Held hostage by technology

We moved into a new house last month. 

OK, it’s not new but it’s new to us. It was built in 1993 which, in this part of Florida where new homes are being slapped up on every square inch of buildable land, would qualify it for inclusion on the National Registry of Historic Places. But it’s as good as new. The previous owner, a German engineer, maintained the house like Air Force One. The roof is new. So are all the appliances, which are designed for use by people with PhDs in engineering and/or computer science and/or who were born after the first Bush administration.

Take the master thermostat. It supposedly controls the temperature and humidity. I say “supposedly” because the only way it would actually control them is if I could figure out how the hell to program it. It insists I tell it how hot/cold/humid I want the house to be when I wake up, leave for work (I’m home all day but that isn’t an option), return home and go to bed every single day of the week. (Hmm, on Mondays I like to drift off to dreamland at 73 degrees with 65 percent humidity. Tuesdays I prefer 317 degrees with 100 percent humidity. How stupid.)  These features ostensibly save energy and money, but having the ability to turn the damn thermostat on and off when I want would save even more, not to mention save money I have to spend on blood pressure medication when mine soars due to frustration. Here’s an idea for you, Honeywell. How about a thermostat with three settings – Cool, Heat and Off, and a dial I can turn to the temperature I want?

The washer and dryer sing ditties when their doors are opened. (If I wanted to listen to music, I’d turn on the radio.) The washer’s computer decides what type of fabrics have been loaded, how dirty they are and for how long and at what temperature the clothes need to be washed. Once the cycle starts, it locks the door so I can’t throw in socks I found under the bed. The dryer also analyzes the fabric type then determines the temperature and time needed to dry the clothes. Screw you, Maytag. How about a washer that washes clothes in my choice of hot, medium or cold water for the number of minutes I want and that lets me open and close the doors mid-cycle, along with a dryer that lets me decide how long I want the clothes to dry? I believe you last made what I’m describing sometime in the 1970s. Do you have any of those in a warehouse somewhere? I’ll trade you.

The refrigerator’s computer announces, when I use the water dispenser, how many ounces it is pouring into the glass. There is a button that tells me what percentage of the water filter’s life is remaining along with a keypad I’m supposed to use to enter what types of groceries are being placed in various compartments so it will know the precise temperature at which they should be kept. Kiss my ass, KitchenAid. I want a fridge/freezer with two settings – one for the fridge temp, one for the freezer temp. I don’t care how many ounces of water I’m putting in a glass, and don't want expensive water filters that need changing regularly. 

The dishwasher’s computer has more options than Baskin Robbins – steam, power wash, scrub, regular, pre-rinse, rinse, post-rinse, pots, pans, crystal, normal, super normal, abnormal, paranormal, etc. It runs so quietly it can’t be heard yet takes two hours to wash the dishes during which it flashes a laser beam as a warning not to open the door mid-cycle lest one be par-boiled by the steam cycle. Bite me, Bosch. How about a dishwasher that washes the dishes quickly? If you really want to provide useful technology, how about a dishwasher that sucks dirty dishes out of the sink, loads them into the proper slots, washes them, then puts the clean dishes away?

The security system is more complicated than anything they could possibly have at the Louvre. I have a code. My wife has a code. The dachshunds have codes and they can’t even reach the keypads. There is a code to enter if we are being held at gunpoint (as if I can tell my captor, “Excuse me, you'll have to untie me from this chair because I need to get up to enter a code that will let someone at a monitoring station in India know you’re holding me hostage”). There’s probably a code to enter if someone is using a bow and arrow instead of a gun. How about an alarm that has “off” and “on” buttons and that summons help if someone breaks in or if one of these sophisticated appliances shorts out and catches fire?

All of this technology is supposed to make life easier but it doesn’t.  These computer-controlled devices are toys just waiting to break at which point I’ll have to shell out money to repair features I never wanted, needed or understood in the first place.

Digital technology has resulted in better TVs, telephones and many other electronic devices but there is no point of putting it into things that performed just fine without it. Many of the appliances and household gizmos we use every day were easier to operate 40 years ago and worked just as well if not better than the ones they make today.

Don’t you agree?