Nursery rhymes for today

Rock a Bye Baby

Rock a bye baby,

In the treetop.

When the wind blows,

The cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks,

The cradle will fall.

Then we’ll sue the tree service

For not telling us this could happen.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To fetch a pail of water.

Now they live in foster homes

Because Social Services says children 

need to live in buildings with running water.

Pop goes the weasel

Round and round the mulberry bush

The monkey chased the weasel.

The monkey thought t’was all in fun

Until the weasel demanded a safe space 

and that the zookeeper resign for failing to provide one.

This old man

This old man,

He played one.

He played knick-knack on what I had always told myself was my thumb but, 

with the help of my therapist, have come to realize was a part 

of me nobody should ever, ever touch without asking

which is why I’m coming forward after all these years.

Pat-A-Cake

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, 

Baker’s man, woman or trans.

Bake me a gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free cake 

As fast as you can.

There was an Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,

She had so many children,

She didn't know what to do

Thanks to the Republicans who blocked funding for Planned Parenthood.

Old MacDonald

Old MacDonald

Had a farm

E-I-E-I-O.

And on his farm he had some chicks

But they weren't free range so PETA picketed the nation’s 

leading supermarket and restaurant chains urging them 

not to sell Farmer McDonald’s eggs 

 so now he's a greeter at Wal-mart.

Three blind mice

Three visually impaired mice.

Three visually impaired mice

Were admitted to Harvard, Yale and Princeton respectively 

because slots had been held open by the diversity officers 

in the admissions department at each school 

for applicants like them.

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie.

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

Now he's on the list of registered sex offenders.

Little Tommy Tucker

Little Tommy Tucker

Sings for his supper.

What shall we give him?

White bread and butter.

How can he cut it

Without a knife?

How will he be married

Without a wife

Or husband?