An interview with a 14-year-old dachshund

I am blessed to be surrounded by long-lived females. Last week my mother turned 102. Today, our dachshund, Bonnie, turns 14.

This morning, following a steak and eggs breakfast (for her, coffee for me), Bonnie and I sat down for a birthday chat.

TD: What’s your secret to living this long?

Bonnie: Exercise. Specifically, chasing lizards around the lanai. And plenty of sleep – at least 23 hours a day.

TD: What is your proudest achievement?

Bonnie: Overcoming submissive urination. It was humiliating. For my first 10 years I couldn't help letting go whenever someone reached down to pet me. 

TD: How'd you do it?

Bonnie: Kegel exercises. I learned about them watching Dr. Oz.

TD: What’s your biggest regret?

Bonnie: That I tried to bite that sweet lady from Dachshund Rescue who drove all the way from Miami to see if you and mom would be suitable foster parents for homeless dogs. I was annoyed you were even considering it.

TD: Yeah, thanks to you we didn’t get the dachshund we had applied for.

Bonnie: I have always regretted what I did. That dachshund would have been lucky to wind up with you and mom. You’re pushovers.

TD: You fell into the pool yesterday. If I hadn’t been right there to fish you out you would have drowned. What happened?

Bonnie: I had been drinking.

TD: Yes, from your water bowl. It’s not like it was full of vodka.

Bonnie: Perhaps I’m losing my sight in my old age. Or my timing. Or my balance. Or, just maybe and I doubt this has occurred to you, I wanted to take a swim. It’s hot here in Florida, especially when you're wearing a coat 24/7.

TD: What are your goals for the next 14 years?

Bonnie: To see the rest of this marvelous country we call home. I’ve only been to 15 states, so I still have 34 to go.

TD: Bonnie, there are 50 states. You have 35 to go, not 34.

Bonnie: I’m on the TSA’s “no fly” list after that unfortunate incident on JetBlue in which I escaped from the carry-on you had crammed me into, ran up the aisle and jumped into the lap of an old lady just as the plane was taking off, so I’m resigned to the fact I’ll never make it to Hawaii unless, of course, we take a cruise.

TD: Speaking of states, you’ve lived in two – Connecticut and, for the last two years, full-time in Florida. Which is your favorite?

Bonnie: There are always stories on TV about dogs who move and miraculously find their way back to their previous homes. Have you ever seen one about a dog who attempted to go back to Connecticut? No, and you never will. Nobody in their right mind would want to go back to a place where packs of coyotes roam through the suburbs and deer ticks carry Lyme disease not to mention it has the worst winters north of the South Pole.

TD: What’s the one thing you couldn’t live without?

Bonnie: The Burberry leash mom brought me from London.

TD: You’ve seen lots of changes in 14 years. What stands out the most?

Bonnie: How the men in this family have aged. Ben had just graduated from high school the day you brought me home. Now he's a practicing lawyer – has been for seven years – with a kid of his own. Stuart was about to start his sophomore year of high school. He got his graduate degree in ‘09 and has been working ever since. He was – I'm sure you know this but we've never talked about it – the first man I ever slept with.

TD: Yeah, the boys have changed big-time.

Bonnie: Nobody in the family has changed more than you. You were in your forties and running your own business. Now you’re 63, retired, a grandpa, and interviewing a dachshund in a pathetic attempt to find something to occupy your time. 

TD: What about mom? Hasn't she has changed?

Bonnie: Not one bit. Like all the females in this family, she's ageless.

TD: You’ve had two dachshund brothers – Clyde, for your first two years, and Billy Ray for the last 12. What have you learned from them?

Bonnie: That females are smarter and more capable than males. No wonder Hillary has so much self-confidence. Bitches rule!

TD: Thanks for your time, Bonnie.

Bonnie: You’re welcome. Now leave me alone. I need my beauty rest.