Five reasons I should be the next Speaker of the House

After much thought and prayer, I am announcing my candidacy to become the next Speaker of the House to replace John Boehner, who resigned last week.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Tom, you would be an awesome Speaker to lead us out of the legislative stalemate in which our nation finds itself. But you’re not a member of Congress.”

To which I say, read the Constitution. Nowhere does it stipulate that the Speaker of the House has to be an elected representative. I grant you that every speaker to date has been an elected member of that august body, but Congress, as everyone knows, is broken. It’s time to “shake things up” in Washington and I am the guy to do just that. Here’s why:

1. I know about compromise

The ongoing feud between Congressional Democrats and Republicans makes the enmity between Iran and Israel look like Steve and Eydie singing “Side By Side.” Nothing has been accomplished for years because the current Speaker, whose job is to bring opposing parties together, has been spending every waking moment in a spray tanning booth, rendering him incapable of working out compromises between them.

Having been married nearly 40 years, I have mastered the art of compromise. On numerous occasions when my wife and I have had honest differences of opinion, I’ve been able to suggest solutions that have worked out to the satisfaction of both of us.

For example, when we went to pick out a Christmas tree in December, 1987, she fell in love with a ten-foot Frasier fir. I reminded her that our ceilings were only eight feet high, and pointed out a beautiful eight-foot Balsam fir that cost less than half as much as the one she wanted. Ultimately, we bought the ten-foot Frasier and had the store cut two feet off the bottom. While we both gave up something, we each got something we wanted -- a Frasier for her, an eight-footer for me.

The other time I was able to affect compromise was when I wanted to go out for Hawaiian Fusion and she wanted Italian. I suggested we go to a Mexican restaurant since Mexico is between Hawaii and Italy. She said that, because it was my sixtieth birthday, she guessed that would be fine although we wound up at the Italian place because Senor Tequila's, when we arrived, wasn't open. I had forgotten it was closed on Mondays.  

2. I won’t take a salary

Thanks to the Affordable Health Care Act, which Congress passed without reading, I can no longer afford routine health care. My wife and I have to shell out $23,000 a year for premiums and deductibles before even a penny of any medical bill we incur is paid for by our so-called “health insurance” provider. As Speaker of the House, I’ll be eligible for the "Cadillac plan" health care coverage Congress receives and will show my appreciation each and every day by ensuring the passage of legislation that actually moves our country forward. I won’t even take a salary (though I will require use of an air force jet to fly me back and forth to my Florida home on weekends during the winter months because you can't possibly expect me to stay up there).

3. I can see both sides of every issue and the fact is, both parties are wrong not to mention completely insane

I started out as a Democrat. Then I became a Republican. Then I switched back to Democrat, after which I officially rejoined the Republican party until I once again decided to be a Democrat which I wish I wasn’t but I don’t want to be a Republican either so once I am named Speaker I intend to register as an Independent.

Fact is, neither party represents the majority of Americans who are, by and large, socially liberal and financially conservative, as am I. As the first independent Speaker I won’t hesitate to stand up to the power brokers who control the money in both parties and hold their representatives to their looney right- and left-wing agendas.

4. I represent continuity

Americans don't take well to change. That's why, year after year, they elect the same losers to represent them in Congress. But they have no choice this time because Boehner has resigned so a new Speaker has to be chosen.

Like Speaker Boehner, I have a permanent suntan which will provide the public with a sense of visual continuity every time they see me on TV sitting behind the president at the State of the Union address, kissing the Pope's ring, etc., But, unlike his, mine is real.

5. I’m qualified

I was a Speaker at the Association of National Advertisers convention in 1992. Plus I’ve owned five Houses. Speaker. Houses. I’m more than qualified.

I am sure that, by now, you agree I am the perfect choice. Please write your representative and urge him or her to vote for Tom Dryden for Speaker of the House.

Thank you and God Bless America.