I personally approve this lying slanderous message

Most Americans won’t have to endure this sort of despicable slander and mud-slinging until closer to the November election but here in southwest Florida we’re already knee-deep in the muck otherwise known as political advertising. That’s because we’re in the midst of a campaign leading up a primary to choose candidates for a general election in May to replace our Congressman, who resigned after a cocaine bust.

There are four Republicans in the race. Three of them – Lizbeth Benacquisto, Curt Clawson and Dr. Paige Kreegel – are running nonstop commercials. I haven’t bothered to see how many Democrats are vying to be their party’s candidate because it doesn’t matter. The winner of the Republican primary will take the general election. Southwest Floridians would elect Kim Kardashian if she were running as a Republican.

Never have I seen commercials so full of obvious lies, distortions, overpromises and character assassinations. One can’t help but wonder how much money and/or power these folks have been promised they will enjoy when they get to Washington because nobody with an iota of integrity would compromise themselves like this for anything but money and/or power.

A Super PAC called the Liberty & Leadership Fund (which conveniently has the same address as the PAC that supports the Florida Republican Party's hand-picked candidate, Benacquisto) is running a commercial claiming that Clawson, when he was the CEO of a company, refused to allow workers to call the fire department following an explosion in one of his factories, which resulted in the death of an employee. In short, the PAC is implying Clawson is a murderer.

Clawson is running a spot saying he did what he could – he prayed (an obvious attempt to pander to the religious right) and met with the man’s survivors. 

Benacquisto, in a spot that contains footage of Clawson picking his teeth, claims Clawson hired lobbyists to land bailouts for his company then used the funds to line his own pockets. She promises that, when elected, she will stop the corporate bailouts. (There haven’t been any bailouts for years but the claim no doubt tested well in focus groups.) In another spot she promises to protect our borders, repeal Obamacare and balance the budget. (If she can accomplish all this she could undoubtedly single-handedly defeat the Taliban, stop poverty and cure PMS, too. Funny to think someone this powerful has been hiding up in Tallahassee posing as a mild-mannered state legislator.)

Dr. Paige Kreegel, under the auspices of a PAC called “Values are Vital,” is running spots claiming Benacquisto is a closet Democrat who supports Obamacare and has raised taxes more than 150 percent, and that Clawson bankrupted his company and donates money (undoubtedly stolen from taxpayers) to Liberals. Kreegel claims he is the only true conservative who believes in freedom and liberty (which, last time I checked Webster's, mean the same thing).

Since the race is clearly predicated on overpromises and/or character assassinations, I have taken the liberty of creating a simple template their respective campaign managers can use to create future commercials for these scumbags candidates. 

( Choose one from each grouping below)

( ) Lizbeth Benacquisto

( ) Curt Clawson

( ) Dr. Paige Kreegel

( ) has a secret cure for cancer but will only reveal it if elected

( ) sets orphans on fire then throws them off the Calosahatchee River bridge for fun

( ) loves liberty

( ) had sex with President Obama on top of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

and

( ) will personally stop any hurricanes headed this way.

( ) is the love-child of Nancy Pelosi and Kim Jong Il.

( ) believes in freedom for every American.

( ) wants to take away your right to shoot anyone who sets foot on your property.

( ) Lizbeth Benacquisto

( ) Curt Clawson

( ) Dr. Paige Kreegel

( ) believes in families.

( ) spent billions in government bailout funds on drugs.

( ) couldn’t change a light bulb unless Harry Reid was holding the ladder.

( ) stands for independence.

The Ft. Myers News-Press calls

( ) Lizbeth Benacquisto

( ) Curt Clawson

( ) Dr. Paige Kreegel

( ) a dedicated public servant

( ) a Fascist insect who preys upon the people

( ) the obvious choice
( ) the best Christian since Jesus

while the Naples Daily News says

( ) Lizbeth Benacquisto is

( ) Curt Clawson is

( ) Dr. Paige Kreegel is

( ) the only human in the race – the others are space aliens posing as earthlings.

( ) the true conservative who believes in America.

( ) delusional.

( ) a murderer.

I’m

( ) Lizbeth Benacquisto

( ) Curt Clawson

( ) Dr. Paige Kreegel

and I

( ) know the voters of southwest Florida are gullible enough to fall for this message because focus groups don't lie.
( ) can't wait to get to Washington because I love the change of seasons!
( ) am a lying meglomaniac who will say anything to get elected.
( ) personally approve this message.