The sale of the century

I am sure you’re sick and tired of reading about our upcoming move from Connecticut, where we’re closing down the house in which we’ve lived since 1991, to Florida. But bear with me here.

We’ve hired two women to run an “estate sale” next weekend in which most of our Connecticut possessions will be sold. 

Here are some gems a few lucky early-bird bargain-hunters will find. (Shoot me an email and I’ll see if I can arrange to sneak you in so you can beat the crowds.)

Dachshund lamp: This 12" (excluding shade) porcelain hot dog, unlike the real wiener dogs we have had over the years, doesn’t lick maniacally, never spite-pees on your good rugs to punish you for going to the mailbox and not taking him, and is blessedly silent when the garbage truck arrives or the doorbell rings, plus he casts a lovely light. Authentic right down to his cute little weenie. Just $12.99.

Hanukah cookie cutters:  Four classic shapes – chai, dreidel, menorah and a star of David -- still in the original packaging. The sticker on the back says they were purchased for $5 but knowing that if you’re interested in these, you never, ever, pay retail, they can be yours for the bargain-basement price of just $2. (OK, $1.50 but don’t tell anyone.)

Boy’s white suit, size 5: This is your opportunity to acquire the white linen suit your favorite blogger wore as a five-year-old ring bearer at his brother’s wedding in August, 1957. There are grass stains on the jacket because I got into a fistfight with the flower girl and we rolled all over the yard until she finally beat the shit out of me, which accounts for the brown stain on the trousers. I’m sure you can Shout them out. $5.

Come Walk with Me: Speaking of nuptials, my wife’s grandmother, a lovely, gracious lady, presented us on our wedding day with this oil painting she commissioned from an artist who entitled it, “Come Walk with Me.” It has moved with us from St. Louis to Chicago to New York to Connecticut and the only place it was ever displayed was in the basement stairwell. Unlike us, it’s not going to spend its dotage in Florida. Yours for just $9.99.

"Front Row at the White House" by Helen Thomas:  I was a voracious reader of books by journalists until I finally concluded they’re all biased scumbags at which point I switched to true crime books. Our "Sale of the Century" will include autobiographies by such noted reporters as Walter Cronkite, Lesley Stahl, Tom Brokaw, Martin Fletcher, Bob Woodruff, Andrea Mitchell, Mike Wallace, Babwa Walters, Geraldo Rivera and, last but not least, Helen Thomas, who covered the White House for more than 200 years and recounts the difficulties she faced growing up as a child with a nose the size of Saskatchewan. Yours for $1.

Dachshund pencil holder: Hard-carved and purchased for the equivalent of $1 on Chiloe, an island off the Patagonian coast of Chile. A smart accessory for any executive desk. Holds four pens or pencils. $2.

Moroccan Cookbook: In the early '80s I was hired by Royal Air Maroc to write a tourist guide to Morocco. It didn’t matter to my client that I had never been there. The folks at the airline gave me books to familiarize myself with their home country. For the "cuisine" section they gave me a cookbook that includes the following dish that'll make you the talk of the town when you serve it at your next dinner party.

Steamed Sheep’s Head

Allow one sheep’s head for two people. Buy the sheep’s head divided in two and ask the butcher to chop off the horns. Take out the brains, and shake the heads hard to make sure any maggots that might be tucked away inside the ears and mouth fall out. Brush with a stiff brush and steam for three hours. Take them off the heat and remove any wool. Put back to steam for half an hour and serve piping hot with Kerouiya Harira.

This and many other mouth-watering recipes can be yours for a mere $1.

Windshield ice scraper: Won't be needing it. Ten cents.

Mention you read tomdryden.com and you’ll save an extra 10 percent off any of the above prices.

See you there!