Lunch with Tom and Will

Hostess: Is this table okay?

Tom and Will:  It’s fine, thanks.

Tom (addressing Will): So, you’re looking fit. How come you’re wearing a suit? I thought you were coming from the golf course?

Will: Going to a funeral.

Tom: Who died?

Will: The president of our community association. He was trimming a palm by his pool and, kaboom, a massive heart attack – dead before he hit the ground.

Tom: Seems like you’re always going to funerals. Who was it last time we were supposed to have lunch and you had to cancel?

Will: My cousin in Boca.

Tom: Oh yeah, I remember.

Will: Third funeral this month. They’re dropping like flies I tell you.

Tom: What’s with all those bandages on your face?

Will: Had a dermatologist appointment this morning to have some growths removed. He’s almost sure they’re squamous. If that’s the case I’ll have to have Moh’s surgery to make sure they got it all.

Tom: Yikes. Are you fully recovered after your … what was that procedure you were about to have last time I saw you?  

Will: Which one? I had three – an MRI, a CAT scan and a cystoscopy.

Tom: Uh, the last one. What’s that about?

Will: They shove a camera up your dick and take pictures of your bladder.

Tom: Holy shit!  How big is the camera?

Will: I dunno. I was knocked out. Didn’t see it.

Tom: I’ve never heard of such a thing. It’s making me nauseous to even  …

Will: I peed blood for two days after.

Tom: I’m sorry I asked. Let’s change the …

Will: The urologist says everything looks fine.

Tom: Well that’s good.

Will: Next week I’m having a prostate biopsy.

Tom: Jeez.

Will: They take 12 pieces of tissue all at once.

Tom: Why are you having that?

Will: My PSA’s borderline high. Do you know yours?

Tom: Yes. It's fine. So, how’s Marilyn?

Will: I’m taking her to the hospital tomorrow first thing for surgery.

Tom: What’s wrong?

Will: Nothing life-threatening. They’re repairing her rotator cuff. She tore it playing tennis.

Tom: This isn’t your month, is it?

Will: We oughta order, the funeral’s at 1:30. What are you going to have?

Tom: Same thing I always get, the grouper sandwich.

Will: Uh, I don't think there's anything I can eat on this menu.

Tom: What do you mean? We 've eaten here a dozen times. The grouper sandwich is good. Tell them to grill it, that’s healthy.

Will: My doctor told me not to eat fish. He ran a blood test. It showed I have toxic levels of mercury in my system. He says it's because we eat too much fish. 

Tom: Well, they make a great burger.

Will: My cholesterol’s too high. It’s off the charts even with the statins I take.

Tom: Here you go: "Two scoops of cottage cheese surrounded by seasonal fruit." Surely you can eat that.

Will: Nope. Just found out I’m lactose-intolerant.

Tom: Well, the rolls here are good. You can eat some of those while I eat my sandwich.

Will:  Do you know if they have any that are gluten-free?

Tom: I wouldn't know. How are those nice neighbors we met at your house last month? We really hit it off with them. We oughta all go out together some night.

Will: Andy and Jane?

Tom: Yeah.

Will: He’s dead.

Tom: What? He couldn’t have been much over — I'd have to guess — 55 at the most. He looked healthy.

Will: Didn’t wake up one morning. She’s not handling it well.

Tom: Well I’m sorry to hear that, we really liked them. And how are the grandkids?

Will: They have that virus that’s going around up north. Our daughter had to take the younger one to the E.R and it’s a good thing she did.

Tom: Why?

Will: They discovered he’s anemic.

Tom: Waitress? Can we order?  My friend here has to take off in a half hour.

Waitress: Certainly. What can I get for you?

Tom: A Maker’s Mark on the rocks.

Will: I thought you were going to have the grouper?

Tom: I've lost my appetite.

Will: You might want to see a doctor. My cousin in Boca lost his about a month before he ... you know.