Meet your new Speaker of the House: Me.

As I write, the House of Representatives is getting ready to take a seventh vote to determine who will replace the Honorable Nancy Pelosi (D, California) as Speaker.

The media is reporting that Kevin McCarthy, who expected to be elected but has come up short six times, met overnight with the fellow Republicans whose votes he needs to put him over the top and his supporters claim they are confident he will prevail this time. As a contingency plan, in the event McCarthy loses on his seventh try, I have been approached by members of both parties to have my name placed in nomination for the position on the next ballot — the Speaker doesn’t have to be an elected member of Congress — and after much thoughtful deliberation and prayer, I have consented. If my country needs me, I'm willing to serve. Here’s why I'm perfect for the job.

1. I’ve been both a Democrat and a Republican. Multiple times. Right now I consider myself an Independent — both parties make me want to hurl. I understand what Congresspeople from both sides of the aisle want most: To leave the Capitol richer than the day they were sworn in for the first time.

2. I support the Democrats on some social issues, e.g. I’m against racism. I support the Republicans on others, e.g. prohibiting women who formerly were equipped with peni (if I remember my Latin correctly, I’m almost sure that’s the way to pluralize the word) from competing in women’s sports and earning all the trophies and scholarships. We need to keep open minds when it comes to empowering people but use common sense.  

3. I grew up in a tiny extremely conservative town in America's heartland. I spent most of my adult life in Manhattan and its suburbs, the epicenters of liberalism. I know how to get along with people from all walks of life and, more importantly, how to get them to work together. By the time I leave office, Marjorie Taylor Green and Adam Schiff will be BFFs. 

4. Having no party affiliation, I’ll be free to allow bills that actually benefit the majority of Americans into committee and on to the floor for a final vote. What a concept. 

5. Because I won't be campaigning for myself or my fellow party members, I promise to be a one-term Speaker, after which I’ll write a book, land a deal from Netflix, give highly paid speeches to both liberal and conservative groups, and start my own lobbying firm. These are rewards I’ll deserve after living for two years in Washington, D.C., a town so mired in useless laws that I was asked for my I.D. when I ordered a drink in a restaurant last week. The waiter explained local law requires him to ask everyone.

Please call your Congressperson — this very minute, there's no time to waste — and tell him, her or them to vote for Thomas (Tom) Dryden on the eighth ballot. 

Thank you, and God bless America. And, of course, me. And you.