Ham I am

Shopping in southwest Florida, where half the population is comprised of elderly folks who are impervious to anyone but themselves, can be maddening as I was reminded once again yesterday. 

Where: The deli counter of my local Publix Supermarket.

When: 5:30 p.m., the busiest time of day. A dozen or so shoppers are milling about, numbered paper tickets in hand, waiting to be served.

Cast of characters: A thirty-ish male clerk wearing a hairnet working behind the counter, an eighty-something woman and – in two brief guest appearances – your faithful correspondent.

Clerk (standing behind the counter, speaking loudly as he looks around trying to identify the next customer): Number 32. Number 32. Thirty-two anyone? OK then, 33.

Me: That’s me. I’d like a …

Woman (holding her number up and regarding me accusingly as if she has caught me lifting her wallet from her purse): Wait one minute, I was here first! I’m 32.

Clerk (turning from me and toward her): Sorry about that. How can I help you today?

Woman: I want some ham.

Clerk: Will that be Boar’s Head or Publix ham?

Woman: What’s the difference?

Clerk: We sell a lot of both, but Boar’s Head costs more. Many of our customers say it’s worth it.

Woman: I wouldn’t know, I don’t generally order lunch meat. It’s disgusting what they put in it. Boar’s Head, I guess. I’m making sandwiches for my bridge group. 

Clerk: What kind of ham would you like?

Woman: What are my choices?

Clerk (leaning down behind the counter and opening the glass door to read the labels): Let’s see, we have Deluxe … Black Forest … Tavern … Maple Glazed … Pepper … Pesto Parmesan … Low Sodium … and Rosemary and Sundried Tomato.

Woman: Would you repeat that? I can’t hear you when you’re hiding behind the case mumbling like that.

Clerk (standing up and gesturing toward the hams in the glass case): There are signs in front of each type.

Woman (30 seconds later after she has carefully examined the signs): Pesto Parmesan. That sounds ... interesting.

Clerk: Would you like to try a slice?

Woman: Sure.

(He removes the block of ham, takes it to the back counter, unwraps it, places it on the slicer, turns the slicer on, and shaves off a slice of ham, which he places on a piece of cello wrap and hands to her. She looks at it closely, sniffs it, then crinkles her nose.)

Woman: What’s that green stuff?

Clerk: Pesto.

Woman: What’s pesto?

Clerk: It’s Italian  – garlic, basil, olive oil and, if I remember correctly, ground up pine nuts. It’s pretty good over pasta.

Woman: Garlic? I hate garlic! (She thrusts the slice back toward him as if it's a live grenade.)

Clerk: OK then, do you see anything else you might like?

Woman (after again examining the ham varieties closely): Black Forest.

Clerk: Excellent choice, my personal favorite.

Woman: I bet you have to carry that because of all the Germans who winter here, right?

Clerk: I can’t answer that m’am, but it is popular with our German customers.

Woman: Are you German?

Clerk: No, my family’s Italian.

Woman: No wonder you recommended that – what was it you called it? – Presto. The one with all that garlic.

Clerk: Would you like to try a slice of Black Forest?

Woman: No. My next-door neighbors are from Dusseldorf. It might be Stuttgart. I’m not sure, I don’t really talk to them. In fact, I don’t like them so I wouldn’t like German ham, it would remind me of them. They flew home yesterday and I’m not going to miss their comings and goings for one minute, believe you me!

Clerk: You probably want the Deluxe Ham then – a traditional ham, nothing added to it.

Woman: Let me try that.

Clerk: Of course.

(He repeats the process he had followed with the first sample and hands a slice to her on a piece of cello wrap.)

Woman (after tasting it): Yes, that’s exactly what I had in mind. How much is that?

Clerk: It’s $9.69 a pound.

Woman (taking a step backward and pointing to the hams in the case): Well! That costs the same as the other, fancier hams! Why are you charging just as much if it’s easier to make?

Clerk: I don’t set the prices m’am, but it’s our most popular ham.

Woman: That doesn’t seem right.

Clerk:  The Tavern ham is on special this week – $8.69 a pound.

Woman: I don’t drink, so I don’t want Tavern ham.

Clerk: There’s no alcohol in it.

Woman: Then why do they call it ‘Tavern’ ham? 

Clerk: I wouldn’t know. Would you like a sample slice?

Woman: Of course, I'm not going to serve my guests something I haven't tried myself. 

(He goes through the sampling ritual again and hands her a slice, which she eats slowly.)

Woman (reluctantly): I guess that’ll do.

Clerk: Great! How much do you want?

Woman: Four slices. And slice them thin.

Clerk: You want four slices of Tavern ham?

She: Isn’t that what I just said?

Clerk: And you want them ... thin. OK, coming right up. 

(He removes ham from case, takes it to the counter, removes the cello wrap and places it on the slicer. He slices one piece, and presents it to her.) Is that thin enough?

Woman (waving her hand dismissively): No. Thinner.

Clerk: All rightie then, thinner it is. (He adjusts the slicer and shaves off another slice he holds up for her approval.) How’s that?

Woman: If that’s the thinnest you can get it … go ahead.

(He slices three more slices, places them in a plastic bag, weighs it, slaps a price sticker on the bag, places it atop the counter and pushes it toward her.)

Clerk: There you go, have a nice day. (Turning to me.) Sorry for the wait. How can I help you?

Me: I’d like …

She: Just a minute. I want some cheese.