To: President Obama
From: John Kerry, Secretary of State
Yesterday was a kick-ass day in the history of American
diplomacy – the day I brought James Taylor to Paris to sing “You’ve Got a
Friend" as a means of showing the people of France how much we love and support them after that terrorist attack. Rolling Stone called it “Brilliant.”
Billboard says it demonstrated “out of the box thinking.”
Anyway, it gave me a great
idea. You know how Republicans are always bitching about the budget? Well,
here’s a way to save billions. Let’s shutter our embassies worldwide ... fire the employees ... and, while we’re at it, convert the State Department building
in D.C. to condos. All we really need
to do when we want to communicate with other countries is send an
e-song! I’m not kidding. You can send a song as a gift on iTunes for $1.29, which is certainly
cheaper than maintaining an embassy and staff. What a Wonderful World It Would Be (LOL) if EVERY country would
follow our lead and take up musical diplomacy!!!!
Here’s a list of songs I had my assistant compile for special
occasions. This is just the tip of the iceberg (a phrase that brings to mind the theme song from Titanic, "My Heart Will Go On and On," by Celine Dion). There are thousands of others
we can choose on a case-by-case basis. When something happens or is about to happen that requires diplomacy, the one
remaining staff member at State can simply email the song!
With or Without You
(U-2): This would be a great song to send to a country that refuses to
cooperate with us. For instance, we could have sent it to Pakistan when they
weren’t helping us search for bin Laden.
I Can’t Go For That
(No Can Do) – Hall & Oates: When those stupid Israelis – we really should have a chat about them one of
these days -- start shelling the West Bank again (and they will!!!!), this will
let them know we are totally FED UP!
Tragedy – Bee Gees:
The “go to” song to send to any of our allies that have experienced something
bad. (Think South Korea when that ferryboat full of schoolkids sunk.) I
actually thought about bringing the Bee Gees to Paris to perform this yesterday
but then someone told me that two of them are DEAD!!
The Arms of an Angel
– Sarah McLachlan: What a loving way to comfort the people of a country
whose leader has died. (“Tracks of My Tears” by Smokey Robinson would be
another good choice!)
We Gotta Get Out of
this Place –The Animals: You’ve been wanting to let Afghanistan know we don’t want to keep troops
there anymore. Send this song!
Stand By Me – Various
Artists: This'll do the trick when we are trying to enlist the help of a country to pass a UN
resolution. I like Little Milton’s version best but
Maurice White’s is pretty darn good too!!!
All Night Long (All
Night) – Lionel Richie: When we are about to bomb ISIS, al Qaeda, Canada, etc., we can let them know it’d be easier if they’d simply surrender by sending
this song as a clue about how long we plan to bombard their sorry asses!
Disco Duck – Rick
Dees: I can’t think of an appropriate occasion for this one but I’m sure I
will – it’s Teresa’s and my fave song!!! Maybe we can send it to Kim Jong-un of
North Korea next time he conducts a nuclear test???? Whatever!!!!
Please give my love to Michelle My Belle (LOL) … and thanks for
reading!!!!
Kindest regards,
JK
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