Calling Comcast

Thank you for calling Comcast, home of Xfinity tv, telephone and internet. Oooga chucka oooga chucka macaroni macarena press uno. For quality or training purposes your call may be monitored by someone who doesn’t speak English but hopes to soon.

To report an outage in your area, press one.

To report an outrage in your area, press two.

To order The Sound of Music starring Carrie Underwood on our pay-per-view service, press three.

If you are having problems with your Internet service, press five nine four six three three nine seven zero nine two three four six two.

If you are having problems and have been drinking too much (or, if you are located in Colorado or Washington, smoking more weed than you should), press four two zero.

If your telephone isn’t working, you have a cell phone – you made this call, didn’t you?  – so this isn’t a real emergency and you should hang up now because there are some seriously pissed off people who have worse problems than you out there trying to reach us.

If you have a billing question, press nine.

If you don’t know me by now, you will never never never know me. Whooooa. 

If you are calling to complain that NBC, which we own, only has two shows in its primetime line-up – The Voice and Celebrity Game Night – give yourself a star by pressing “star” on your telephone’s keypad because you are right and smarter than any of the dim-witted has-beens who appear on Game Night in a pathetic attempt to appear relevant.

If you are calling to complain that MSNBC, which we also own, is too liberal for your tastes, bite us. We give money in equal amounts to both parties. How else do you think a regulated monopoly that treats its customers like we treat you could be allowed to exist?

If your cable television isn’t working and you haven’t already tried disconnecting the input cable and unplugging the box, press three nine.

If your cable television isn’t working and you did try disconnecting the input cable and unplugging the box, do it again because you obviously didn’t do it right. And don’t even think of pressing zero if you are under the impression we’ll connect you to a human because the last one left the building in 1999.

If you would like us to send a “wake-up call” to your cable box or internet modem in the hopes that will shock it into working, click your heels together three times, say “there’s no place like home” over and over, then press six six six.

If you don’t understand why birds suddenly appear every time the person Karen Carpenter is singing about in “Close to You” comes near, come sit by us – we don’t understand it either and have always found it disturbing.

If your dog consumed the contents of an entire bottle of Marie's Blue Cheese Dressing and did diarrhea and your Roomba robot vacuum ran over it and the gears got clogged up call Heather in our Paducah office because the same thing happened to her and she was able to getting it working again.

If you are calling to disconnect your service, please call back between the hours of 11:59 p.m. and 12 midnight on February 29 when that department is open.

If you would like to hear this menu again, press two.