Siri holds a grudge

Let’s have a show of hands here. How many of you own iPhones?

OK, how many of you own iPhones equipped with Siri, which Apple describes as “the intelligent personal assistant that helps you get things done just by asking?”

Most people who own late model iPhones swear by Siri. They say that carrying a Siri-equipped iPhone is like having a genie who considers your every wish to be her command. 

I, on the other hand, swear at Siri. We loathe each other.

Siri came into my life in November, 2011, when I purchased my third iPhone, a 4S. I was intrigued by commercials that showed celebrities asking Siri to find restaurants that deliver tomato soup or to route them through Manhattan traffic. Siri handled those requests effortlessly.

But I, alas, am no celebrity. Siri treated me like pond scum. I quickly learned that whenever I asked Siri to perform simple tasks -- to find the nearest Arby’s or the phone number of a local business -- she either said she didn't understand, or responded with inappropriate answers. Maddening. It’s not like I don’t know how to phrase questions. I was on Jeopardy! for Chrissakes.

I asked friends who own Siri-equipped iPhones for advice and they were incredulous. All said Siri never let them down. One speaks English with a heavy Polish accent and every time he asked Siri to do something in my presence, she understood and snapped to it. But she rarely understood me. 

A few weeks ago I was stuck in traffic en route to a doctor’s appointment. I wanted to let the doctor know I was going to be late so I asked Siri to find his office phone number. Seemed like a reasonable, easy request, but I asked six times and kept getting crazy answers. Finally, I exploded and called her a dirty name. That, of course, she understood perfectly. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Thomas,” Siri replied coldly.

Since then, she has pretty much refused to cooperate whenever I ask her assistance, claiming she can't understand me. As if she ever did.  

I probably shouldn’t have called her that name but you’d think the stupid (expletive deleted) would have gotten over it by now.