10 New Year's Resolutions I Will Definitely Keep

Every single year I make a wide range of New Year's resolutions. Every single year I break most of them before I arrive home from the New Year's Eve party and spend the next month or so feeling weak and guilty. So this year I'm going to do something different -- make resolutions I know I can keep. Ready? Here goes.

I, Tom Dryden, hereby resolve that I will:

1.)  Spend no more than four hours a day (28 hours a week) training for the Iron Man triathlon (senior division).

2.)  Assure my wife at least 10 times over the coming year that I know where my wallet and keys are but that I'd prefer she drive wherever we are going because I'm tired.

3.) Consult a physician if I experience an erection lasting four or more hours.

4.) Not give life in Candy Crush Saga.

5.) Not set foot in a Walmart unless there's a disaster and I or someone I love need food and/or cheap plastic stuff from China.

6.) Not vote to reelect Congressman Trey “I’m Not Going to Resign Despite Pleading Guilty to Cocaine Possession Because I Love Serving The People of Southwest Florida” Radel. 

7.) Fly into such a rage while on the phone with a Comcast representative that my wife will warn me I’m going to have a heart attack if I don’t calm down.

8.) Not twerk.

9.) Be grateful every morning when I'm awoken by the sound of a frosty-faced dachshund's tail thump-thump-thumping against the headboard of my bed.

10.) Not extend to my readers my very best wishes for a 2014 filled with health, joy and blessings. Why?

Because I’m writing this in 2013.