How to secede without really trying

The flag of the Kingdom of Callaway, which seceded from the United States 150 years ago. Observe the Confederate stars and bars and the nifty crown at the center.



Since the election, according to news reports, residents of seven states have collected enough signatures on petitions indicating they want their states to secede, that the Obama administration has to, by law, take them under consideration.

That’s nothing new to residents of my home county which, legend has it, seceded from America 150 years ago.

I’m a native of Callaway County, Missouri, almost smack dab in the center of a state that was admitted to the Union in 1821 as a slave state.

Like most of the central and southern parts of Missouri, Callaway was settled by Scotch-Irish farmers from Virginia, North Carolina and Kentucky. Many of those original settlers brought slaves with them. To this day, native Callawegians  -- including this one when he’s had a couple of drinks -- speak with a distinct twang that evokes the Appalachian Mountains over which our ancestors traveled.

Callaway, in 1861, was one of four counties comprising Missouri’s tobacco belt. Tobacco required intensive labor. Though it was lightly populated, Callaway had more slaves per capita than almost any county in Missouri.

When the Civil War began and other slave states seceded, Abe Lincoln sent Federal troops to force Missouri to remain in the Union.

That didn’t sit well with the residents of Callaway County – the white ones that is. And here’s where the details become sketchy.

Legend has it the men of Callaway got together and decided their county would secede from Missouri, but wouldn’t join the Confederacy. Instead, it would become a new nation, conceived in slavery and dedicated to the proposition that rich tobacco farmers should remain that way.

The new country wasn’t to have a president. It was to be ruled by – I'm not making this up – a king, who would reign over his realm from a new capital, Kingdom City. The citizens of Callaway would send troops to help their Confederate brothers but, seeing the writing on the wall, didn’t intend to link their fate to the South's. The former Callaway County, Mo., would henceforth be known – and still is today – as the Kingdom of Callaway.

Even after the war was over, the Kingdom for years refused to be governed by outside forces and continued to assert its sovereignty though, eventually, residents threw in the towel. 

Papers have never been found to document any of this silliness, but every Callawegian knows the story. If, indeed, a king was chosen, his identity remains a secret. I like to think he was one of my ancestors and that I might be ruling today as King Thomas I -- though I would have certainly freed the slaves. Realistically, however, the kingship would have gone to my older brother and I would be a mere prince.

Located at the junction of Interstate 70 and U.S. 54, Kingdom City today consists of three truck stops, four motels, a McDonald’s, a Denny’s, a carpet outlet, a candy store called Ozarkland, a retro clothing store called Nostalgiaville USA, and, last time I was there, a remarkably good BBQ joint/biker bar whose back wall is festooned with brassieres. 

A couple of those bras are large enough to be used as parachutes in the event Callaway ever again decides to secede and its paratroopers have to jump behind enemy lines.