Additional Supreme Court rulings on provisions found buried deep within the Affordable Care Act

WASHINGTON, June 28 -- The Supreme Court today ruled that the Affordable Care Act passed by Congress in 2010 is constitutional, provided the mandate to purchase insurance is characterized as a "tax" rather than a "prize not unlike what one finds in a Cracker Jack box," which had been written into the bill by its Democratic authors in an attempt to help President Obama fulfill a campaign promise not to raise taxes. Democratic lawmakers were jubilant. Republicans expressed dismay.


Shortly before the bill was passed, (then) House Speaker Nancy Pelosi admitted that, "We have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it," leading observers to conclude that Congress had not read the bill before voting on it. 

The Supreme Court, whose clerks were apparently the first government employees to read the entire bill that was passed and signed into law by the president, also announced the following decisions regarding some of the provisions that were discovered hidden within the Act:

Provision 44D --Any adult female who desires breast enlargement surgery is entitled to such surgery free of charge, provided she stops by Room 439-A of the Capitol to show them off after the scars have healed: Upheld.

Provision 966-3, subparagraph B: The following experts are appointed czars in charge of administering specific aspects of this bill: Dr. Ruth Westheimer, reproductive health; Dr. Oz, nutrition/fitness; Dr Phil, psychiatry; the cast of Grey's Anatomy, all other medical issues: Denied.


Provision 7625, section X: Insurance companies shall be required to pay in full the costs for Crest White Strips and that acne medicine Jessica Simpson is spokeswoman for -- the name escapes me but you see signs for it in malls and it apparently really works because there isn't a zit on her face: Denied. 


Provision 8722: Members of Congress and the Supreme Court shall receive the same healthcare coverage -- no more, no less -- as the general population whose welfare is provided for under this act: Denied.

Provision 8907, section XXI, paragraph 12: John Boehner is a dick: Upheld.


"We have done everything we can," Chief Justice John Roberts told tomdryden.com, adding that he is looking forward to a fun summer at his family's vacation home. "I'm gonna eat and drink and sleep 'till noon and try not to think about work. Summer, here I come!"