Diner conversation

Time: 6:30 pm Sunday.

Location: The booth opposite ours in a fifties-themed diner. 

Cast of characters: A forty-something waitress, a sixty-ish woman and a much older man whose walker is parked next to the booth.

* * *

Waitress: Are you ready to order?  

Woman: I am but my father here needs a little more time.

Waitress: No rush, I’ll be back in a minute.

Woman (to father, who is thumbing through a multi-page menu): 

Dad, it’s a diner, you can get just about anything you want. Meat loaf, chicken, fish, a nice steak, a burger, you can even have breakfast. Would you like some scrambled eggs and bacon? Or some pancakes?

Old man (flipping through the menu): This menu’s too damn big.  

Woman: They even have liver and onions, your favorite. 

Old man: I don't want it.

Woman: Well, what sounds good?

Old man: Nothing. I’m not hungry. Why did you bring me here when I’m not hungry?

Woman: I thought you might enjoy getting out, eating something different, spending some time together.

Old man: Well I’m not enjoying it. You order for me.

Waitress: Have you decided?

Woman: I’ll have the grilled grouper.

Waitress: What kind of dressing on your salad?

Woman: Balsamic vinaigrette.  

Waitress (to man): And you, sir?

Old man (indicating his daughter): Ask her.

Woman (to her father): Well, dad, if you aren’t hungry, how about a bowl of soup? (To waitress:) What kind of soup do you have?

Waitress: Tonight’s special is tomato rice. We also have chicken noodle.

Old man: Bring me the chicken noodle but I don’t want any noodles in it.

Waitress: No problem. I’ll ladle it up myself then I'll go through it and remove the noodles.

(Twenty minutes later)

Waitress: Is everything OK?

Woman: Yes, thank you.

Waitress (to old man): And how’s your chicken noodle soup? 

Old man: There aren’t any noodles in it.

Woman (to man, gently): Dad, you said you didn’t want the noodles. This nice lady went through your soup and took them all out.

Man: Why would I say that?

Woman: I don’t know.

Man: Well, you heard me wrong. What kind of restaurant serves chicken noodle soup and leaves out the noodles?

Woman: I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.

Man: I don’t get it. You’re selling chicken noodle soup with no noodles.

Woman (to waitress, sounding exhausted): Actually, yes he is.

Waitress (sympathetically): That’s okay, I understand.

Man: I’ve had chicken noodle soup on every goddamn continent and I’ve never once been served chicken noodle soup without noodles.

Woman (to waitress): I’m so sorry.

Waitress: No problem, I’ll be back with your check in a minute.

Man: You don’t expect me to pay for this soup do you?

Waitress: No sir, there will be no charge. I’m sorry you didn’t like it.

Man: Well, it wasn't half bad. Except there weren't any noodles in it.