Here in southwest Florida where, according to the latest census, fully half the population is eligible for AARP membership, local TV stations rake in big bucks running commercials from pharmaceutical companies -- commercials that urge viewers to ask their doctors about the sponsors' products so the companies and the doctors they pay off to recommend those products can rake in mega profits from you, the taxpayer, in the form of Medicare reimbursements.
Viewers are bombarded by commercials for drugs that treat low bone density, diabetes, insomnia, erectile dysfunction, toenail fungus, psoriasis, dry eyes, dry vaginas, depression, memory loss, bi-polarity, overactive bladders, thin eyelashes, low estrogen, enlarged prostates, rosacea, high cholesterol, irritable bowel syndrome, high blood pressure, COPD, macular degeneration, low testosterone and circadian rhythm disorders of the blind, among other maladies. I keep meaning to ask my doctor if any or all of them are right for me but then I forget. I probably need one of the memory loss drugs.
Many of the spots feature celebrity spokespeople, such as
actress Blythe Danner, who hawks Prolia to strengthen bones, or golfer Phil
Mickelson for Enbrel, an arthritis treatment. Big pharma wants viewers to
believe the celebrities are sharing information out of the goodness of their
hearts because they want others to benefit from the drugs that have helped them
deal with whatever disease they may be suffering from.
What the spokespeople don’t reveal is how much they are
being paid. All the millions they’re collecting would make anyone, even someone
at death’s door, feel like a teenager again. For that kind of money, these
celebrities could afford body transplants and get rid of whatever afflicts them
once and for all.
What annoys me most about these commercials isn’t the
celebrity spokespeople or being reminded I live among oldsters who probably
take more drugs in one day than Janis Joplin and Jimmy Hendrix ingested during their
lifetimes. It’s the side effects the FDA requires the drug makers to disclose. A
celeb never talks about anything unpleasant that may result from taking the
drugs he or she is promoting. That task is left to an unseen announcer who cheerfully rattles off a list of side effects that would scare the shit out
of anyone in their right mind as the camera follows the celebrity going about his or her
upscale celebrity life.
A typical commercial goes something like this.
Celebrity, speaking earnestly to camera:
“Hi, I’m (imagine your
favorite 40 or older celebrity). For years I suffered from (disease or
condition), but not any more. Now I take (drug name). Just one (pill/shot/patch) and I’m
good to go for up to (a time period ranging from 12 hours to six months).”
Cut to quick shots of celebrity reading to children, playing croquet,
dining with friends of all races, accepting a trophy and walking on a beach
with a Golden Retriever as the announcer reveals side effects:
“May cause
uncontrollable, barely controllable or somewhat controllable diarrhea, gonorrhea,
constipation, passive-aggressive behavior, depression, possession, and drooling. Do not take (drug name) with macaroni, minestrone, pepperoni, rigatoni,
communion wine or fruitcake as doing so may cause you to experience painful
intercourse or vote Republican. Anyone over 50 should consult their doctor
before taking (drug name) which has been known to cause side effects including
sudden death, slow insidious death, ear hair, nose hair, teeth hair, psychosis,
cirrhosis, fibrosis, trichinosis and halitosis. If you are pregnant or nursing don’t
take (drug name) because it’s for a condition that only afflicts people who remember Lindbergh's landing in Paris but the FDA requires us to say
this.”
Celebrity on knees in garden, holding a plant:
"I may still have
(disease or condition) but now I control it, it doesn’t control me. I’m so glad
I asked my doctor about (drug name). You should ask your doctor, too.”
Celebrity turns away from the camera and sticks the plant in a hole as
drug logo and packaging supers over.
No comments:
Post a Comment