Another day in Spamalot

This morning, as usual, I checked my email. Here are some highlights:

The Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria writes that, “John T. Kehoe of 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, CA 95864 visited this bank yesterday with a power of attorney given by your good self, granting him the benefit to process and claim your inheritance of $7,000,000.00 (Seven Million United States Dollars) for personal reasons.”

I’m thrilled my Nigerian uncle remembered me in his will – he always promised he would – but write back that I have never trusted that bastard John Kehoe and that any power of attorney he is presenting was obtained by fraudulent means. I send him my bank information -- Swift code, routing number and account number -- and tell him to wire it directly to Wells Fargo.

My local Infiniti dealer writes, “Thomas, don't forget your Infiniti may be due for service!”

I reply, “Actually, it’s past due but I won’t be visiting your dealership again. Last time I took the car in for an oil change I received one of those email surveys asking me to rate the ‘experience.’ I gave you an ‘outstanding’ in every category – even snacks, which was a lie because offering Tostitos at 9 a.m. doesn’t rate as outstanding in my book; I would have preferred a Krispy Kreme or something more time-appropriate. Within an hour of sending the survey I received a vitriolic email from your service manager berating me for not assigning a ‘Truly Exceptional’ rating to every question. So from now on I’ll be taking the car to Valvoline which doesn’t send bogus surveys”.

2@jobhleping.pl writes, "Prosze o mozliwosc przeslania informacji o kredytach dia firm, bez zaswiadczen z ZUS, US, Kredyt wyliczany na podstwaie dochodo, lub przyodua."

How gullible does he think I am? I reply, “請，能夠發送有關貸款業務信”

A message from Ropes & Gray headlined “Court Notification” gets my attention:  “Please take notice that you have to come to the hearing of your case that will be held in the Arkansas court of Appeals on January 23th, 2015. The subject of the hearing – illegal use of software. Your attendance is required. You may download the detailed pretrial notice, you are highly recommended to study it thoroughly in advance.”

I call American and Southwest but there’s no way I can get to Arkansas today – all flights are sold out.  I call my Arkansas counsel, the Rose Law Firm, and learn that my regular attorney, Hillary Rodham, isn’t in. I write back that I plan to petition the court for a continuance. 

Rural King, the big box retailer that sells windmills, tractors and other farm-related stuff, recently and inexplicably opened a store in my suburban tropical neighborhood -- I was the only customer last time I stopped in for free popcorn. They've written to notify me about a "FLASH SALE: Titanium Drill Bits 50% Off Today Only!" 

I reply that I don’t know what a Titanium Drill Bit is but thanks for thinking of me.

Twitter -- I signed up for an account years ago but only used it once or twice because it’s even dumber than Facebook -- keeps trying to get me interested in using its service by sending email about Twitter messages that are “popular in your network” (whatever that means. I don’t have a network). Today’s is from the Rev. Al Sharpton who tweets, “Meeting in NYC with LA Clippers Owner Steve Ballmer (Microsoft confounder) on diversity in sports/tech industries.”

Al, if you tweeted you were meeting with Ballmer to see if he’ll lend you the money to pay the millions you reportedly owe in back taxes … that you are sorry your race-baiting led to the suicide of a white policeman you accused of raping Tawana Brawley who later admitted she made the whole story up … or that you have realized the cable news channel on which you appear every night is America’s version of Pravda … all of those insights might be newsworthy. Until then, you can delete me from your “network.” I would have said all of that and more but couldn’t say it in 140 characters or less which is why I don't use Twitter in the first place.

Larry Edelson of Money & Markets has written an urgent message inviting me to watch his latest video, “When the Dow hits 31,000+ in 2016, How Rich Will You Be?”

I write back that I have no idea how rich I’ll be when the Dow doubles. All I know for sure is that I’m about to be $7,000,000 (United States Dollars) richer thanks to my Nigerian uncle.