The most assine commercial ever

I was watching TV last night, when I saw a commercial for Quilted Northern Toilet Tissue. This morning I visited the brand’s web site to view it again. For those of you who haven't seen the spot, here's the script:

Group of women are standing on a map of the U.S. as a voiceover intones ...
(Voiceover): We went around the country asking women to speak frankly about something nobody wants to talk about.

Cut to woman # 1
(Woman # 1, firmly) It's time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.

Cut to woman # 2    
(Woman # 2): Stop all the cutesy stuff.

Cut to woman # 3
(Woman # 3): And start talking about what you really want from your
toilet paper.

Cut to woman #4
(Woman # 4): It's time to talk about clean.

Cut to woman #5, who looks like Ann Romney
(Woman # 5): Feeling clean is so important.

Cut to product close-up. Super "When Wet" in small type in lower left corner of screen as announcer says ...
(Voiceover): Quilted Northern Soft & Strong is stronger than the leading ripple brand to help protect against breakthrough.

Cut to woman # 6                  
(Woman # 6): For myself, for my family, it keeps us clean.

Cut to woman # 7     
(Woman # 7): I use Quilted Northern.

Cut to product shot
(Voiceover): Quilted Northern Soft & Strong. Protection for a confident clean. Or your money back.


The commercial is so profoundly disturbing in so many ways that I hardly know where to begin. So let me address my concerns, in order.

We went around the country asking women … :  Why only women? Don’t men use TP, too? Of course we do, unless we’re out in the wild doing manly things like hunting and camping in which case we grab whatever’s handy. As a Boy Scout, I once used a poison oak leaf. But that’s a topic for another day. My point is, limiting participation to women is blatantly sexist. I urge all men to boycott Quilted Northern.

It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom: If so, why not show someone sitting on the toilet reading People magazine instead of women standing around on a giant map? 

It’s time to talk about what you really want from your toilet paper: It’s time to talk about the fact that President Obama, who promised he wouldn’t raise taxes on the middle class, just raised the average family’s tax bill $1,600 a year. It’s time to talk about the fact that 72 percent of high school students have no clue which countries America fought during WW II. It’s time to talk about many things. What you want from your TP isn’t one of them.

Feeling clean is so important:  If you feel that strongly, join the Peace Corps and volunteer for Haiti, Somalia or India where children have to bathe in sewage rather than interrupt me while I’m eating a Little Debbie Chocolate Snack Pie to talk about the cleanliness of your … you know.

Help(s) protect against breakthrough when wet:  If Quilted Northern only prevents breakthrough better than the leading ripple brand when it’s wet, is the manufacturer saying we should dunk it in water before we wipe with it?  Where are we supposed to get that water?  If we're sitting on the toilet, we can’t very well get up and run to the sink to wet the tissue. Are we supposed to bring a pan of water to the toilet with us for this purpose?  The only practical way I can imagine wetting the Northern to make it stronger is to dunk it in the toilet bowl, which is hardly sanitary.

For myself, for my family, it keeps us clean: How does she know for sure it keeps her family clean? Does she ask them? “Honey, did your toilet paper get every scintilla of that gunk out of your _ _ _?"  Does she insist on doing a visual inspection every time family members emerge from the bathroom?  Does she judge by the skid marks (or lack thereof) on their underwear when sorting laundry? However she determines it, we don't want to know.

Protection for a confident clean. Or your money back: If I find that Quilted Northern doesn’t make me feel confidently clean, how do I go about getting my money back? Do I take unused rolls back to the store and tell the customer service people, “I don’t feel confidently clean?” If so, do they require proof? Do I contact the manufacturer? Don't leave us guessing. Tell us. 

Better yet, come up with a new commercial. I understand Charmin's Mr. Whipple is retired but I bet he could be coaxed out if Quilted Northern offered him a shitload of money.