A tale for our times, inspired by Lassie's old-time radio show

My wife and I always borrow from the library a book on CD for the 1,320 mile, 22-hour trek up or down I-95 between Florida and Connecticut, which we make several times a year. We just finished a drive today.

This time we didn’t borrow a book. We borrowed a 30-CD compilation entitled The 60 Greatest Old Time Radio Shows That Transitioned to TV -- shows like Father Knows Best, Jack Benny, Gunsmoke, Perry Mason, Our Miss Brooks and Dr. Kildaire. The series was narrated by Walter Cronkite.

It was fascinating to hear the radio versions of shows we grew up watching on TV which, in many cases, featured the same theme songs and same actors/actresses. Some of the actors who created the characters on radio didn’t make the transition to the boob tube for obvious reasons. Short, rotund actor William Conrad was the radio voice of Gunsmoke’s Matt Dillon. Lanky, square-jawed James Arness portrayed him on TV.

One of the old radio shows was an episode of Lassie, recorded in the 1940s. We listened to the entire 30-minute program and kept expecting an appearance by the Lassie we remembered – the one who later starred on TV and was so brilliant she probably, in her off-hours, solved algebra problems for fun and read Ulysses in Greek. But she never appeared as that Lassie.

At the end of the show we learned that radio Lassie had portrayed a mutt named Jumper, a role that required her to do nothing more than bark on cue. 

Here’s the plot of that particular episode, starring Lassie as Jumper.

A large, vicious cat has been seen all over town, and has wreaked havoc at a local warehouse whose owner has told the Humane Society warden he’ll pay a $25 reward to anyone who can catch her. The next day a poor boy, Freddie, and his beloved dog, Jumper, run across the cat, which is perched atop a baby carriage parked in a yard. The cat is about to attack the baby inside the carriage, whose mother is nowhere to be seen. Freddie tells Jumper to chase the cat away to protect the baby. Jumper does but, in the process, the carriage is knocked over and the cat escapes. The baby’s mother runs out of the house, snatches up the screaming infant, accuses Jumper of being dangerous and aggressive, and calls the Humane Society to take him away.

Freddie goes to the Humane Society and tells the warden what happened. The warden recognizes he is telling the truth but informs Freddie he can’t get his dog back unless he pays a $2 license fee which, of course, the boy doesn’t have. If Freddie doesn’t pay the fee within five days, Jumper will be given away. Freddie begs and pleads but the warden won’t budge. So, Freddie takes a series of odd jobs, including chopping wood, to earn the $2. When he shows up at the Humane Society he is a dime short, but the tender-hearted warden lends him ten cents.

The next day Freddie and Jumper again encounter the cat which, this time, isn’t just perched atop the carriage in the yard. He’s inside it, ravaging the baby whose mother, once again, is nowhere around. Freddie throws his coat over the cat, trapping it … pulls the cat off the baby … the mother rushes out and picks up the infant …  and Freddie informs her that he and Jumper saved her baby’s life. This time she knows he is being truthful.

The Humane Society comes and picks up the cat. Freddie earns the $25 reward, but gives the warden a dime of it because, honest boy that he is, he wants to pay back the 10 cents the warden lent him to save Jumper.

Here’s how the script would be written today.

Freddie and his dog, Jumper, encounter the cat atop a baby carriage. Freddie tells Jumper to chase the cat away while he calls 9-1-1 to report he found an unattended baby. When the police arrive, they take Jumper away for a) not being on a leash and b) being unlicensed. Social Services arrives to take away the baby from his/her mother who stupidly left him/her unattended in her yard.  The baby, in foster care, is forced to endure a series of painful shots on the off chance the cat, which might be rabid, drooled on him/her.

Freddie goes to the Humane Society to beg for Jumper. The warden informs him he needs a license for his dog and that, under any circumstances, Jumper is quarantined because he didn’t have his shots and, even if he weren’t rabid before, might be now that he has skirmished with the cat.

Freddie goes from door to door, begging for odd jobs to raise the two dollars needed to free Jumper from the pound (assuming, of course, he doesn’t turn rabid), but nobody will hire him because they don’t want to be accused of violating child labor laws and/or hiring non-union workers. Because Freddie can’t raise the money, Jumper is euthanized.  

Freddie’s little heart broken but, upon reflection, he comes to realize that all of this government regulation of his life is a good thing.

He grows up to become an ardent Democrat and goes on to attain a senior position within the Justice Department of the Obama administration which he holds until he reaches mandatory retirement age.

And that’s the way it is.