The Candy Man can't

Quick. What is this?

A) A rectangular pizza

B) An aerial view of the Naples, Florida, sewage treatment plant

C) My attempt at making peanut brittle

The correct answer: C.

I love peanut brittle. So much that I only eat it once a year – on Christmas Eve. My #1 son and I can go through an entire box in half an hour while watching "It's A Wonderful Life."

I grew up (and into size 40 trousers by the age of 14) on homemade peanut brittle. The store-bought variety tastes fake to me. So this afternoon, having nothing to do, I decided to make some myself.

I googled “peanut brittle in the microwave” … found the same basic recipe on five or six cooking web sites … watched three youtube videos of cheerful people making it  … and decided I couldn’t possibly screw it up.

All the recipes said to measure your ingredients out in advance because they needed to be added and mixed quickly.

The first batch I attempted was ruined when I mistook baking soda for salt and added that at step two instead of at the end. I threw that away but not before burning approximately six layers of skin off my thumb to the point that I’m actually considering going to the emergency room and am writing this post to try and TAKE MY MIND OFF THE PAIN.

The second batch came out looking like this.

After it hardened (approximately two seconds after I poured it out onto the baking sheet), I tried a piece, hoping it merely looked bad but tasted wonderful. But it tastes as disgusting as it looks -- so bad I’ve gargled twice to get the taste out of my mouth but can’t. 

My wife is complaining the house reeks of burned peanuts. One dachshund threw up from the smell. The other ran to the back door, asked to go outside and now won’t come back, even when I try to bribe her with a treat.

Merry Christmas.