I just returned from a solo 2,700-mile round trip drive from Wilton, Conn., to Columbia, Mo. It was a productive drive because, during it, I figured out how to eliminate the Federal budget deficit. Here goes:
Tax McDonald's Drive Thru users: I'm addicted to Dunkin' Donuts coffee, but it's hard to find a DD west of New York. McDonald's serves up an acceptable alternative so, every few hours, I'd stop for a cuppa and to stretch my legs. Invariably, there would be a long line of cars (usually sagging on the driver's side) waiting in the drive-thru lane. I counted one line containing 14 cars. I'd impose a super-size tax on drivers who are too lazy to get out of their cars and waddle into the store to order their QP Cheese and fries.
Annoyance Tax on "Burn in Hell" billboards. They're everywhere -- billboards announcing you'll be a Krispy Kritter if you don't accept Christ as your personal savior A warm, compassionate message like that is enough to make any non-Christian know he made the right decision. If I were in charge, the loons who put 'em up would pay a $100,000 tax per billboard.
"Wooly Bully" surtax. I must have heard it two dozen times on XM Satellite Radio's "60s on 6" channel. Matty told Hattie to impose a $100,000 tax on XM every time they play it.
Tax Walmart trucks: Seems like every other semi is a Walmart truck, speeding plastic shit you don't need from warehouse to store. Each truck represents at least 50 small town merchants driven out of business, the loss of hundreds of American manufacturing jobs, the destruction of ten town squares. Walmart trucks represent everything wrong with a country that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Make 'em pull off at special inspection stations, and pay a $1 tax for every plastic item from China they're carrying.
Stupidity tax on "Busses Welcome" signs. I saw dozens of signs for truck stops, restaurants, casinos and other tourist sites that announced, "Busses Welcome." It's "Buses," you idiots. If you're going to spend thousands on a sign, hire a sign painter who can spell or be prepared to pay up.
Fine car manufacturers for vague computer messages: I was driving along I-80 in Pennsylvania in the middle of a downpour, listening to Wooly Bully, when an ominous message flashed on my car's computer screen: MAINTENANCE TIRES. I knew it didn't mean a tire was low, that's an altogether different message. So I pulled into the breakdown lane and jumped out to check the tires. They looked fine. I got out the owner's manual. No reference at all to that message. I called the car's manufacturer. After being connected to several representatives, none of whom had any idea what the message meant, I was advised to call my dealer on Monday (it was late Saturday). I called anyway, hoping the service department would be open. It wasn't. The general manager, however, was able to tell me the message means, "Rotate Tires." Why didn't they say that in the first place? Tax 'em $1,000 per incident.
Presto, budget deficit solved.
On my next trip I will be concentrating on solving the Middle East crisis. Anyone want to come along for the ride?
Amen and busses to you!
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