Voting drunk

Florida's winner-take-all presidential primary is Tuesday but the polls have been open for the last 10 days for early voting. I cast my ballot on Wednesday. And I was drunk.

Not drunk as in “I don’t remember who I voted for” but I was feeling no pain, as I would have most assuredly felt had I voted for that asshole candidate sober. Truth be told I’m not much of a drinker. One drink and I become chatty. Two and I’m high. Three and I throw up.

I never drink at lunch – swear to God  – but I’d made an exception that day because we were with old friends we hadn’t seen for years and were having a great time. I hadn’t eaten anything before we sat down so the alcohol from the two drinks I downed roared through my system like a freight train.

Up to then, I wasn’t even sure that I could bring myself to vote because I was so disgusted with the choices my party had served up, but the alcohol gave me liquid courage so I did it. I didn’t cast my vote because I believe in the candidate for whom I marked my ballot; I most emphatically don’t. I voted against that person's opponent(s).*

If your state's primary is coming up and, like most Americans, you find yourself disgusted with the choices but feel you really ought to vote, take it from me: Two Absolut Ruby Red Grapefruit Vodkas with tonic and a slice of orange on the rocks may be just what you need in order to be able to hold your nose and pull the lever, mark the ballot or whatever it is you do in your state. Or, if you live in Colorado or Washington where cannabis sales are legal, you can always smoke a doobie.

Be advised you will most likely feel worthless for the rest of the day. But look at it this way: So are the candidates from whom you’ll have to choose.

* As America’s Only Objective Journalist ®, I’m not revealing who I voted for. If I said “opponent” you’d know I voted for a Democrat because only two are still in the race. If I said “opponents” you’d know I voted for a Republican because there are still four in the race. So I said opponent(s). Read into it what you will.