I’m an ad man. My job is to draw your attention to a product or service using the right combination of words and pictures that make you want to buy, and buy now.
So I know you’ll forgive me for the headline (above) and the visual (below), the purpose of which is to entice you into reading about one final lot of valuable one-of-a-kind items that will be offered at the Sale of the Century, the "Estate Sale" during which most of the contents of our Connecticut house will be sold before we move to Florida next week. It starts at 10 a.m. sharp Friday and continues through 5 p.m. Sunday.
I’m not being totally deceptive here because the first item up for your consideration is ….
A genuine Nixon/Agnew sign: My wife, when we met thirty odd (and trust me, they have been odd) years ago on a blind date in Jefferson City, Mo., was in charge of PR for the Missouri Republican Party. She was (to the best of my knowledge) the first Republican I had ever met. I thought she was exotic.
She took this sign with her when she left the job shortly after Nixon’s resignation and ever since it has lined the drawer of a chest we’re also selling. This important piece of American history can be yours for just $10, and I’ll throw in a paperback book of propaganda written by some GOP operative entitled (hilariously, considering the fate that befell him) “The Convictions of Spiro T. Agnew."
(The dachshund in the picture is our beloved Bonnie. If you offered me a million dollars for a single hair from her frosty head I wouldn’t take it.)
Li'l Abner Tray: One of our children, years ago, appeared in a Wilton Children’s Theater production of Li'l Abner. This being a community in which children receive trophies for getting out of bed in the morning, child actors selected for the cast of Wilton Children’s Theater are feted like Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep at the Academy Awards. Following their performances they receive flowers, trophies and gifts that included, apparently, this. The ladies running our Estate Sale have marked it at $10 but I’ll take $5. Or $2.50. OK, I’ll take $1 but don’t embarrass yourself by offering anything less.
“MCMLXXXIX, A Year to Remember” Highball Glasses: In case you’ve forgotten your Roman numerals, it stands for “1989.” We don’t remember why we have them, what happened that year or who gave them to us. But if 1989 was a great year for you, cheers – you can acquire this set of six for a mere $19.89. (They may be good crystal but we can't remember.)
Bow-Lingual: These devices that supposedly “translate” your dog’s barks and tell you what he is trying to say were the rage seven or eight years ago. I received this particular one for Christmas and we were enjoying it enormously until it revealed that Billy Ray, our other dachshund, was saying, “I’m embarrassed to live with gullible idiots like you.” It went back in the box and has stayed there ever since. $5.
Li'l Abner Tray: One of our children, years ago, appeared in a Wilton Children’s Theater production of Li'l Abner. This being a community in which children receive trophies for getting out of bed in the morning, child actors selected for the cast of Wilton Children’s Theater are feted like Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep at the Academy Awards. Following their performances they receive flowers, trophies and gifts that included, apparently, this. The ladies running our Estate Sale have marked it at $10 but I’ll take $5. Or $2.50. OK, I’ll take $1 but don’t embarrass yourself by offering anything less.
“MCMLXXXIX, A Year to Remember” Highball Glasses: In case you’ve forgotten your Roman numerals, it stands for “1989.” We don’t remember why we have them, what happened that year or who gave them to us. But if 1989 was a great year for you, cheers – you can acquire this set of six for a mere $19.89. (They may be good crystal but we can't remember.)
Rare gemstones: March 4, 1980 is a day that will live in infamy in the Dryden house – the day our first dachshund, Quincy, underwent surgery to remove kidney stones. Since they cost as much to remove as diamonds cost to extract from mines, the vet thoughtfully placed them in a jewel box. You can purchase the .75 carat stone for $100, the half-carat stone for $50, or both for $125, and take them to a jeweler who will make you a lovely ring, pendant or brooch. C’mon folks, these were spawned by a Dryden dachshund. Once I write my book about living with dachshunds, which will make "Marley & Me" look like a minor blip on The New York Times Best Seller list, they’ll be worth a mint.
See you bright and early Friday. Visa, MasterCard and cash accepted.
No comments:
Post a Comment