut and she wouldn't go out into it even when I physically picked her up and set her outside. Thanks for the comment!

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  31. OMGoodness, has this been met with some hostility or what? Yes, it is tongue in cheek humor, but let me assure every one of you that there isn't a single misrepresentation in this delightful article. Not one. The difference is that while all doxies do SOME of these pranks and punishments, none of them do ALL of them. How do I know? Easy. I've lived with about 800 of them. Yes, 800. Some of them wound up with me because of their behavior when someone who thought "wieners are so cute" went out and bought a puppy without doing any research whatsoever, then discovered that the qualities that make a good working dog, a hund, do not always make the best pet for everyone. Of course, us dachshund lovers don't understand why they don't just get rid of the carpet and buy new couches, and crotchless underwear is sexy right? At any given time, I can point to one who exemplifies every trait on this list, and I can add about 5 more. Why? Because I'm a dachshund rescue of course. So relax....YOLO....you only live once. Laugh and love your dachshunds. They don't like it when you are grouchy. :) <3

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  32. Thanks for the great defense, Linda! Actually, our dachshunds DO do all these things! Glad you enjoyed the post and thanks for taking the time to write!

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  33. I enjoy the post very much!
    I suspect my frenchie feels the same way :)) It's obvious he's not very interested in any of us, only the food!

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  34. There backs are very prone to injury. People should breed out the long backs. Once they slip a disc, paralysis is not far off, even wth back sugery. They have an appetite. They will eat until they bloat. Mine ate a pound of butter, and a box of Oreos. I came home to a balloon. She couldn't even walk. If you do get one, always pick up with both ends. They are great family dogs, but so delicate. All pedigrees are delicate. All big dogs are delicate, but long dogs are just an accident waiting to happen. I've owned so many pedigrees. I spend thousands on vet bills. Once I got mixes, there health differences are night, and day. We have overbred way too many dogs. The mixes are just as loving, or more so.

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