Washington, June 16, 2012 In what he described as a move to stimulate the nation's lagging economy and Republicans derided as a cynical ploy to woo one of the few minorities to whom he has not already pandered in an attempt to buy the upcoming election, President Obama today announced that every American member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints age 18 and over will receive a new Corvette, to be delivered no later than November 6, election day.
"Unlike rich Mormons like Mitt Romney who stashes his money in Swiss bank accounts, most Mormons are honest, hard-working men and women who share my dream of an economically just America," Obama announced at a campaign event outside the LDS Temple in Salt Lake City. "Giving them Corvettes is a way to reward them for their support of our nation's values while providing thousands of jobs for American auto workers."
GOP leaders were quick to point out that, following Obama's announced support of same-sex marriage in May which, polls show, all but guarantees him the vote of GLBT community, and his "amnesty for illegal aliens" pronouncement on Friday, which immediately boosted his odds of winning the Hispanic vote, Obama is running out of minorities whose votes he may be able to buy.
Romney, his GOP opponent in the upcoming election, who, until today's announcement, was widely predicted to win the majority of votes from his fellow Mormons, expressed dismay. "President Obama has had four years to court gays, Hispanics and Mormons. The only reason he's doing so now is that he sees it's going to be a tight race."
Speaking to reporters accompanying the president back from Utah on Air Force One, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the President remains open to further stimulus measures if the nation's economy doesn't improve. "All options are on the table," Carney said, adding that, if the unemployment rate isn't below eight percent by September 30, non-Mormon white straight males who, polls show, overwhelmingly indicate they plan to vote for Romney, should prepare themselves for a "pleasant October surprise."
So funny!
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