America's favorite dachshund endorses Hillary

Today's commentary was written by Bonnie,
America's Favorite Dachshund, whose opinions
may not necessarily reflect the opinions of
tomdryden.com's editorial board.

November’s presidential election will almost certainly be my last. I’m turning 15 next month. I’ve already outlived most dachshunds.

I want to be sure the candidate I endorse in what will most likely be the last election of my lifetime, is the one who will do the best job for this country that has given me so much, including Cesar’s Canine Cuisine Rotisserie Chicken Flavor with Bacon & Cheese in Hearty Sauce. 

I have come to the conclusion that Hillary Rodham Clinton is that candidate. My reasons are simple: Mrs. Clinton and I have a great deal in common. 

Arkansas roots

Though she is an Illinois native, Mrs. Clinton first came into the national spotlight as the First Lady of Arkansas during her husband's five terms as that state's governor. 

I also have Arkansas roots, having been born in a Blytheville puppy mill that shipped me to a pet store in Connecticut whose owner, after forcing me to live in a cage for four months, put me on sale.

We’ve both lived in the White House

One day a man walked into the puppy store, saw that I was on sale, and asked to take me to a back room to, as I overheard him tell the clerk, “play with me” and “see if she is affectionate.” I was absolutely terrified. But, I was also desperate to get the hell out of that God-awful store, so I pretended to be playful and cute. Twenty minutes later I was in a car headed to my new home, which turned out to be a white house atop a hill.

Mrs. Clinton also resided in a white house but hers was in Washington on a flat and somewhat larger parcel of land.

We are both products of elite New England schools

Mrs. Clinton attended Wellesley, where she was president of her class, followed by Yale Law School.

Like her husband, I attended Georgetown, but not the one in D.C.  where he completed his undergraduate studies which, as anyone with a grasp of basic geography knows, isn’t is New England. My alma mater is the Georgetown Obedience School in Georgetown, Connecticut, from which I graduated at the top of my class. (Granted, I didn’t have much competition. My classmates included a pair of beagles, a poodle, a Labrador Retriever and a mongrel with the body of a Great Pyrenees and the brain of a Chihuahua). I’m certain I would have been chosen class president had elections been held.

We both lie

Mrs. Clinton is famous, even among her most ardent supporters, for her ability to stretch the truth when she thinks it is to her advantage to do so.  For example, “Chelsea and I had to dodge sniper fire when our plane landed in Bosnia" and “I turned $500 into $500,000 trading cattle futures on my own” when, in fact, a friend trying to court influence with her husband made 30 of the 32 trades.

I am not a liar to the extent she is but I will admit to being a lier. At my age I sleep 23 hours a day. So, in the mornings, I lie my left side. Afternoons I switch to the right. Evenings I lie in the fetal position on the sofa between the humans as they watch TV.

We both support Planned Parenthood

Mrs. Clinton is a staunch defender of abortion rights.

I support a less drastic method of birth control -- neutering. I firmly believe that not only females but males should be neutered. It is her misfortune that Mrs. Clinton didn’t have her husband neutered years before the Lewinsky scandal that tarnished his legacy.

We take what doesn't belong to us 

On Bill Clinton's final day as president, as he was busy signing pardons for his political cronies, Mrs. Clinton took government property including furniture and gifts given to the White House that didn't belong to her or the president. Following an investigation, the Clintons' ultimately repaid the government $134,000 for the items they took.

Every morning I steal my dachshund brother Billy Ray’s food by standing at the sliding glass door and barking, pretending I see something outside. Idiot that he is, Billy abandons his doggy dish, and runs to the window barking and growling at … nothing. As he is lunging at non-existent enemies, I circle back around the kitchen island and steal his food.

We blame others for our mistakes

Mrs. Clinton and her minions spun a story blaming the deaths of Americans during the Benghazi attacks on Libyan insurgents’ reactions to a youtube video that desecrated Mohammad when, in fact, they died because the State Department, which she was running at the time, ignored pleas for help.

I once took a dump under the buffet table while my parents were having a party then ran out of the room, leaving Billy, who was asleep under the table, to take the blame when the mess was discovered and people started fleeing not only the room but the house. I could have come forward and taken responsibility. But I didn’t.

In conclusion

I believe in my heart of hearts that Hillary Rodham Clinton is the only rational choice any American can possibly make for president this year. And if you’ll be honest and examine your heart, you’ll come to the same conclusion. Despite her many flaws, America will be better off being ruled by my fellow bitch than by a Marxist hippie, an inarticulate bleached blond billionaire, or a whack job who has zilch support from his fellow Republicans who consider him to be a total asshole even I wouldn’t lick.

For all these reasons,  I offer Hillary Rodham Clinton my endorsement, and my fellow Americans, my prayers. God help you. And me, if I’m still here come January 20, 2017.