Tuesday, August 4, 2015

10 things NOT to take on your next vacation

 1. Roomba robot vacuum


Unless you’ll be staying in a certain Best Western on I-95 whose location we won’t divulge lest the owner be litigious, it is likely your room will have been vacuumed before you arrive.

2. Pan Am ticket


Pan American World Airways went belly up in 1991. If you arrive at the airport with one of these, the only place you’re going is home.

3.  Glasses like Rick Perry's


Donald Trump says Rick Perry, the former governor of Texas who is running for president, only wears them to “make him look smart” but you won’t look smart wearing them in Paris, France or Paris, Texas, and neither does he.

4. Baby grand


By all means bring your grandbaby if you’re headed to Disney World or some other kid-friendly destination but there’s no reason to schlep your baby grand or any other piano unless you’re a concert pianist who needs to practice every day and insists on using his or her own.

5. The “Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole” hat you bought in Playa del Carmen


Seemed like a good idea when you bought it after downing five jumbo margaritas on your last vacation but wear it in public on this one and people will think you’re a dick.

6. “Mac and Me” DVD


Being waterboarded is more entertaining than this, the worst movie ever made, that was produced in 1988 to capitalize on the success of E.T., the Extra-Terrestial.

7. Dachshund doorbell


If you have a hand-painted dachshund doorbell like this, leave it – there isn’t a chance in hell you’ll need it. If you don’t, you can order it from eBay for the “Buy-It-Now” price of $22.95 and it will be waiting when you return.

8. Publix Original Style bread crumbs


Look, you’re not going to be cooking anyway unless you’re camping and, if that's the case, you’ll probably be grilling burgers or chicken or something like that and won’t even need bread crumbs from this southeastern supermarket chain.

9.  1936 Lufthansa German Airlines poster


Europe-bound? The plane in this colorful poster features a swastika on its tail – a graphic that was all the rage in Deutschland back then – but don’t even think of taking it with you unless you’re prepared to have it confiscated at Customs. We’re told it is illegal to import anything with that symbol into certain European countries.

10. Where He Stands: The Life and Convictions of Spiro T. Agnew


There are better things you can read on the beach – try Harper Lee’s latest – than this 1968 book that was rushed to press by the Republican National Committee after Nixon chose Agnew, an unknown, as his running mate.

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