Now Boarding at Gate 47

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Latrina and I’ll be handling the boarding process for OceanAir flight 96 to Omaha, with continuing service to Tijuana and Miami.

Boarding will begin in just a few minutes. Please note you are allowed one carry-on bag that must fit in the overhead compartment, the total dimensions of which cannot exceed 14 inches, along with one personal item such as a laptop bag, handbag or infant that must fit under the seat in front of you.

Please have your boarding pass handy to expedite the boarding process and ensure an on-time departure.

While we’re waiting, I’d like to take this opportunity to invite anyone needing extra time, passengers traveling with service animals, people traveling with dachshunds, Pekinese, Chihuahuas, guinea pigs, Siamese cats or other ridiculous-looking pets they claim are service animals so they can get out of paying our $100 carry-on pet fee, as well as passengers traveling with screaming children, to pre-board our Boeing 737 aircraft.

First Class passengers and Diamond members of our OceanAir Rewards program, along with premium-level members of the frequent flyer programs of our WholeWideWorld Alliance partners Uganda Air, TransParaguay, S.N.O.T and North Korean, are welcome to board at any time.

Thank you so much for waiting. At this time Platinum Rewards members and holders of the OceanAir Executive Premium Plus Mastercard issued by People’s Republic National Bank may board.

I do appreciate your patience. Plutonium and Gold OceanAir Rewards members, along with military personnel on active duty, are invited to board.

Silver and Bronze Rewards members and those of you who carry the OceanAir Gold Mastercard are also welcome to board at this time. If you do not yet have an OceanAir Mastercard issued by People’s Republic National Bank, please ask a uniformed crew member for an application so you won’t have to wait in lines like this that extend all the way up the concourse back to the TSA checkpoint in the future. Enroll today and you will receive 10,000 bonus miles, as well as miles for this flight.

Thank you again. OceanAir Rewards Aluminum members may now board, along with passengers holding boarding passes that say Zone J.

If you are seated in one of our Super-Duper Long Legroom seats you may board at this time. If your boarding pass says Super-Duper Long Legroom but you didn’t pay the $50 upcharge, you’ll be boarding later – we request that you give those who, unlike you, were willing to shell out a bit extra to avoid deep vein thrombosis the courtesy of boarding according to the amount they paid for their tickets.

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you are anxious to get to your destination today but there’s no reason to knock each other over to get on the plane. There is an orderly process in place and we do appreciate your cooperation.

Those of you who are Somewhat Valuable members of our OceanAir Rewards program are welcome to board at this time. 

If you have a boarding pass that says Zone A, you may now board.

Passengers seated in rows 30 to 45 are eligible to board.

Thank you for waiting. Passengers holding boarding passes that say Standard Legroom are free to board at this point, along with those holding Super-Duper Long Legroom boarding passes who didn’t pay the fee but somehow got lucky at check-in, all of whom should be ashamed of themselves for being so cheap.

If your boarding pass says Zones B, C or Q, you may now board the aircraft.

Passengers with boarding passes designated No Legroom and all Of No Value Whatsoever members of the OceanAir Rewards program are invited to board.

Those seated in rows 12 to 29 and/or zones Z, M or P can board, along with standby passengers Manson C,  Dahmer J, and Simpson OJ.

Last but not least, passengers holding boarding passes designated TL for Total Loser may now board.

It has been my pleasure to assist you today. On behalf of all of us at OceanAir, have a pleasant flight.